22 January 2007

Using Frustration

Monday 6:45pm 22Jan07

I've gone into week two of being plagued by constant frustrations. This is usually the point when I leave, disappear out of people's lives never to be heard from again. But I'm tired of running. I'm tired of fighting all the battles or even choosing my battles. The whole drama is too exhausting.

It's taken me a full two weeks to get my energy level back from being sick from a cold/stomach flu combo. The good thing about that is I had to approach the frustrations from a different angle. Instead of fighting it off with words, speaking up about the injustice of it all, I've had to stew in my thoughts.

I've got goals I want to work on, things I want to do with my life. I can't keep my focus on my goals if I'm caught in the mire of frustrations.

I came home one night last week and freeflowed for an hour, my nightly ritual to cleanse my mind of the residual junk or frustration or stress that I may carry home with me that keeps me from writing. In the midst of the mind cleanse, I wrote that the frustrations were there to push me foreward with my goals. They are messages telling me to work diligently on my goals rather than running away which has been my modus operandi my whole adult life.
I lived the motto, "If you don't like it, walk away."
Not these days. These days, although I haven't found a clear motto, my mottos has something to do with not getting too complacent. Don't be too comfortable but know that I'm in the perfect place, the perfect situation to serve my purpose.

Yeah, my frustrations are God's way of telling me to keep focused on my goals.

What do your frustrations mean to you?


05 January 2007

Glory Glory!

Friday 9:46pm 5Jan07

There's an affirmation that I know I have written somewhere but can't find it right now. But basically it alludes to us being in the right place right now. Whatever situations we are in are perfect for what we need to do, for the dreams we plan to realize, for the lessons we need to learn.

I'm really feeling that this evening. It's Friday and normally I'd be in bed by now after a week of work I'm normally wiped. The whole thing of being around so many people and being on all the time usually wears me out by Friday. Like an old girl I'm conked out before 10pm.

I've been focusing on three things as of late. I've been working towards writing 21 hours a week. I've been getting up everyday as close to 4am as much as possible (it's been more around 4:30am which isn't too shabby in the grand scheme of goals) and I've been working on pushing my daily walking from 10,000 steps a day to 15,000 steps. I'm hitting about 14,000 steps most days and more on others.

The results this week have been taking form. Moving me in the forward direction. I've been writing at least 1.5 hours a day with a couple days hitting 2.5 hours (I'm still trying to get to 3 hours a day). I've been getting up at 4:30am basically because I don't always hear my alarm at 4am but always hear my stereo at 4:30am. And with the walking, I've been either leaving a half hour earlier before work or walking longer after work before I come home.

My 4:30am rise does such a great thing for my state of mind. I'm focusing on my goals first and foremost. Making my dreams a priority before I set out for a day of work (realizing other peoples goals) keeps me in good stead to make it through the inevitable frustrations of the day. Pushing myself to write every single day helps me to prove to myself that I'm serious about realizing my goals.

It's funny, I've only told a couple people about my writing goal and one person made a comment, "Wow, That's an ambitious goal," in that tone of voice. Yeah Skippy, it's an ambitious goal and I'm not getting younger as the years pass by. Oh and neither are you, or hadn't you noticed? And the walking is to give my lazy ass the energy to work on that 'ambitious goal' combined with making it through each work day.

Back to that comment about being in the right place right now and all that... I've been thinking about the men (boys?) that were in my life that I had to wipe completely out of my life. Their confusion causing behaviours were too time consuming for one and I discovered that there is a reason for me being single right now. I need all the time I can fit in to the work on my goals and a confusing man just takes my focus away from that.

If a man can't just show his interest without a lot of game playing and strange bullshit, he's not interested enough and at no time will that relationship change, it will only get worse. You can justify anyone's bad behaviour but you'll still keep getting bad behaviour. Bottom line. They were cute, but they weren't Gods. 6'5" built like a brick shit house, now that's a God! If I'm going to have my time consumed, let it be with a God! Here here!

I'm 42 years old soon to be 43. I don't know if I'm going to live for another year or if I'll live into my 80's or if I'll make it to a hundred with all my mental faculties in tact (touch wood). I've really hit my wall of mortality and there are things I want to do with my life before I die. And I'm not interested in sharing that time with people who only want to talk about themselves or tell me about their projects but have no genuine interest in mine except to find an opportunity to criticize me. Or ask me how I am and in the midst of telling them they cut me off because they are reminded about some more information about themselves. My ears are closed to you. I've got bigger and better things on the front and back burners.

I've been the go to girl for my whole life and all it's done was to let my life slip by while others ran off and lived theirs only to come running back when in crisis. If you're in crisis, go see a therapist. They're paid to listen. They're professionals. They do it during business hours. IT IS NOT MY JOB TO HEAL THE FUCKING WORLD! It's not my job.

I'm finally getting it. I've finally realized how much better I feel by putting myself first in my life. If I have anything healing to say, it's to tell you to go and put yourself first in your life.

And for my little friend who hasn't found a new job yet, but will soon, and reads me daily (have I told you I love you?) just remember that you too are in the right place right now, we all are. What do you need to do while you're in this place, if there is a purpose for you being here? I ask only because I want you to feel better in your moment of feeling stuck.


02 January 2007

Tarot Your Year

I tried this ritual on December 31st, it was enlightening...

From Beverlee at astrologybybeverlee (Click the title to access her web site)

As one year comes to a close one cycle ends and another cycle begins to unfold. So I'd like to offer you a ritual to perform as you mark the passing of one year--2006 and the beginning of another--2007.

You'll need a Tarot Deck to perform this ritual.

New Year's Tarot Meditation

To begin, find a quiet spot where you will not be disturbed, seat yourself comfortably and take a deep breath. Now just exhale the year that is ending. Better yet, take in a deep breath for each month and exhale the closing year a month at a time. While you are exhaling, you might like to visualize a calendar and its pages—starting with January—being exhaled out into the Universe. If there is something special that you want to let go of that occurred in one of these months, visualize it moving away from you off into the distance and into the Universe, leaving you forever.

When you complete this visualization you should be feeling much lighter and ready to prepare for the beautiful New Year that awaits you. Now you're ready to begin the Tarot Meditation that will reveal your expectations, wishes and possibilities for the New Year.

This Tarot Meditation is designed to correspond to the Lunar Phases with which we have become so familiar as we've worked together with them over the past few years. You'll begin by shuffling your Tarot Deck to imbue it with your energy. Then you're going to cut the deck towards you with your left hand and draw nine cards.

The first card you draw will be the Creator. Place it in the center of the circle. This card symbolizes your highest potential for the coming year. It shows how you will be connected to your "Great I Am" throughout the year.

The second card you draw represents you and the new beginnings you are committed to making in the coming year. You may use this card for visualization for the entire year because it symbolizes what you are in the process of becoming. This card also symbolizes the New Moon—beginnings. Place this card in the Eastern part of your circle.

The third card you draw represents what you must build and work on in the coming year in order to be successful. It correlates to the Crescent Phase. Place this card in the South Eastern part of the circle.

The fourth card represents what you have to step out and try in the New Year so that you will feel like you are doing something that is expressing your individuality. It symbolizes the First Quarter Phase of the Moon. Place this card in the Southern part of the circle.

The fifth card represents your inner child and what it is seeking in the way of creativity and fun for the New Year. This card can also have a great deal to do with your work and how you plan to make it a pleasurable experience. It embodies the Gibbous Phase of the Moon. Place this card in the South Western part of the circle.

The sixth card you draw represents your shadow issue and what you must learn this year in order to have a good relationship with others. It also represents the Full Phase of the Cycle. Place this card in the Western part of the wheel.

The seventh card represents what you have to give out unconditionally all year long in order to stay in balance and receive abundance. This ties in with the Disseminating Phase. Place this card in the North Western part of the wheel.

The eighth card represents your power for the New Year. This is your goal—what you can achieve when all of the other cards are balanced. This corresponds to the Last Quarter Phase of the Cycle. Place this card in the Northern position of the wheel.

The ninth card represents what you will be letting go of in the New Year. It also symbolizes the part of you that needs rest and healing. This is your spiritual program for the New Year. You can think of it as your retreat card. It's similar to the Balsamic Phase of the Moon. Place it in the North East position in the wheel.

Now it's time to read the descriptions for each of the cards you have drawn in the book or booklet that accompanies your Tarot Deck. You will be amazed by how they describe what's going on with you both on an inner and outer level. Write down the description for each of the cards you have drawn. You will want to refer to them during the year to see whether you are on track with the Grand Design of your life, because each of them mirrors your intention for the coming year.