30 October 2014


Thursday 30Oct14 10:30pm

The best vacation is when you don't know the date. I have to check the calendar every single morning. It's been a good feeling. I've been on vacation since Wednesday the 22nd and am off until November 4th.
It's been such a great break from focusing on the experiment, from focusing on being a projector. Although I have been listening to Human Design recordings, it's still been a good break.

I think the main reason is that I'm away from all the junk from work. In the middle of telling my boss, on my last day of work, that the woman who does the invoicing actually had access to a certain work system he cut me off to say fairly loudly, "Do you know how busy she is?" He didn't give me a chance to say what I was trying to say which was, if the approval hadn't gone through by end of day, the woman who does the invoicing has access to the system so she will have to check to see if it's approved because I won't be there to check it. That's all. But somehow I'm accusing her of not doing her job or something. sigh. Nothing like being in a place where you're not valued.

So it's been a great break from that. And all through my vacation I haven't worried about invitations at all. I've been attending the International Festival of Author's as I've done for close to 20 years now. I don't worry about interactions with others for the most part. Of course I know a lot of people there. So I receive a lot of welcoming smiles. But I really do stick to myself. One of my guys at work called it my reading week. I like that.

I've been a bit of a hermit in public. I don't initiate conversations. I walk around in my own little bubble. It is good.

I've been relaxing into the fact that I need/ want a new career/job, a new place to live, that the man who has seemed closest to a love interest is really not the right man although highly charismatic and attractive. It's weird to feel so good around a person and yet...so many things are just not right.

Since I've embraced the fact that 2014 is an alone year I've been having a ball. I went to Stratford, Ontario three weekends in a row. I saw A Midnight's Summer Dream; Hay Fever and Crazy for You. I tell you the Stratford Direct Bus has been a godsend. It's nice to be able to climb on the bus and get dropped off in front of the three theatres. Easy Schmeasy. Although the person sitting beside me has been a crap shoot. I had to give a guy shit for reading over my shoulder. "Buddy, I have to hide my personal writing because you don't have any manners? Shouldn't you be talking to your girlfriend over there?" His girlfriend gave him the look, he stopped reading over my shoulder. I think he was hoping that I would change seats so they could sit together. I get places early so I can sit where I want. I don't give up my seat to people who show up at the last minute and think they are entitled. Okay, okay, steps down from soapbox. :)

I went to see a friend and co-worker from my part time job do her stand up. It was part of a stand up competition. My co-worker is 22 years old. It was a great funny night. I felt special too. When I met her mother she said, "I can finally put a face to the name. My daughter talks a lot about you." It was a nice feeling. Sometimes I feel so bogged down in being around people who don't want me there, it's nice to know that some people do value my presence. It was also nice to see her gratitude in having me show up for her. She had so many friends there but she made it a point to tell me that night and again when I saw her at work how grateful she was that I'd take the time to see her perform.

One of the things I did notice from the Author's festival is that I do feel a bit of a surge of energy from being around so many people each day although it varies, I have felt tired as well. I'm thinking that I may become one of those people who goes to a coffee shop to write. Make use of the energy surge of others to my advantage yet not have to talk to anyone.

One of the benefits of following Human Design is that I feel as though it has given me permission to write. The key direction is that a projector focus on their passion, what they love, while they wait for the pertinent invitations. It really feels like the invitation I've always needed. I've spent so much time looking for the right job and being practical about my life and following the conditioning of parents and society that we need to live our lives following certain things. Well that hasn't worked for me anyways. Following my passions feels so much clearer.

It's good to get clarity on not worrying all the time. That feeling that I have to continue on in a certain direction just because. Who knows what my future has in store for me but I'll face each change as it happens instead of being focused on what ifs. I don't know who said it but I'm feeling it, "Do what they ask you to do until you can do what you want to do."

Of course when I go back to work I will have my evaluation. That should prove interesting. Last year he made up a bunch of bogus criticisms that he had to erase from my eval because I shot holes in each one of his criticisms. No doubt there will be more this go round. It seems to be the thing. I keep hoping that he'll find a way to give me three years pay as severance and I can skip my little black ass out of there for good. ha-ha! You never know.

And so it goes. A long weekend left of vacation and back to grind, hopefully maintaining the better state of emotions.

I'm hoping to blog about the man soon from the Human Design lense. I have a lot of notes. He has been a great gift.


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