07 September 2014

A Need to Retreat

I just finished watching an interview of Paulo Coelho by Oprah Winfrey on her Super Soul Sunday.
It amazes me that I haven't read the Alchemist yet. But I will, of course, I have the book.

He has some gems, some words that help me to formulate in my mind, in my heart, what I want out of my life.
It's been a challenging year this 2014 Personal 2 year. It's been challenging because I've been so stubbornly fighting against all that was happening. I didn't want it this way. I didn't want this to be such a solitary year. I am 50 years old now. I wanted this to be a very social year of celebrations and laughter and change. I was caught off guard that my time in Australia was the big social, celebratory, laughter filled opportunity and that was all I was going to get for the entire year. I'm hurt. I want more, I'm not getting it.

I've finally stopped struggling, like you do eventually. It was that silent whisper that's been following me around like the perfect gust of wind at the perfect time. The whisper has been following me and I've been trying to shake it off. I just couldn't, I didn't want to hear it. I'm not prepared in any way for what I know deep down it has to say. And then I saw the message pictured above: I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I'm tired.

I'm tired. And I'm willing to say the whisper out loud. "I don't belong here anymore."
The year would have gone by so much easier if I'd simply paid attention to all the signs the Universe has been giving me since April of this year. Perhaps I could have used the past months to prepare myself. But life happens as it happens.

I had a good cry with a girlfriend on August 8th when I listed off how shitty things have been. That I've learned to avoid the passive aggressive punishments of the boss by practicing what I'd learned as a child. Being seen and not heard. And when I'm really good, not being seen nor heard.

There is so much fear and anger out there. I can't be the sponge for it anymore. I can't guide anyone in my immediate environment to understand that there's another perspective because they don't want to hear it, see it, believe in it.
We all want to place blame because it's easier than facing what we're hiding from ourselves.

I don't belong here anymore and I don't know where I'm supposed to go next. I haven't heard it yet. So I wait.

I've been studying Human Design for the full month since that traumatic Aug 8th full moon. I've got a box full of books I've bought, articles I've printed off various sites. I've subscribed to newsletters and joined Facebook groups. As I narrow my studies down to the proper focus, the order of what's most important to study now and what I can learn later, I feel more and more clarity. My latest messages, silent whispers, have been about retreating and sabbaticals. I'm not clear if I should use my savings and take the rest of the year off or wait until the New Year and see what the new energy is saying. So I wait. I wait. I wait and listen.

This has felt like such a dark time because I was looking at it in the wrong way. It's actually a huge, beautiful beginning in the making. It's just starting to wake up within me. My life is telling me that I have to make the room to allow the good, new changes to come. I have to accept that all I thought was going to happen didn't happen for a good reason. So many people weren't around because they no longer need me or they aren't joining me on the next stages.

Chief Webber to Dr Bailey on Grey's Anatomy (paraphrased) "It's not that they are forgetting you , they are setting you free to go and use this time to do all the magnificent things you have the potential to do"

Tomorrow is the Pisces full moon. Committing to what we intend to change in our lives is a good focus during a full moon. And Pisces is so well-versed in retreating. Me, I'm committing to feeding the Hermit during my retreat.

"I fought the good fight and I didn't lose faith." Paulo Coelho