28 May 2011

I Want To Feel Good

Saturday 28May11

I first heard the phrase, "I want to feel good," from Wayne Dyer and The Power of Intention. That book and Inspiration are my favorite books of his. Anyway, I watched him on PBS before I bought the book and ultimately the DVD and the workshop. I think they called it the Whole Enchilada on PBS. ha ha.

Wayne was talking about how his voice message on his home phone says something to the effect of, "Hi I'm Wayne Dyer and I want to feel good. If this message is for the purpose of anything other than making me feel good, call Dr. Phil!" Cute joke. But I really liked the idea of, I want to feel good and I decided that was the phrase I wanted to have guide my life.

I didn't really think it through. I'd say the phrase, I want to feel good, but I wasn't following it with anything so sometimes I'd feel good but then someone would do something to aggravate me and I'd get all caught up in rehashing in my thoughts what aggravated me and I wasn't feel good anymore.

The Easter long weekend I had a complete sobfest and after I came of out it I wrote about it in my morning pages and ended up back at the phrase, I want to feel good and I got it. I need to have the intention and then I need to make my actions correspond to the intention.

I've noticed a considerable difference especially at work. I work with all men, STILL! And boy oh boy they can be some moody bastards. They can push anybody to stop feeling good sometimes by simply walking through the door. Since I want to feel good, when Happy Gilmore is sucking his teeth at something or saying something nasty, I tell myself, I want to feel good and I focus on what makes me feel good. Luckily, I can play my music in the office so I usually just sing the song that is playing. Or I leave the office and make more tea. Or I crack a joke with my co-worker/ work husband and I don't involve myself in Happy's tirade.

I do it with my boss, with the contractors who can be smart asses. I do it with everything at work that could possibly take me down the aggravated path. And it has been amazing. I've been so much happier at work.

It's funny, as with all new decisions there is always something that will come up where the universe asks you, "Are you really sure this is your commitment?"

Well I got that test. I've been hit with all this stuff coming back at me like a clearing of old energy. An ex-boyfriend and I would haphazardly keep in contact with each other and inevitably one of us would get on the other ones nerves and there would be a span of years where there would be no contact.

The last time this happened, I had decided to myself, "you know, this guy has never really been my friend. Why do I keep accepting him back when he repeatedly shows he's unreliable?" Just because you know someone for a long time doesn't mean they need to be in your life. We can have weird obligations that don't really make sense. So needless to say, I had decided back then, about 5 years ago to write him off.

Well never to be totally written off, he emailed me about two weeks ago to ask me why I seemed to have been offended by something he said and since we had known each other for all this time, he felt I should tell him what he had done to offend me. There had been other emails and attempts at contacting me prior to this but there was always that insulting edge I just never bothered. This time, I felt like I had to answer.

As I replied to his email I kept saying to myself, if I'm going to commit to being a certain type of person I will have to send an email that states everything but in the kindest way possible. I explained the the things that had finally brought me to the decision to cut the friendship off and explained that my life is now guided by, "I want to feel good." I didn't come right out and say, you don't make me feel good but the implication was there.

I wrote, "I just want to feel good and that is what guides my decisions about everything... I just want to feel good and if I don't feel good anymore, I go away."

Obviously there was much more to the email. I thanked him for taking the time to send me his email and how very sweet it was but I don't know if knowing someone for many years is really enough to continue. We focus on what we need to focus on and we are in the people's lives we need to be in... I no longer need to attract this into my life anymore.

He hasn't written me back so I think it's finally done. And it was done in such a way that I was kind but very clear that there is no room for him in my life anymore.

I want to feel good. It took me a minute to get it. But boy have I been feeling great!