30 April 2014

Personal 2 Years past; The New Moon and Human Design

Wednesday 8:05pm 30April14

I was going to have a nap on the weekend and had the television turned on to Much More Music, Thank God they play music videos again. I'm lying in bed just about to drop off to snoozeland and I hear this beautiful voice. He made me sit up, put my glasses back on so I could read the TV to find out who he was. So I've been killing Sam Smith's song, Stay with me. I don't hear new music in any big way anymore because I don't have a radio. I don't do the same kind of music research that I did as a kid. If I hear a song I like in a movie, I'll wait for the credits to find out what it's called and who sings it. But that's about it.

I love the melancholy feel to it. I love to sit and listen to a song on repeat for hours sometimes days. Sometimes I'll get to the 4th play of the same song and it will make me cry. I'm re-framing calling myself someone who suffers from depression to me being a melancholy person. One of the gates in my Human Design chart points out that I have high highs and low lows. In one of the reports it says that I shouldn't call my melancholy feelings depression. That I should use those feelings to work on my art. Hmm! What a thought.

Depression means crawling into bed and hiding from the world and possibly medication if my doctor has any say in the matter. Which he never did. But looking at my cycles as melancholy and using that to go deep and be creative. I really like that idea and change of focus.

I got my Numerology personal profile from Christine Delorey that I've begun wading through and it's reminded me of all that work I did going back over my previous personal years and recording certain events.

So yesterday I looked over my previous personal 2 years. I don't have much written for 1987 but 1996 had some interesting tidbits. In 1996 I met my My friend Bee from Australia when he was performing here in Toronto. During that time he said when he went back to Australia to settle that he wanted me to come and visit. And this year in my personal 2 year I went to visit him in his home in Australia. In 1996 I was seeing 'Bryan' who I mentioned in my previous post. It becomes even more ironic that I told that anecdote to my friend and linked it to this current guy now finding out that they are both in my personal 2 year. The lessons that repeat and repeat until we learn them!

In 1996 a relative who never recognized me came to visit me after the death of his wife and fully recognized me. I left working with children (which had been a lifetime dream) because I didn't feel my work was appreciated (from the co-workers and supervisors stand point) and moved into working in the performing arts where I met Bee from Australia. I had some financial problems from that transition and used the Creating Money book (by Sanaya Roman) and ended earning more money than I'd ever prior to that. By the time my mom passed away in 1996 at least my finances were in order because I was rolling into 1997 an emotional mess

In 2005 I left working for the life coach and went back to the Performing arts centre full time. But this time around I didn't speak for the entire month. I wasn't happy being there full-time and I just went to work and did my work but I didn't really participate socially. I met Caroline O'Connor, while I worked there, and she gave me a pep talk to end all pep talks, she inspired me and showed me artistic love. I had been feeling so disheartened by the lack of appreciation for my work and unsure of a direction. The next month, I got back to my current day job, this time permanent full-time after having worked it on contract twice for two maternity leaves.

So it seems part of the focus for me in a 2 year is finances, I made a budget for this new moon.
Bryan type men with the games and manipulations
Leaving places and people where I don't feel appreciated
The book Creating Money
And lifetime dreams.

April Kent talks about the Taurus New Moon Cycle. It was Tuesday April 29th. You still have time to make your new moon goals.

She says, "Pay attention to your feelings and interactions about money, property, your body; they are reminding you of the need to enjoy, reuse, and take care of the things you own....You need to slow down just now and take stock of where you're at"

In April Kent's report she tells you what to initiate : The waxing phases of the Taurus New Moon (up to the full moon) cycle are a good time to launch projects or set intentions related to:
1 - Financial Security
2 - Taking care of what you own and
3 - Enjoying your life more.

Happy New Moon!


What's Good About This?

Wednesday 6:42pm 30April14

I'm happy to see the end of this April let me tell you. It has been EXHAUSTING! I have climbed into bed more times before 8pm then ever. But in the light of the New Moon I'm starting to feel human again and look at the positives in all the shenanigans.

It amazes me how one man can enter my life and truly make me swoon like a teenager and then ruin everything.
That's the problem with games. A man might think that he's got some sense of control or he can prove something to himself with that attitude of I'll show her I like her and then I'll never show up when I say I'm going to. She'll be putty in my hands. Yes the fake bad boy persona works well indeed, on 20 year olds. I think he forgot I am 50.

20 year olds don't always know that that feeling he's giving you isn't excitement, it's anxiety.
20 year olds don't always realize that there has to be action behind those words no matter how nice the words may sound. They do nothing if there is no consistent action to prove the words true.

The problem with games, when you play games with me, is that when I reach that moment where I say out loud to myself, "Oh he's really not interested in me," it's game over. I move into face saving mode, I do one action or I say a comment that makes it clear, "I don't think of you as boyfriend material, you've been set free." And then I expect him to go away. He didn't go away.

Man oh man, my male confidants were telling me to expect him to ask me out because now he's wondering why you're not interested in him and all I kept saying was, "but how do I get rid of him?" You move into this weird limbo of maybe this guy can be a good guy once he realizes that I don't play the games. Or maybe this guy will just give up the posturing and just talk to me like we are two normal humans. Or maybe I don't know, anything but this. Because this person felt so big in my life I felt a little stuck with wondering when things might change for the better. The optimist in me. But as I picked that hypothesis apart in my journal, I finally wrote down "he really felt like he could totally be a good guy if he just got the proper focus and stopped with the games and bullshit. Oh wait, right, if he were ANOTHER person!" ha-ha!

The big thing for me is how to pull myself out of these things without walking away bitter or angry or ready to punch someone in the stomach.

It's interesting though because I was telling an anecdote about an old boyfriend, Bryan. He wanted things from me that I wasn't willing to give him and because he didn't like that my answer was no, he tried every way to beat up my self esteem instead of simply leaving. I kept saying to him, "clearly I'm not the woman for you, why do you keep coming back? Why do you keep calling? Why won't you let me be?"

This similar thing was happening. This new guy would blurt out some inappropriate story that he just had to tell me. That had nothing to do with our pleasant conversation. It was like he was trying to tell me repeatedly that he's not interested in me, when he only had to tell me once. It was like he couldn't stay away from me just like Bryan, like he was courting me or trying to get my attention with insults. It was unsettling.

So I had to finally punch him in the stomach. Not with my fist, of course, but with a comment that essentially said, "if you can't be a likeable guy I can't even talk to you, anymore." Only what I said was harsher and really pinpointed how childish his behaviour is for a man who expects to be looked at treated like he's a man.

I realize that I can often compartmentalize what people do as not affecting me but I'm not willing to do that anymore. I'm not interested in interacting with men I know treat women poorly. Or as my friend James would say, like port-o-potties. I'm over justifying people who say I'm going to do this for you, probably mean it at the time, but never follow through. And it all comes back to the Human Design chart and the readings about half-assed, last minute invitations and half-assed people. It's a waste of my time and energy. I like that in one of my readings it says, "don't waste your time on the glitter, the gold is just around the corner."

When normally at this point I would have given up I've actually said to myself over the last couple days, "I'm waiting for the Gold."

So there we go, I'm waiting for the gold trusting it's on its way.

Now that's a new moon intention if there ever was one!

24 April 2014

Personal 2 Year and the Cardinal Cross

Thursday 24April14 5:13pm

This is looking to be a very eventful Personal 2 year.
My subjects to focus on seem to be men and siblings. ha-ha! Nothing small for me, ever.
Actually I feel like everything is coming up.

The men thing has been fascinating and as I go through what I go through I find I've moved in to this really calm space and I'm starting to study them. Peculiar creatures men are. The divorced men who feel like they missed out on something and have all this catching up to do and they go into deceptive game playing. The con men who want to see what they can get. The men who have decided they want their forever woman and well, you'll do. It's fascinating out there folks. The Cardinal Cross and the lunar and solar eclipses have been sending me male chaos left, right and centre and up and down. One good change is at least none of the men have been Capricorn! ha-ha If you ever read my blog in past years (which is only 1 person) you know about my Capricorn condition and how I hoped, wished, prayed never to meet another Capricorn interest ever again.

The sibling thing for me has been about the weird jealousies and competition or full support. There's been no in between. I guess a lot of people want to feel like they are not the loser in the room, but we're all losers at some point. Watch the Olympics, not every one walks away with a medal. It can be hard when you realize that some people want you to always be the loser and they get downright pissed off when you're not.

I don't know. Nelson Mandela's death had a big impact on me or maybe it's the realization of his life and his life's work. I keep trying to dive into the concept of being imprisoned for so many years and coming out of it peaceful. What kind of inner work would you have to do? What kind of thoughts would you have to have in order to let go of all of your anger and feelings of victimization and be of peace? I watched a show on CNN or 60 minutes fairly recently about a man who was fasley imprisoned for 25 years for his wife's murder. And in his own Mandela way, the man was very gentle when he spoke and he smiled a lot and he was at peace. Everything he talked about affirmed what I'd journaled about Nelson Mandela. The man said that you remember every conversation you've ever had. Every cross word. Every terrible thing you've ever done and anyone has ever done to you. And you find a way to heal it all because all you have is time. And you realize God in everything. That God is love and love is peace. And this coming from a man who didn't get to see his son grow up but did get to meet his grand daughter.

I've had an idea in my head that isn't fully formulated yet. But I think we all live a 20 to 25 year bit of a prison sentence even if we aren't in a physical prison. I think we all rush to an extent for these things, experiences, something that we think we want because that's how it's done or because I'm not going to do it the way they did it. I think we live imprisoned by expectations and feelings that we've missed out on something and how we get through that period either drives us a little crazy or brings us to peace. I'm working on finding my peace from my 25 years of imprisonment.

I've already lived a lifetime dream in my Personal 2 Year of going to Australia after wanting to go since I was 5 years old. The possibilities for my life are still swirling around in my head since I've returned. I've already said that leaving Toronto is more than a strong possibility and there are so many other questions I am asking myself of the possibilities that I want to realize.

Having the Human Design chart done has made me feel like it has actually set the tone for Act 2 of my life. I'm starting to look back at my relationships with a new light. The times I was invited to share my wisdom. This morning as I walked to work listening to my I-Pod I had the memory that is probably the best depiction of a Projector, for me anyway. It was the day my mother realized that I knew how to find good music in Montreal. I would flip through records at the record store and pull out the ones I thought she should buy. When she did buy what I suggested and played the music she'd look at me like I was a savant. How the heck does this kid know how to find music in Montreal?
If you know anything about Montreal in the 1970's, it wasn't an easy feat to find good black music because there wasn't that much played on the radio stations. They played the famous black singers like Stevie Wonder and Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye but if they weren't big they weren't played.

As a good Projector, waiting to be noticed and invited, I used my time wisely. I read every album cover of every record my mother owned. So I knew who wrote songs, who produced albums, who the musicians were and if I saw enough of the same names on any other album in the record store I would tell my mother to buy it. I had such a good memory for that kind of stuff that even when I moved to Toronto as an adult my mother would call me to ask me "what album is such and such song on." Oh that's on the album where the singer is wearing the purple leather suit. ha-ha!

So yes the stuff about the Human Design probably doesn't make a lot of sense in this blog but all I have to really say is that if you have young children it is wise to get their chart done because it could really make a huge difference in knowing how to treat them, react to them etc. I'm hoping to write more about Human Design as I find out more. I just received Karen Curry's book Understanding Human Design and it looks like it was a good choice from flipping through it.

Oh and I got a reading from Debra Jones. It was a printed document of about 27 pages that takes her about 4 weeks to do. She charges $80 for this document. I'm still wading through it and having a whole set of AHA moments.


21 April 2014

Shenanigans and New Music (new to me)

Monday 21April14 8:19pm

Well the best laid plans. I planned on sitting down earlier than this to blog and write but alas the Universe had another idea. I got a little bit of groceries for my lunches for the rest of the week. I love it when the weather is warm enough that I can bring a bunch of little munchies to eat throughout the day. I've got mini carrots, a variety of fruit, potato salad, a boiled egg (boiling eggs in a rice cooker is the best by the way.) I've got pistachios, Havarti, green pepper, snow peas and yogurt. Little bits and pieces of stuff to chomp on. I'll have my banana and almond milk smoothie in the morning before I leave the house to go to work and I'm all set to graze all day. I got my lunch prepared and in my lunch bag in record time.

Then I decide I'll call my tax guy to meet up to get my taxes. I book it over there give him his money and walk away with my taxes. woo hoo! I take a quick look at it, "Holy Cow! I've got to pay a junkload of taxes this year!" I sign it, stuff it in the envelope, lick the envelope and then decide to study my copy. Why do I owe so much taxes? Of course the bulk of my RRSP contribution is missing from the return. So I spend an hour looking for the receipt that I'm positive I'd put in the envelope. I do the same thing every year. I take an envelope, write down the year and dump all of my receipts in it. So I'm positive my tax guy lost it but what am I going to do, blame him?

Then I spend another 30 minutes trying to remember my login and password to get onto the site so I can get a duplicate receipt. It's a good thing I went to church on Sunday. LOL! Anyway I got in, got the duplicate, called my tax guy, booked it back over and now he re-prepares my taxes! And now it's after 8pm.

It's a good thing I've got some good new music. I've been listening to a lot of music since I got back from Australia. One reason is the Two Bees bought me a bluetooth speaker for my Ipod. So that lovely little speaker comes everywhere with me. I even brought it to my part time job on Thursday and played music while my co-worker and I chatted. The other reason is one of the Bees gave me three flashdrives filled with music!

Of course, like a teenager, when I like a song I'll put it on repeat for awhile and dance or learn the words.
I've got so many things I love about music. I love sitting with the one Bee and turning each other on to music. We take turns playing what we're listening to and see if the other one has heard or likes it. Bee and I did that on one of my days in Australia. My childhood best friend in Montreal and I also do that. It makes me smile even as I'm typing this :-D

The one song I've been playing strong (or as I normally say, I've been killing that song) is Ben L'Oncle Soul's, Ain't Off To the Back. I always love a good danceable song. Apparently Ben L'Oncle looks a bit like Uncle Ben, famous for his rice, ha-ha, and that's how he got his name. I don't know why it's taken me this long to look up the words to this song but what a way to make me love the song even more. A danceable song about Rosa Parks what's not to love?

The other song of his that I've been killing is, I Don't wWanna Waste. a nice sweet little groovy love song that I found when I went looking for more of his music.
I hope you like the new to me music.

Get your taxes done and check them twice! And apparently the eclipse isn't over with us, there's more of it on the 29th of April. Woo hoo! If anyone is planning to profess their undying love to me now you'd better have proof! ha-ha. shenanigans.

20 April 2014

I Went to Church Today

Sunday 20April14 1:48pm

I went to church today for the first time in 40 Years.
I'd been thinking about it for a long while. I'd been to this church before for a function and I liked the feel of it. A couple had chatted with me back then and told me that the service was filled more with affirmations and wasn't too churchy. That's why they'd started going. So this morning I was up, I got ready, and I left the house and went to church. It was a good experience and one I think I'll continue for the next little while, at least.

So much has been going on in my life that I'm looking at any way and all ways of grounding my energy and keeping a spiritual focus. I was reminded that it was 3 years ago this past Good Friday that I had my elephant experience at my part time job. I actually talked about it with my co-worker this past Thursday because it was the Thursday before Good Friday when the whole big spiritual experience started then continued into the Friday. I had actually said to my co-worker, "I wonder what my Good Friday gift will be this year."

I realized as I chatted with my co-worker about the shenanigans that had transpired through the week of the full moon eclipse that I was describing me coming into my full power as a woman. Finding it, acknowledging it and accepting it. We talked about the boundaries that I've been setting over the years for myself and what I will accept. We talked about the people who have bashed into those boundaries and how I reacted. I didn't react in anger or with force. Instead I looked at the situation, called it what it was, asked myself what I needed to do to clean things up and flipped the script. It's amusing how off balance every one gets when you flip the script on them.

There's nothing better than that moment in a woman's life when she realizes, "I don't have to wait for you to make a decision. I'm making this decision and I'm moving forward with that."
The full moon eclipse energy was filled with turmoil and chaos and confusion and I weaved my way through it feeling like I was dragging sacks of something heavy behind me but I had no choice but to get through it.

I felt so light hearted on my Good Friday, listening to music, singing like I was giving a concert and thinking about my 3 Bees in Australia and smiling. And I was purging. Yes I'm back to my purging with a renewed energy. I've decided I want to leave Toronto for good. I don't know how long that will take or how I'm going to approach it but like planning for Australia, I just need to focus on one project at a time. Ultimately I'd like to land in Australia.

Of course Toronto will start to be kinder to me now, right(?), now that I've decided it's time to go. I was never supposed to stay here as long as I have. I think what stopped me was that I always thought I'd have a companion to make the move with.

The hardest part about being back from Australia is I'm not able to gloss over what's missing in my life anymore. My friends are so spread out and busy with their lives and families. The 'man' I was supposed to find isn't here. And the question that keeps coming up is, 'if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, do I want to be alone here?' Um, nope. I can be alone somewhere warm.

My skin was so beautiful in Australia. I've never seen myself look that dark in my whole life and I loved it. It's so funny and ironic how we grow up with all these issues about our colour and how lighter skinned relatives receive better treatment than the darker ones and I discover how much more I love looking at myself in the mirror when I'm dark. Dark Dark!

So I went to church today. Because I want major changes in my life and I want to ground myself in all this energy and stay fully present in the realization of my own power as a woman. I wrote in my journal before I left for church this morning, "I know what it's like to live my life not having what I want." Going to church was the beginning of the prayers to help me to live a life having what I want.


14 April 2014

The Human Design

Monday 14April4

It's so funny how life works out sometimes.
On April 1st I was sitting realizing that this was the first year that I hadn't gotten a psychic reading. Every year for I don't know how many years, my girlfriends and I have gone for psychic reading. Usually around my birthday. Of course I was in Australia this year for my birthday.

I was having the little conversation in my head, asking myself if it was too much to ask to have a reading, given all the money I already put out for my Australian birthday. LOL! I decided against the psychic reading and paid instead for a numerology profile from Christine Delorey. I love her work so much and I had actually wanted to buy it in my One Personal Year last year but I was saving up for Australia. It will be a few more weeks before I receive that because Christine does all her work personally, she doesn't use software.

Then I'm reading the newsletter from Astrologer Dawn (Dawn Falbe) and in it she always has some great words of wisdom and ideas on how to deal with the current energies. I read everything in her newsletter except the stuff about The Human Design. Specifically because it was linked to getting a chart and reading done by ReGina Concotelli and I wasn't interested. I always like to highlight any questions that she has in her newsletter and possibilities for my focus. Absolutely every one who wrote about April's energies was saying stuff about big energy, big movement, make your intentions etc. Something kept pulling me back to her section on the Human Design. "I'm not interested, I'm not interested"

I finally googled it to see what I could find on it for free. I was able to get my chart done for free through New Sunware. Through them I found out that my type is a Projector; My Profile is 6/2 Role model/ hermit; my strategy is to wait for the invitation. I googled as much information as I could find on those to find out what the heck it all meant. And well, you know how it goes, I ordered a reading from Regina.

Holy Cow! The things about me that she zeroed in on! She gave me 4 questions to ask, pay attention to. The biggest point for me was/is about me not being recognized for all that I do. It's been a huge issue at work and it was making me madder and madder until I was ready to throw up my hands and just say fuck it! In major life events - accepting jobs/ career , relationships/ partnerships/ friendships, place to live - they only work out when I am invited into them. And I use my intuition and how I feel emotionally to know whether or not it's the right invitation for me. True success is in selecting the right people to have in my life, people who recognize and appreciate me. That bit of information really blew things wide open for me.

Especially when it comes to work. I've felt for years that no matter what I do there is always an excuse as to why that wasn't a big deal. Talk about banging your head against the wall.
It's funny too that one of the things I was telling a friend last year after I'd gone to Bermuda about my girlfriend who lives there was that she is one of the few people who has always "seen" me. She's always appreciated the things that I have to offer as a friend.

In the Human Design Foundation Session that I had with ReGina, I received the chart; a print out of my prime gifts; a 30 minute recorded message of Regina interpreting my chart and a follow up Skype session where Regina answered all the questions I had about my chart and my type and the recording etc. Our Skype session ran just under 45 minutes.

So needless to say I've stopped pushing so hard to be heard at work. Stopped trying to prove that what I have to say is the right course of action, because it falls on deaf ears anyway. My boss never gave me the invitation. And the push, my push was draining me to the extremes. What a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

And men! It's not up to me to pursue. It's for me to wait for the invitation, the right invitation that feels emotionally like I am being recognized and appreciated for who I am. It's fascinating work and it's only scratching the surface.

It's funny because some of the stuff I was slowly starting to learn for myself by huge trial and error, mind you, but this session really gave me food for thought and strategies to test.

Since my session with ReGina, In work meetings I've been quiet and just sit back and listen and observe. I do see the people who do invite my opinions and my knowledge for work I've done for close to 14 years and who listen when I speak. Listen in a way that I know they value what I have to say. And with men, there have been 3 new men in my life lately and I've started to use this and have seen things so clearly and backed out safely before I got entangled in the same old dramas or worse.

Look into getting your free chart done. And if you do go with Regina for an interpretation, the $150 is worth it in the knowledge you receive about yourself, tell her that you learned about her from me Shelley Domingue.

Regina's Align Your Design web site

Another thing Regina mentioned was that I am in my Chiron Return. I know I have a couple readers who have or will be turning 50 this year. This period is a time for us to find our authentic selves and design our lives to live authentically in every facet. To heal our old wounds.
Chiron was last in Pisces March 27, 1960 - August 19, 1960
January 21st 1961 - March 31st, 1968
October 19th, 1968 - January 30th, 1969