31 December 2007

Choose Power Animal for 2008

I chose my power animal for 2008. Mine is the Horse! The Horse is about freedom, balance and abundance. Sounds good to me...

check out Carrie Hart's Power Animals Unleashed by clicking the title of this entry.

plus read Carrie Hart's (and Quado's) channelled message for 2008 below...


2008 is the Year of Power

2008 is the year of power, personal power, the power to create your life unhindered by fear and doubt, the power to come fully into yourself, reach your deepest core and shine out with all you are.

As the last year was a year of transition and often confusion, so the coming year is one of clarity and an explosion of power into your life. As prior years have been years of growth and learning, discovery and exploration, so this coming year is one of expression of all you have learned, full self-expression using the talents that have been created through your learning as well as those that have long lain dormant.

This is the year of power. This is the year of expression. This is the year of freedom.

And all of this is yours through the connection you have with the great all, with your own godliness, with the energy within you that ties to the great source of all energy. You do not need to earn this; it is yours. You do not even need to learn this; it is yours as a natural part of your being. You cannot help but be one with the power. It is simply so.

All you need to do, right now, is acknowledge it, feel it, own it. You do, in fact, know what you want out of life. You do, in fact, know your deepest dreams. And these dreams are to use the talents and characteristics that are within you. They are there for that reason. They are there finally to be acknowledged and utilized as a part of your full self-expression.

And so, claim this power. Claim your life. Claim your inheritance, your birthright, to be a fully-expressed and powerful human being, walking this earth with purpose, each step guided by the light of love, the pathway ahead sparkling with infinite possibility and the great and unending grace of God flooding down upon you as you walk.

See the glow within you, the spark of divine presence that is you. See yourself glowing brighter and brighter, glowing with the goodness and godliness that you are. See how that glow extends out and out, further and further, until it light up the world.

And from this space and this place, create your life. Pull out that dusty old dream, the one that seems too big, the one that everyone says is impossible, yet still the one that makes your heart beat faster.

Take it out and give it power; give it light and energy. Now let it go, fully charged and burning bright, and watch it ascend into the sky, up and up, until it is a star to light your life, hanging up in the firmament, ready to guide you each step of the way.

Connect with that star. Feel and see the bond that reaches from that star down to you. Feel that you and your star are one and the same. Feel that you have within you all the power of the brightest star in the sky, all the power of all that is, the true godliness of creation, all within you.

And now, stand tall and reach your hand up to the night sky. Point your finger at your star and see the lightning flash out. Hear the thunder answer. Let your power flash out in wonder and glory as you declare yourself clearly and fully: I am! I am!

This is your year to be guided by this star, letting each step expand your light and lift you higher. This is the year to shine out in freedom and godliness, shining as brightly as your star shines in the sky.

The time is here. Say it aloud, say it with power, say it because it is true: I am!


Visit www.carriehart.com for music, poetry, meditations, healing crystals and messages from the last several weeks.
Copyright 2007 by Systematique. All rights reserved.

Tarot Your Year 2008

Tarot Your Year
I posted this entry last year and thought I'd post again for those interested...

From Beverlee at astrologybybeverlee (Click the title to access her web site)

As one year comes to a close one cycle ends and another cycle begins to unfold. So I'd like to offer you a ritual to perform as you mark the passing of one year--2006 and the beginning of another--2007.

You'll need a Tarot Deck to perform this ritual.

New Year's Tarot Meditation

To begin, find a quiet spot where you will not be disturbed, seat yourself comfortably and take a deep breath. Now just exhale the year that is ending. Better yet, take in a deep breath for each month and exhale the closing year a month at a time. While you are exhaling, you might like to visualize a calendar and its pages—starting with January—being exhaled out into the Universe. If there is something special that you want to let go of that occurred in one of these months, visualize it moving away from you off into the distance and into the Universe, leaving you forever.

When you complete this visualization you should be feeling much lighter and ready to prepare for the beautiful New Year that awaits you. Now you're ready to begin the Tarot Meditation that will reveal your expectations, wishes and possibilities for the New Year.

This Tarot Meditation is designed to correspond to the Lunar Phases with which we have become so familiar as we've worked together with them over the past few years. You'll begin by shuffling your Tarot Deck to imbue it with your energy. Then you're going to cut the deck towards you with your left hand and draw nine cards.

The first card you draw will be the Creator. Place it in the center of the circle. This card symbolizes your highest potential for the coming year. It shows how you will be connected to your "Great I Am" throughout the year.

The second card you draw represents you and the new beginnings you are committed to making in the coming year. You may use this card for visualization for the entire year because it symbolizes what you are in the process of becoming. This card also symbolizes the New Moon—beginnings. Place this card in the Eastern part of your circle.

The third card you draw represents what you must build and work on in the coming year in order to be successful. It correlates to the Crescent Phase. Place this card in the South Eastern part of the circle.

The fourth card represents what you have to step out and try in the New Year so that you will feel like you are doing something that is expressing your individuality. It symbolizes the First Quarter Phase of the Moon. Place this card in the Southern part of the circle.

The fifth card represents your inner child and what it is seeking in the way of creativity and fun for the New Year. This card can also have a great deal to do with your work and how you plan to make it a pleasurable experience. It embodies the Gibbous Phase of the Moon. Place this card in the South Western part of the circle.

The sixth card you draw represents your shadow issue and what you must learn this year in order to have a good relationship with others. It also represents the Full Phase of the Cycle. Place this card in the Western part of the wheel.

The seventh card represents what you have to give out unconditionally all year long in order to stay in balance and receive abundance. This ties in with the Disseminating Phase. Place this card in the North Western part of the wheel.

The eighth card represents your power for the New Year. This is your goal—what you can achieve when all of the other cards are balanced. This corresponds to the Last Quarter Phase of the Cycle. Place this card in the Northern position of the wheel.

The ninth card represents what you will be letting go of in the New Year. It also symbolizes the part of you that needs rest and healing. This is your spiritual program for the New Year. You can think of it as your retreat card. It's similar to the Balsamic Phase of the Moon. Place it in the North East position in the wheel.

Now it's time to read the descriptions for each of the cards you have drawn in the book or booklet that accompanies your Tarot Deck. You will be amazed by how they describe what's going on with you both on an inner and outer level. Write down the description for each of the cards you have drawn. You will want to refer to them during the year to see whether you are on track with the Grand Design of your life, because each of them mirrors your intention for the coming year.

Drinking Karoake and Singing Corona

Monday 31Dec07 10:15am

So I've overcome my excruciating pain, for the most part. It's been quite the journey for sure.

It's so funny how things can just drop into your lap sometimes. I'd been of course suffering in pain for almost 2 months when I went to see Theatre Rusticle's show April 14, 1912. Before the show I caught up with the people who seeing the show with me and saw the director's boyfriend. He looked at me and was just shocked by how out of it from the pain I was. He said, "We have to take care of this!"

I watched the show without moving a bone for the whole show. Great show, by the way. It was mentioned as one of the top 10 theatre shows (and companies) in Now magazine for 2007!

After the show there was an opening night reception and again, everyone was looking at me with such shock from how out of whack I looked. I cannot even describe the kind of pain I was in. All I can say is that I cried at least once a day because of the pain. My one friend who is a massage therapist just kept staring at me trying to figure out a way to help me since I said I couldn't even tolerate the thought of manipulative massage. I would do Reiki if I could find a good Reiki practitioner.

I spoke to boyfriend again and he asked me if I met husband of one of the other attendees. "Husband can help you!" He said as he dragged me over to where Husband was. He literally said to him, "This is Shelley, she's in pain, Help Her!" ha ha.
Husband brought me to his car, like we were doing a drug deal (as we all laughed nervously about how suspicious we looked). He didn't have a machine in his car but promised to get one to me. True to his word, he passed one on to TR's director and she dropped it off to me at work. I started the sound vibration that night.

Strange little machine. The booklet says that you can only work on two pained areas at once. I chose my carpal tunnel and my neck pain figuring it was like book ends, start there and the stuff in the middle will get the effects. I used the machine twice a day for three weeks. Within a week I was feeling improvements and within the 2nd week, the pain was GONE! Like with medication you have to follow through on the program even if the pain has gone and I was a good girl and followed through.

Hmm, the machice is called Ensonix Sound Vibration. A picture of it can be found at http://www.myarthritisstore.com/ (click the title of this entry)
Of course if some sales guy had come up to me to sell me one of them I'd think he's a freak and wouldn't believe in the benefits. But because I was in so much pain and had tried everything save chopping my arm off (which I'd considered) I was willing to try sucking on Olives if someone told me it would help and I hate Olives. Because my pain was acute pain, I think, the machine worked quickly. I'm currently using it on my arthritic toes and am starting the 3rd go round (three weeks of sound therapy, 5 days of none). But my arthritis is chronic pain that I've had for close to 20 years so I'm expecting it will take some time. I have felt some improvement. The other recommendation is to have as little weight bearing activities as possible which is hard for my feet since I need to walk. But it's coming along.

The whole pain thing freaked me out soundly. I really had to slow down plus I kept my outings with friends to a bare minimum. My girlfriend Jojo kept me as drunk as possible as much as possible. ha ha! My Halloween girlfriend (day of her birthday) recommended taking gravol to help me sleep. It increased my sleep time from 2 hours to 4 hours. Lolo sent me many a message and placed a couple of calls from South Korea to check in on me. And of course the Theatre Rusticle clan set me up with this sound vibration that truly saved my life. Even my boys at work were getting freaked out because I was breaking down at my desk. I was honestly considering going to my doctor to find out about medicinal weed!

So since then I took it easy. I've been pretty scared to work on my computer at home so the writing has been nonexistent. I've stayed away from using the phone as much as possible since I'm one of those bad people who rests it on my shoulder which is not good if I don't want to be in any pain. Thankfully I was out of pain in time for my Author's festival and enjoyed that as always and met a really nice author from Germany (Jakob Arjouni). We exchanged email addresses and I have yet to send him any greetings.

November I lost my fourth and newest cat Zoe. I only had her for five months and half of that time I was in pain. So I didn't know her well enough to notice that she wasn't acting right. When I finally realized, she's just not right I rushed her to the vet and was not given a good prognosis. I brought her home and spent the last day with her and the next morning brought her to the Humane Society because I couldn't bear the thought of putting another cat down at the exact same time as I put my beloved Saki down 4 years ago. It was too much to bear. I cried the whole time at the Humane Society. I cried and apologized to Zoe and was heart broken to find out that when you surrender a pet to the Humane Society you never know one way or the other about the pet. Nothing. Did they save her life? Did they put her down? Nothing. Now I don't donate money to charity with the thought, "What's in it for me?" But you'd think after years of donating money that is matched by the company I work for, that there would be something to make me feel better... I'm just saying. I walked home with the empty carrier case balling my eyes out. I was such a mess I couldn't even contemplate taking public transit.

That devastation brought me into December. It's a bad month of the year at the best of times, what with it being when my Mom died and all my previous years of hating Christmas and the like. The first week brought me into month end and year end deadlines at work. One boss, the procrastinator of the century, just wasn't handing in all the stuff that I knew he should be. Every day I told both bosses, don't wait til the last minute because I'm not working any overtime for this. I made it really clear that Friday, Dec 7th (the day that my Mom died) was my deadline for my work. There was no way that I could do any of their stuff on Friday. Can you feel it coming? No overtime, my work deadline Friday!

So Thursday at about 12:30pm, the procrastinator of the Century gives me all his stuff for purchase orders that must be done or they will fall in to next years budget. It was the stack that even if I didn't take my lunch break I still wouldn't get done without staying over time! BITTER! I was so bitter that I yelled at him several times. I asked, "How long have you been sitting on this? I've told you, I've told you, I have my own shit to do tomorrow." I stayed late. I made him go get and buy me dinner. All was done! I was home by 7:45pm. I was tired but at least I was fed. It was all good.

Friday I send out an email asking very politely when the flatfile (a file with every charge made for the previous month) would come out and could it be soon. It takes me at least a couple hours to get through it and then I have a bunch of reports I have to run, balance, sign and get signed before I can hand it off to Accounting for them to upload everything into their program that they will ultimately process the invoices from. I run the error report for the flatfile and there is an error in it. There isn't supposed to be. I know off the first page that I'm not going to meet my work deadline. Okay. I can correct everything and see if I can get an updated version of the flatfile but even if I can, I won't get it until late afternoon which means I'll have to stay late on a Friday on the anniversary of my mom's death.

I go into a slow freak out that gains momentum: "I'm not staying late. I can't stay late. I shouldn't even be here. I should be home remembering my mother. I can't believe this is happening. Accounting is going to freak out. I can't believe I missed those things on the previous flatfile but I'm rushing through everything to get everything done and now I'm fucking up my own work. shit shit shit!"

I send an email to Accounting and the Property Manager: "I am not going to meet the year end deadline. I have officially reached the point in my position where I have too much work and I'm rushing through it and making mistakes. I don't know what else to tell you. Shelley"

The property manager calls and says that you can only do so much and shit happens. I start to explain what's happened and I burst into tears and say "I shouldn't even be here! I'm going home!"

I send my two bosses an email to their blackberries at 12:50pm (who are out for lunch because it's the one bosses birthday, by the way): "I am leaving for the day at 1pm. Shelley"

I log out of everything, shut everything down, put on my coat and wait for my co-worker to get back from lunch. I tell him that my deadline is fucked that I've had enough that I am going home and he looks so worried about me it's actually heartbreaking. I cry all the way home. ha ha! I never did spend any time properly remembering my mom because I was such a basket case.

The next day I bought new clippers and gave myself the Warrior Woman head shave. And was scary calm for the staff Christmas party. I wasn't sure if I was going to be fired, reprimanded or what after leaving work on Friday. But it turned out that my co-worker told my birthday boss what happened when he got back from lunch. Birthday boss said, "I knew it had to be something big for her to just leave like that." The party was fun and all was well in the world.

So in the last 6 months my boys have discovered that I'm not really one of the boys with all the tears of mine that they've seen between my pain, my cat, and my emotional breakdown. I've gained more of an attitude that I can only do my best and strive a little less for ultimate perfection (I admit to being a perfectionist at work). Perfection will kill you.

With my new calm demeanor I made it through the rest of the month unscathed. My bosses and I got out to more contractor's Christmas parties, which was a nice treat. I skipped any other outing that wasn't work related. We had our party in our department and one of the boys brought in his Karoake machine which went from me saying, "no, I'm not singing in front of strangers," to me singing the whole afternoon away as the building entertainment. No word of a lie. Then every one went home and I was still there at 8pm with the two guys on shift singing til the cows came home. ha ha! I basically had one of my "me, myself and I parties" in public. Lord help me!

Drinking Karoake and Singing Corona (that's how it felt when co-worker drove me home at the end of his shift.)

So needless to say after the trials and tribulations that were 2007 , I'm ready to put all that behind me and move forward with my goals. hmm, and I'm contemplating getting a karoake machine... just kidding!


24 September 2007

Missing in InAction

Monday 24Sept07 5:42pm

Just a quick note to say that I've been in pain for close to two months now! I've got carpal tunnel (shouldn't be typing); tennis elbow (never played tennis a day in my life); arthritis in my shoulder; and degenerative disc disease in my neck.
I'm in excruciating pain most of the time, wearing a wrist brace, icing myself like nobody's business and can't do too much for too long especially since I've been going to work every single day.

When something happens I'll be back.
In the meantime, I'm not responding to many emails, can barely write and am not blogging until further notice...


11 August 2007

What's in my heart?

Saturday 11:32am

Upon thinking about my previous entry my thoughts bounced around:
What's in my heart? Leo is about heart. August has been a far calmer Leo time for me compared to July Leo. Hm! I should look at the New Millenium Being newsletter again for Leo to see what I get out of it.

I immediately opened it to the pages I've highlighted and read this:
- complete or clarify relationships
- a new perspective and commitment
- sustain only that which is in alignment with your path
- concentrate on your next step
- stay focused and eliminate all distractions
- examine your motivations and align your goals to match your heart's desires
- devote your available time and resources to working toward what you really want

And for the Leo New Moon tomorrow:
Follow our hearts at this new moon. Set aside time to be with yourself and examine
1 - What you are currently creating and what you wish to create?
2 - What kind of light are you shining? How can you shine your soul light a little brighter?
3 - What is the nature of your soul blueprint? How is it guiding you toward your spiritual destination?

Somehow this brings my thoughts to our paths, whether we consider it spiritual or otherwise. It's so funny how some people will insist that when our paths veer in different directions that they are on a path but we're no longer on a path. If I can say that I believe in anything at all, I can say that I believe that we are all on our own path period. Whatever we choose to call it. Mine is a spiritual path.
As I truly embrace this belief more and more, I also find that I am placing less and less demands on others. If we are all on our own paths, right now, who am I to say that someone should be obligated to me? I don't have the right to ask that of anyone. Nor does anyone have the right to ask it of me. Which is my permission to myself to hibernate or take a break from all the social interaction or participate in the social interactions.


You Can Tell (Entry from W2L blog)

Saturday 10:34am 11Aug07

You can tell when my blogging time gets to be a bit too much for me because it starts to get a little too journaly. I find that I do go through cycles where I'm writing entries that I could have just put in my journal instead of on line. It's good to notice those cycles though. And even better not to beat myself up for them. It is just a cycle and eventually I'll move on to the next one.

I'm moving into hibernation mode a tad early this year. For my five days off I stayed close to home and now, with a few friend's show to see this weekend, I again want to stay close to home. There is a level of anticipation though with my early hibernation mode. The anticipation for that all consuming focus that's just around the corner. I feel an inner shift that I can't quite describe but I'm getting quiet. Maybe it's the voices, you know the ones, that tell you what you could do next. Or remind you of what you want. Or get you to sit still and meditate and connect with the magic in the air. Those voices.

Plus I notice that I've been feeling under the weather far more frequently than normal. Of course it's my body's way of telling me to slow down. Get in touch. Be silent. Listen. If I'm quiet enough, the answers will tumble out of me or toward me or something.

I've got books piled up around the apartment. Books I want to read. Books I want to study. Books that remind me of that passion that blocks out the junk of life, like the power struggles. That passion that steps me outside of the woulda, coulda, shoulda's and into the now and what there is that is good. There is a lot that is good.

I'm feeling nervous about the fall television line up because I don't actually want to tape anything this season. Or not much, anyhow. I'm nervous because, even though I dropped a lot of shows last year compared to the year before, I'm feeling not antagonistic but it's like the television is coming to an end for me. Or more aptly, it needs to.

That's it! The early hibernation mode and the inner voices that are getting louder, and the funny feelings toward the television are all about the question, what am I willing to give up in order to realize my dreams? And it brings me to the simplest realization that it's about change, it's time to make some changes in my life, again. And not a moment too soon either, tomorrow is the new moon, a prime opportunity to start anew.

It's time to make changes and it's time to listen. Sweep away the distractions that seem like a good idea at the time. Listen to my body and slow down. Ask myself , again and again, "what do I want? How do I feel? Where do I want to go?"

My friend Jojo and I discussed her current situation, last week. For the first time, for as long as I've known her, she talked about moving back to her home town. I didn't say that I would miss her tremendously. I didn't say, don't worry everything will work out and you won't have to go home. I didn't say anything that might sway her to consider staying in Toronto. I told her, "you have to do what is the best for you. What is going to soothe your heart? What is going to make you feel better about your life?"

Now, most of my friends would say, 'that's you Shelley, that's the kind of advice you give all of us.' As if it's an easy thing for me to do. On the contrary, inside I'm thinking, 'how am I going to survive not having access to this person in my day to day life?' What the fuck am I going to do?

But over the last few days, with the guilt tripping I often do when I don't have the energy to be the all giving supporter, it's slowly dawning on me. I also have to do what is best for me. What is going to soothe my life? What is going to make me feel better? So I miss a few friend's shows this go round. If I'm the friend that gives that kind of advice to everyone, I need to give it to myself as well.

I'm not the person that I used to be, who dropped everything for everyone. Or who shows up for every single performance and every single reading and party and function. But that is still a big aspect of who I am to people. I like to support people, for sure, but I need to feel free to give myself permission to support myself first.
And the people that I give my support to wholeheartedly will have to understand that in return. And I really have to learn how to stop guilt tripping myself about it, when I don't have it to give. That's the big one.


04 August 2007

And Me

9:35am Saturday 4Aug07

With my power struggling frustrations of the last couple weeks and my newest affirmation, I basically came home each day and rewrote my goals to have a more serious focused sense of urgency. Back in the day when I was more worried about work I would have gone out and found another job (and that's not totally out of the question) but these days I feel it's more about my passion. And not in a Tour de France doping scandals cheating kind of passion. Had to add that in.

I've given myself a new weekend goal of five hours of writing before I can go outside to play. If I'm a lazy ass and it takes me all day to get those 5 hours done, well, it sucks to be me.

I am going to get back into checking out the classifieds in the Saturday Star just to see what's out there. You never know, I could end up finding a job that enables me to write more. You have to always be on the lookout in order to be prepared.

I went for a beer Wednesday night because I knew I needed to just sit for a minute before I came home. My plan was to come home and call Montreal to talk to my male bestfriend and chat and laugh. I'm always guaranteed that he will make me laugh. But somehow Wednesday at the bar turned out to be just what I needed. Bartender boy handed me a slice of blueberry pie the moment I came in. Blueberry pie is my favorite. Especially since the blueberry pie craving of 1999 when I ate at least a half a pie for about three months. But I digress.

I chatted with one regular until she left then slid down the bar and chatted with another regular. I had my mingle on. My golfer buddy who is also from Montreal sauntered in and I ended up sitting with him at his table and told him my power struggle story and we flipped back and forth between that and discussing our passions and talking about wasted time and energy and the lack of money and how it can get you so down about yourself and on and on. Everytime it looked like I might be leaving, he bought me another beer. He totally was my surrogate best friend and saved me the long distance call.

And with all that, I'm reminded, that even when it feels like shit is pouring down on you and making you feel stinky, there are sweet little miracles that happen too. People that come out of the woodwork who really hear what you are saying rather than steamrolling you with all their interests. And men! Can I just say that I have seen three of the best looking men I've ever seen in my life and have had conversations with them. That's always a pleasant surprise. A miracle really.

One of the hot men sent me on my way to work yesterday with a spring in my step. I ran into him at the depanneur and he approached me and looked at me like he could have sucked all the meat off my bones. ha ha! It was a nice feeling because he'd remembered me from four years ago and he wasn't looking at me in a gross dirty way and he didn't push it. He told me I looked great then gave my whole body the perusal that spoke volumes. Ah what the heck, yelled volumes. and I liked it. I tell you some guys know how to make you feel like a desirable woman wtihout pushing limits.

And in passing I mentioned to Jojo that I didn't know if I'd make it out over the last couple nights because I was feeling spent and needed to come home and lick my wounds. My girl, kept the contact on high, "do you need me? do you need anything? what can I do for you that'll help?"
And she called me last night when I got home just to make sure that being alone was what I really needed. I promised that I'd be better today and would go and see her (after my five hours of writing of course). Which guarantees a big squishy hug that cracks a few of my bones. ha ha! But it's needed and greatly appreciated.

With the shit storm, It's so nice to know that I have some good supportive people around me.

Anyhow, it's Caribana weekend and I don't quite feel up to the rollerblade over to Jamieson nor the crowds. But it's beautiful weather and my AC has taken the humidity out of my apartment and my cats are nuts but funny and I'm off for 5 days. That's 25 hours of writing, if not more.

Hmm. And I'm craving chicken wings again. I made chicken wings two times this week and am planning to make some more today. ha ha.


Power Struggling Leo

8:48am Saturday 4Aug07

Well, July Leo was all about power struggles. The person who took on the main Leo characteristic of wanting to be the king of the beasts was making a good go at beating me down and proving her point. It brought me back to my childhood, to some extent. I mostly didn't get it, why the one step sister was in such big competition with me, mostly because I wasn't in competition with her. I didn't get that she believed I had some sort of mysterious power that had she paid any real attention she would have seen that power was not one of the things I could have put on my list of stuff that belonged to me.

When I finally got mad in my late teenage years, I came into my own power but that took a good 6 years before I tried those shoes on and a good year before I could walk comfortably in those shoes.

As I look at present day power struggle, I realize that, a portion of it has to do with my looks. When people can't tell how old I am they have a tendency to think I'm 20 years younger than I am. When in a position of power, the people with the power treat a person of 23 years far different than a person of 43 years. And of course there is the assumption that I'm out partying all the time, which the people who don't know me well assume I'm doing. Plus I'm also, God forbid, not married. So clearly that means that I don't have the same level of seriousness as those childbearing marrieds. And finally, just like in childhood, I feel no need to prove myself nor set the record straight.

Believe what you want to believe about me. I feel no need to control your thoughts or perceptions.

As the one who wants the power puts on the pressure, camps are created and my everpresent predictions. If she fucks up she will have the rude awakening when no one covers her ass nor backs her up. I hope to see this prediction happen in Scorpio. Scorpio is such a great time for revenge. Scorpio's as a whole are the best people for remembering a slight and preparing for that one time when they can sting you to death. I'm not wishing this on her, mind you, I just know that it's inevitable. You can only step on so many toes for so long before all hell breaks loose.

And in the meantime, in order to cope, I've written myself a new affirmation:

I believe that the daily frustrations are the Universe's way of telling me to focus all my energy on my writing. Power struggles are a waste of time.


05 July 2007

A Religious Experience

Thursday 8:39pm

I was on my lunch sitting outside the tower, eating my yellow peppers and mini carrots and drinking my beet juice. I've been reading Marianne Williamson's book a Return to Love. I'm sitting there quite enjoying the greyness of the day with the nice cool breeze. I was also enjoying the book.

I'd read a little and think about what I'd just read... "if you go deeply enough into your mind, and deeply enough into mine, we have the same mind. The concept of a divine, or "Christ" mind, is the idea that, at our core, we are not just identical, but actually the same being. 'There is only one begotten Son' doesn't mean that someone else was it, and we're not. It means we're all it. There's only one of us here."

I sat and thought about that. Imagine that person that just walked by is me. Imagine that my co worker who works my last nerve is me. It's not like it's something new, I've heard this before but how, if I chose to, could I inhabit that with acceptance?

I read some more: "I accept the Christ within" means, "I accept the beauty within me as who I really am. I am not my weakness. I am not my anger. I am not my small mindedness. I am much, much more. And I am willing to be reminded of who I really am."


"our entire network of fearful perceptions, all stemming from that first false belief in our separation from God and one another, is called the ego."

And finally

"remember, there's only one of us here: What we give to others, we give to ourselves. What we withhold from others, we withhold from ourselves. In any moment when we choose fear instead of love, we deny ourselves the experience of Paradise. To the extent that we abandon love, to that extent we will feel it has abandoned us."

I sat and thought about that. How might I put these ideas into practice? How might I make use of them in one of my novels?

I got to the section on the Holy Spirit and read this wee quote, "The Holy Spirit is the call to awaken and be glad."

I looked across the street, then looked between the buildings across the north side of the street at the air and saw water droplets falling. I couldn't really process it. I looked up at one of the buildings insisting that it must be window washers but couldn't see a swingstage. Hmm? I look east and see people running and I can't figure out why they are running. The people all around me are calm and smoking or talking or eating their street meat or whatever. Finally I see that the sidewalk across the street is getting wet. Then On my side of the street but east of me people are running. I look at my clothing to reassure myself that yes I'm really dry, nothing is coming down. Then I lift my head up to the sky directly above me and I think, "Am I having a religious experience? It's raining everywhere except for on me."
No sooner did I think that one of three women says out loud, "Oh My God! It's raining everywhere except over here!"
I burst out laughing, turn and say to her and her friends, "Oh You see that too? I thought I was having a religious experience!"
ha ha.
Then we all screamed, "It's coming!" and ran under the buildings awning.
I stood with them and told them what I was reading about how it's about Christ and God and Love and then this freaky rain thing happens and I'm thinking I'm getting some message from God. I had them in hysterics.

If the rain had stayed off me just long enough, I might be a devout monk now.


04 July 2007

Jane Fonda

Note: previous entries mentioned in this entry are on my writing2live blog.

Wednesday 5:34pm

Have I said this about a hundred times? I'm slowly going through my tapes and when I get to Inside the Actor's Studio there is always someone who I think, 'I don't have to watch this one. How interesting will so and so be?' Then I catch the beginning and am engrossed in the whole interview.

Of course that just happened with Jane Fonda. But even better, I watched it this morning and it was so good I rewound the tape to watch it again this afternoon and write notes.

You know so many questions are popping up and out of me lately. Between the Pisces kiss and the subsequent revelations and what made me so mad about it all. I can recall hearing someone saying something along the lines regarding depression that she wanted to make her life less about not being depressed and more about living an intentional life. I can't remember who said it and I never wrote it down because some things that are said just resonate so wholly within my being that I know I don't need to write them down. It's like it inhabits my subconscious in a magnetic sort of way and the right ideas start to stick to me. That's where my idea for embracing my singleness came from.

I don't know if I've expressed embracing my singleness well enough. It's not that I don't want to be with anyone or that I've been overly unhappy alone. I basically said to myself, "what if this is the last time, for the rest of my life, that I will be fully alone? How can I make good use of this time and be able to look back with fondness?"

When I was in constant survival mode and I was between jobs I was always so stressed about finding another job that I never enjoyed the time off work. Then when all worked out and I got a new job I'd always wished that I just relaxed enough to enjoy the time. That's what I'm trying to do now with being single and not having a group of friends to hang out with. Enjoy this time. Discover the things that I really like to do whether I have company or not. Live and enjoy my life despite not having a closet full of money.

Smoking to some extent falls in line with that. There's something that I feel is missing that smoking fills. It's something to focus on to take me away from discovering what that void is that needs to be filled. Jane Fonda talks about addiction and the space that is left when you give up an addiction(s).

My early notes from the first viewing were about her discussing, 'entering my truth'. I had to ask, "what is my truth?" A big question that may take me years to discover a full answer to. Maybe starting off with What do I really feel?

Yesterday morning I caught some police drama on A&E and Anthony LaPaglia's brother is in it and he's trying to get his woman to come in but she won't. I asked out loud, "Why did she bother going there then?" and I felt this ache. I had to ask, What is my ache regarding love? I have one, obviously, but how do I get to the meat of it and past the stories of, "I saw the kind of men my mother was with and what men can do to women" I guess the question is, 'How do I live MY life now with all the love I have to give and actually give it?'

My madness toward the man and his kiss is that I am coming to realize that I feel good enough about myself that I know that what he is offering is bullshit and that he would think it's okay to only offer me scraps that you give a dog. And because I can see different points of view, I'm even madder about the fact that he is with a woman who may or may not know that he is giving HER dog scraps. There's nothing wrong with being a dog but be a single dog and give women the opportunity to say yes or no.

Jane Fonda talked about her first marriage to a man who regularly brought other women into their bed with them. I wrote quickly, "not feeling good enough about yourself enought that you would allow a man to bring another woman into bed with the two of you. Feeling that the only way she could keep this man was to accept that she wasn't enough for him."

It's funny, it always brings me back to what I've always said since I was a kid watching my mother, "I'd rather be alone than suffer through that shit for the sake of having a man."
Jane also said, "It's in relationships where a loss of voice manifests."

Ahh! A loss of voice. I write to give myself voice, even if it's only my eyes that see the words...for now anyway. I leave men when I feel that I can't express my true voice, what I need, what I want, what I feel is missing. I've always wanted to have a relationship, it just so happens, that I've needed to be able to hear my voice more than be in a relationship.

With all my insecurities and feelings that I am so fucked up (I'm not denying that I'm not fucked up) I am discovering that I am more than enough. I do not need to be with someone who convinces me that I'm not enough for his own gains. And isn't there a piece of fiction following a man and a woman through that all? Where the man really sees what he has done to his woman because he could, because she let him, because she didn't think she was enough to keep him.

It takes me back to that question I blogged several weeks ago, "Can I trust you with my heart?" It's not that I can't commit. I can't commit to feeling not good enough and so I don't.

More quotes from Jane Fonda's interview, whose book I want to read, by the way:

"He would bring other women into our bed and it never occurred to me that I could say no. I assumed that it was that I wasn't enough and I didn't want him to leave me and being with him is what validated me. "

"I've come from a place where I would silence my voice, shut down my heart, betray my body because if he left me I would be nothing and fall down into a dark hole."

"I couldn't say to my husband. 'I don't want to anymore.' I couldn't say who I really was because I was scared of being alone."

"the need to please, the disease to please, the need to be perfect, is so pervasive in our society for women... usher perfection out the door and strive for completion."

"I don't want to die without giving voice to my wholeness with the man I love."

"What is more important to me is my authenticity. Being intentional about how I live."

"I don't want to have regrets at the end of my life. What will I have to do now so that I won't have regrets and then it's about being intentional about how you live, the way you live. It's painful but it's the right thing to do."

She was amazing and can I just say that when ever the camera panned the audience the women were wiping away tears.

And she said it, she is a privileged white woman and she still felt that she wasn't good enough. That's pretty powerful when you really think about that.


25 June 2007

Inside our heads

Monday 25June07
I've started reading A Return to Love (Reflections on the Principles of A Course In Miracles) by Marianne Williamson. I've been wanting to read A Course in Miracles but my focus still isn't there for it. For some reason, I still like the interpretations of it, like comments that Wayne Dyer has made and now Marianne's book.

In it, I had to laugh at her comment, "what I learned from A Course in Miracles is that the change we're really looking for is inside our heads.' It fit perfectly with my dealing with Talk Show Host today. When I stopped insisting that he shouldn't be that way, when I changed how I react to him everything changed for me.

I realize that he gets it too. Not once has he ever asked me why I don't respond to his incessant questioning. When I don't play his game he walks away. If his questions were so important he would ask me again but he never does.


My Two Cents

Monday 25June07

I wrote an entry in my other blog awhile back about having an epiphany about staying in one place versus running away. (click this link to read it)

The thing about staying put is that you do have to find a way to cope with naturally argumentative people. Talk show host is one of those difficult people I have to deal with at work. He has a shit disturber mentality. He likes to tell you that Harry said such and such about you then get you all worked up to the point where you say something about Harry. Then he'll run off to Harry to tell him what you said. He'll run back and forth until you and Harry confront each other over some non existent situation orchestrated by Talk show host. It makes him laugh, that's why he does it. He is truly gifted. You wouldn't believe how easily you can get drawn in.

He's been pulling these pranks on the guys for years and can still get a guy or two riled up. After every instance each person will say , "I don't know how I let him get me into this again. I should know better. I should know him by now."

I've been caught in his sticky web a number of times to the point of yelling with the veins popping out of my head. He has a way of putting things so innocently that you don't even realize he's doing what he's doing until it's too late. After so many times of coming home mad as hell and asking myself what I'm going to do to cope with this person I've finally figured out my own way.

If he asks a question, I answer the initial question and when he fires off the next question, I either claim, "I don't know," or I just don't answer him. I turn my attention and do something else as if he never said a word. Rude as it may sound, it's been working for me. Silence really is golden.

Today he asked, "Did you see the gay pride parade?"
I answered, "I didn't do the parade this year."
He said in an inappropriately loud voice, "I didn't ask if you did the parade, I asked if you saw it."

Normally my disposition is geared towards saying something like, "you know what I meant," and that would give him the opportunity to have our conversation escalate to me being angry and him having his big laugh at my expense. Instead I just shrugged my shoulders and walked away keeping my two cents to myself.

I realize that it's my need to be right that used to catch me up in his web. But happily enough my need to stay calm and have peace has superseded my need to be right. I find it's helped me to not only cope with this person but not get caught up in his constant bullshit.
There are some people you just have to write off for your own sanity. And my sanity is worth more than being right.


24 March 2007

My Confession - Patience

Saturday 24Mar07 11:04am

I caught the movie, Green Fingers, this morning. In it the old guy Fergus gets Clive Owen's character to plant violet seeds in an area where no one could believe that they could ever grow. Come spring the violets have grown and Fergus makes a comment about finding beauty in the most unlikely places. He suggests that Clive Owen's character (Luke?) find a way to learn how to embrace the adversity in his life even though they are prisoners.

Something made me think about the qualities we want to develop in ourselves. My latest quality of the last year or so has become patience. Not the losing your temper kind of patience but the long term patience of seeing things through. Of course when ever you decide on a certain quality you come face to face with it in a major way.

I am known for being uncommitted when it comes to relationships with men. Part of it is because I've been disappointed so often and for so long that I'd basically given up. If the truth be known. Why wish for something if it feels like it's not destined to ever happen in your life? It seems ridiculous to me. So I stopped wishing and worse yet, believing.

I met a man in December 2005. We were introduced in passing by a mutual friend. There was something about him the moment I saw him that I liked. I can recall thinking, "He's cute in a different way. I'd go out with him. He probably wouldn't look twice at me."

In February of 2006 our paths crossed again and over the last year we've become more friendly and have learned bits and pieces about each other. My original appraisal of him has turned into a full fledged crush. Of course nothing can be that simple in my life. With things not happening fast enough in my opinion I looked for other distractions i.e. other men to be interested in. I stayed away from him. I ignored him. I closed my thinking to him.

The male distractions never bore fruit in any substantial way. I was never that interested, my heart wasn't in it. I could care less if it worked out one way or the other. I finally read the signs and dropped all the distractions.

Over the last five months or longer I've resurfaced admitting to myself finally that I can't really get this person out of my head. I want to know more about him. I want to know if he's a worthwhile human being. I want to know what kind of man he is. And I've witnessed some pretty consistent remarkable things. Nothing has developed still and yet so much has developed.
I always have all these questions I want to ask him and all thoughts escape my mind whenever I come face to face. He does and says things that are quite sweet and leaves me wondering when action will follow or if any action will action follow.

He has become my patience meter. There are certain people that come into your life and you just know what purpose your connection to eachother is met. His purpose in my life is to teach me that long term patience (maybe even the patience of Job!) I've gone from running far away from him to that high school confusion of, "Does he like me?" Finally I've reached an inner calm (still with a sense of urgency) that acknowledges that whatever happens will happen. We could become great friends, something deeper, or we'll disappear out of each other's lives. Who really knows about anyone you meet, what your relationship could become?

Maybe it's not how long a relationship lasts or what it develops into but who I become because of it.


09 March 2007

Living My Best Life

Friday 9:19pm 9Mar07

I'm feeling real good tonight. I'm finding myself being more friendly with complete strangers. I'm finding the joke in most situations. I feel like I'm in love, but I'm not. I like the thought of being in love with someone but I think I'm falling in love with myself actually. I'm falling in love with myself because I'm finding ways to share myself with others the way that I want to. I feel more optimistic about everything. I'm falling in love with myself because I'm getting in touch with, 'this is who I am, take me or leave me'. I'm feeling more comfortable about being a flawed person and it feels good.

I'm finding that as I delve into my own insecurities I keep coming back up from them and seeing my life to be more fun even the waiting and figuring out if the guy that I've liked and have been getting to know for a year likes me back. Yeah, I'm feeling like a teenager, in that respect!

I started taping Oprah. I figured since I was taping Inside the Actor's Studio everyday I might as well tape Oprah. Tonight I caught her episode on women and aging. I was cracking up at some of the things the women said and feeling thrilled about some of the others. Like Diane Sawyer saying that at 60 years old she's finally realized that she needs to have time for herself. Diahann Carroll realizing that she'd never been without a man in her whole adult life and has actually learned how to love being alone and not having to report to someone. Also taking the reins and calling a man to fulfill her needs and not being invested in the outcome. And finally, depending on her friends more. All of those things I've figured out by being alone, by being the person that never jumped into new relationships the moment a relationship ended, taking the time to grieve the end of a relationship before I got involved with someone else.

My so-called embarrassing (or pity causing) singlehood has taught me how to be on my own and take care of myself and like myself and these women are saying that's something they've learned or embraced in their 60's! Heck, I got all that stuff out of the way and I'm only 43!

I'm finding my balance with people as a whole, in friendships and with men. After Oprah mentioned living your best life I thought, that's it, I'm learning how to live my best life. My rituals are defining who I am or I'm defining who I am through my rituals. I've always known that I wasn't going to be able to do everything the way my mother did. I was never going to the same king of selfless person that she was. I have a level of selflessness but I also need to be self focused. That is an extension of writing. I have to be able to focus on myself in order to take the time to write. There has to be a certain amount of self focus or setting that priority of putting myself first in order to set the priority of writing. I am in my writing. I write to absorb life and understand life. I write to analyze how I feel. I write because my imagination is out of control. I write because I'm interested and I love life's mysteries and I love to write.

I loved when Christina Yang said to Doctor Burke on Grey's Anatomy that she was a surgeon. That he was important to her and being a surgeon was important to her. She was telling him that she wasn't going to give up her career nor give him up. She wasn't going to be the woman that stays home while her husband is out in the trenches. She was going to be out in the trenches with him. She said, "we can hire a wife!" I loved what she said because women are discovering that they want the man but they don't want to be the house maid. We can hire people to clean the house and cook the meals and do all the other chores that most of us end up taking care of because, let's be honest, most men still don't share in taking care of the chores. I loved what Christina Yang said because I've always known that I didn't want to be the wife, not in the conventional sense anyway. I don't love doing housework. I'm not interested in running a ship shape household. I just don't care about it. I'm impressed with people who do, but I don't. Somehow she validated it for me in my feminine consciousness. This is who I am, take it or leave it. That was a big insecurity for me, how can I be a whole woman and not want to do all the things that are supposedly within a woman's domain?

I'm a whole woman exactly the way I am. My mother always got a kick out me. She was in awe of my opinions and my independence but boy she'd be proudly jealous of the woman I've become.

I'm still amazed at how good I feel just from the memory of my birthday a full week later. Read about it here and here.


27 February 2007

Frustration Turns into Creativity

Tuesday 5:43pm 27Feb07

Yesterday I started the day off with a giggle thinking how relaxing my morning at work was going to be. Well, at least it started that way. Then it turned into a beat down session with me being the one beat down. I answered the phone with exasperation more times than not.

When I got home last night I was sure that I was going to dive into bed head first. I certainly couldn't blog. No one wants to read about that shit. I didn't even have the energy to go to the liquor store for a bottle of wine. The thought of standing in line sweating in my layers was akin to some kind of Japanese water torture.

I didn't think I was going to write at all. I started my journal, 'Today the wrath of Mercury retrograde reared its angry head in my direction.' Heck, I was the bullseye! The day was all about communication, miscommunication, hostile communication, Mercury's domain.

Somehow I figured out that sleeping and/or drinking wasn't the answer. So I wrote. I wrote my 1 hour mind cleanse for 30 minutes. I wrote my freeflow for my novel and I worked out. In the midst of working out I realized that frustration and anger motivate me.

I wrote in my journal, 'What a great thing sometimes frustration can be because it stops me and gets me to ask the question, what do I most need to focus on for my sanity and my future? I need to be able to ask that question when I'm not frustrated or angry. I want to feel good. I don't want to be ruled by a life of roller coaster emotions in order to create because that's the kind of person I am, the one who loves to create.'

Through the midst of all that I also decided that since I've got all my novel notes and drafts and scratchings in one place, I'm going to read everything I have and plug the pieces into appropriate chapters of my novel.

In my journal I wrote, 'It makes sense to go through all my pieces of writing to throw them all into White Wishes chapters. Read through it, mark up the page and type it into my novel that I'm working on now. Add the daily freeflow stuff that I'm doing for each chapter as well. Just keep adding and reading and reorganizing until I get there. And when I have read through every last bit of paper and have a whole novel then sculpt it like clay into what I want it to be.

I, today, February 26th 2007, feel like I can complete White Wishes and it's the best feeling ever. I can really do this. How wonderful is that? It's been a long time coming and there is still more work to do but I finally genuinely feel like I've got the right focus. I really need to have that feeling of creating out of thin air (freeflow/ stream of consciousness writing) because I love that feeling but, as well, I can plop the finished pieces together and read them and sculpt the scenes. It's really really good, this love of what I do.'

Some how I transformed the frustration and channeled it. I've been working toward harnessing my energy instead of turning it into depression for years, yesterday I nailed it.


22 February 2007

The Bar

I'm in love! Okay, not with a person, but with a place. It's a small bar near where I work. I keep telling myself not to become a regular at this bar. It's nice once in awhile to show up and have a beer to break up the month of going straight home to write. It's nice once in awhile to go in and socialize and enjoy the cold refreshing beer saturating my tongue. But it's not my place, it's not my hang out.

What I discover everytime I go in is that there's something really magical about it. Everytime I go in there I meet someone new. The key of course could be that I go in there by myself, mind you, I do know enough of the regulars that I could conceivably just talk to them each time and never meet another new person. But I always meet someone new. It's fascinating. I get to hear funny stories, heart warming stories, personal stories. Stories galore! The place feeds my writer brain. Sometimes I can sit for an hour or so and work on my writing, sometimes I can't write because the socializing is on high and either way it feeds me.

Someone remarked last night, when I said that I didn't know what anyone there did for a living, that it was rare to meet a person who didn't immediately ask that question. I said that I want to talk to people not gauge how much money they may or may not earn. How much money someone makes has never been an interest to me.

At the bar, beautiful things happen in front of me because I expect some type of beauty there. I expect to meet nice people and I always do.

Last night one of the regulars was there and his daughters showed up with his 14 month old grand son. The bartender scooped up the chubby peach of a child and carried him around showing him off to everybody, excited by the size of the child, admiring the child's sunny face. What a gorgeous occasion to see a man thrilled by children. What a beautiful blessing having the chance to see another side, a tender side of a man. Especially a man. Babies stereotypically fall under a woman's domain. Women coo and ooh and aah over babies. In our society, men aren't supposed to.
In Wabi Sabi for writers by Richard R. Powell, he writes, "Male stereotypes pull hard at a boy; male society encourages a kind of brutish toughness. But my heart was born tender and gentle; my strength increased when I turned away from male pride..."
What a joy to see a man that has overcome that noise and who openly enjoys the sight of a chubby baby. I could almost see his heart swelling with joy over this baby. I'd love to see him when he finally has his own child. What a deserving heart for such a sacred experience.

And then there was the tale that Derek told me because I asked... "I hope I'm not being too forward in asking but what happened?"
see Derek's story next entry.

So slowly I'm becoming a regular in an alternate Cheers universe where everyone is beginning to know my name and I like it. Where the people feed into my writing world and where nice things happen because I'm looking for them


Derek's Story

Thursday 7:58pm 22Feb07

He was a broker. He'd made his first million dollars by the time he was 28 years old. He said that he would have nightmares about money. He'd disappear for days at a time, running off to Vegas getting so doped up and thinking he was in Ajax. He'd call his wife saying he wasn't sure where he was. She complained to him, you're working too much, you're too focused on money, you need to spend more time with me and your sons.

He shrugged off her complaints. She wasn't complaining about flying off to go shopping with her best girlfriend on his money and not having to work for a living, he thought.

She left him.

He continued on his path.

She got in a serious car accident and broke her neck. The doctor's called him and told him to bring their sons in to say goodbye to their mother.

He brought them in then spent what was to be her final days with her in the hospital. He took a leave of absence from work and spent all his days at the hospital or taking care of his sons. She kept hanging on.

Eventually her situation started to improve. There was constant care but she was improving. The doctors put steel rods in her neck. He helped her when it was time to go home. He's continued to spend time with her and care for their sons.

One night they had a long talk. She said that despite loving her sons, she'd always wanted a little girl. They agreed and set out to get her pregnant. Doing what you do.

She's pregnant and it's a little girl. Derek moves back in with her in 6 weeks. He quit his job and got another low maintenance job.

He said, "now I'm having nightmares about having a baby. A little girl! Will she be healthy? Will the delivery be too hard on my wife? I'm a complete mess."

A complete mess? He's changed his life drastically. He listened to the message that the universe offered him. He's been given a second chance and he's taking it.

What a great story and I'm so grateful that he told it to me.


12 February 2007

Mesmerized By Uncertainty

Monday 12Feb07 5:59pm

I took a cab to work this morning and got to hear a portion of a speech by Martin Luther King Jr. In it he talked about people being mesmerized by uncertainty. I liked that phrasing. It's true isn't it? We do spend so much needless time being mesmerized by uncertainty, focusing on all the things that can go wrong, focusing on all the things that frustrate us, focusing on all the things that we can't control. Personally, I can get into that spiral so easily and forget that there are any other possibilities.

It's just as easy to focus on all the things that could go right for a change. It would certainly give me a boost of positivity. What if I could complete all my novels? What if I could write 3 hours a day, every single day for the rest of my life and love myself for prioritizing? What if that smiling guy actually feels the same way about me? Who cares if he doesn't, by the time I realize he might not I'll have moved on, anyway. What if tomorrow I can accomplish one goal and the next day accomplish two and build on my successes every single day?

I liked the quote that either Deepak Chopra or Wayne Dyer mentions in their talk together (Creating your world the way you really want it to be.) One of them says, " Stop worrying about things you can't control because you can't control them so why worry about them? And Stop worrying about the things you can control because you can control them so there's no point in worrying about them. If you don't worry about what you can't control because you can't control it and you don't worry about the things you can control because you can control it, there's nothing to worry about. So Stop Worrying!"

I finally get that sugar makes me sleepy and have successfully cut that out as an option. I'm going to try being mesmerized by certainty for change. See how high I can lift my energy. Things are going to happen the way they happen anyway whether I look forward to things or feel scared of some unforeseen fallout.

You never know. What if I could get everything I want?


03 February 2007

I'm On The Path

Saturday 1:42pm 3Feb07

I'm always thinking about starting on my spiritual path to enlightenment but I often get all caught up with the fact that I like the taste of beer. Some how I have it in my head that if i'm to follow this path I'm going to need to give up drinking beer and live some sort of puritan existence.

Listening to my Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer Cd's and the ideas that they discuss, I tick off that imaginary checklist of some of the things I already do. Some of the things I fell into on my own, like the 4am rising. I've spent the last few days reminding myself that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It finally clicked in to my consciousness on Friday morning that I am already on the path. This is my path. I am a beer drinking woman on my path to spiritual enlightenment. ha ha!

Being on the path doesn't mean being perfect. And could I live with myself if I were perfect?

I discussed this with a girlfriend last night who listed off all the reasons why she is a failure or all the examples that prove that she has failed. I asked her if she ever felt like she was an outsider within her own family. She said yes. I told her that my interpretation of her life was that she has had to prove to herself that she can survive on her own, not leaning on her family. All the so called failures and failings and fuck ups were her way of proving to herself that she could survive anything.

You are already on your path. The things that you focus on that you feel bad that you haven't accomplished yet are only options for you to choose, if you want to choose them. If you want, you can choose something else.

A lot of people pay attention to me and what I do and how I think about things. What if I was the person to interest everyday people to notice what their path is? What if I am a guide to everyday people? Well I'd certainly be drinking beer with them, wouldn't I? I'd have a few beer and I'd speak to them in their language.

So I've decided that I am a beer drinking woman on my spriritual path to enlightenment. When my circumstances change so will my behaviour and when my behaviour changes so will my circumstances. And in the mean time I'm going to enjoy the taste of a beer or two.


Rise and Shine

1:15pm Saturday 3Feb07

Back in the days when I was a ticket seller at the North York Performing Arts Centre and I was doing my Child and Youth Work program at George Brown, I used to read business magazines like Canadian Business and Fortune Magazine. One of the things that I learned was that you could take a small successful business from somewhere and start the same thing where you are. Which we basically know as franchising. But there's the other side where you find something that a business is doing to generate more sales and customer interest and you basically copy that and get the same results. Hey I'm not a business geek so my explanation is crude!

Any how, that was how Dave Nichol started the insider's report back in the days when he was CEO of Loblaws. He took what he saw worked at another vastly different company and applied it to Loblaws. He started all those President's choice lines and brought Cott's black cherry to loblaws under the President's choice label. Because of black cherry, I had to love Dave Nichol. Since I'd moved to Toronto I'd looked high and low for Cott's black cherry. The Cott's label was prevalent but not Black Cherry until Dave changed all that.

Any way because of that, I'd read any article written about Dave Nichol. The business media was pretty bitchy when it came to Dave Nichol. They didn't see his vision and basically happily called him a copy cat. Hello, isn't that what Pepsi and Coke do?
In one article about him, I learned that he got up between 4 and 5:30am every single day. At the time I thought, "that's crazy, who can get up that early? It's still dark out!" But eventually it was something I was able to do.
Wow, I forgot about my Dave Nichol's days. I actually saw him one day when I was working at Harbourfront as he was coming out of the Cott's office at the Queen's Quay Terminal. We said hello to each other but I never did find the guts to tell him that I found him and his career inspiring.

On Wednesday, I was listening to my Wayne Dyer Cd's and he talks about rising between 3am and 6am as part of a spiritual practice. Hmm, from CEO's to Spiritual leaders and one little writer. ha ha!

Yesterday a girlfriend emailed me Jim Citrin's article about getting up early from the yahoo finance section that shows how other CEO's use their early mornings and I post it here: (click the Rise and Shine title to go to the actual Yahoo page and read some of the bitter comments - they're funny)

Tapping the Power of Your Morning Routine by Jim Citrin

Posted on Tuesday, January 30, 2007, 3:00AM

How disciplined are you about your early-morning routine?

If you want to maximize your success while achieving the best possible balance in your life, you may want to take a fresh look at what time you wake up and what you do with your time before getting to the office.

A Wakeup Call

Last week, I contacted some of the business leaders I greatly admire and inquired about their early-morning schedules.

Specifically, I asked 20 CEOs and top executives what time they wake up, when they have their first cup of coffee, when they start on email, what if anything they do for exercise, what time they leave for the office, and what else they do before walking out the door.

I heard back from half a dozen of them within 10 minutes, and, in a matter of a few hours, I received answers from a total of 17 out of the 20 -- a response rate that would be the envy of any market researcher.

It didn't take long for the patterns to emerge. Based on an analysis of the executives' schedules and activities, I discovered seven practices you should seriously consider adopting in order to make the most of your morning.

1 Start early.

This is the part of your morning routine over which you have the greatest control. To fit it all in, it's a must to start early. The latest any of the surveyed executives wake up is 6 a.m., and almost 80 percent wake up at 5:30 or earlier.

The early-bird-gets-the-worm award goes to Padmasree Warrior, chief technology officer for Motorola, who rises at 4:30 a.m., spends an hour on email, reads most of the news online, and then does an hour of either cardio or resistance training each morning. This allows her to get her son ready for school and drop him off, and still get to work by 8 or 8:30 in the morning.

2 Get a jump on email.

If you think you're alone in feeling overwhelmed by email, take comfort: even top CEOs and the most senior executives feel compelled to stay on top of their email, and most of them find time in the early morning to do so.

Ursula Burns, the No. 2 executive at technology giant Xerox, says, "I do email from the minute I get up [5:15 a.m.] and all day long, finishing around midnight." Haim Saban, chairman and CEO of investment firm Saban Capital Group, starts email right after his first cup of coffee "at 6:02 a.m." and works on it for about an hour before his 75-minute morning exercise regimen.

Lou D'Ambrosio, chief executive officer at telecommunications equipment leader Avaya Communications, is "on email literally within one minute after waking up. I spend about an hour at home in the morning doing email to jump-start the day. This allows me to have a clear mind when I set priorities for the day." Lou also does email from 10 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. at night.

Several executives wait until they get to the office before they start working on email. Matt Ouimet, president of the hotel group for Starwood Hotels & Resorts Worldwide, for example, rises at 5:30 a.m. and leaves the house at 6 a.m. to get to the office very early -- "I've always been anxious to get to work: game time" -- and responds to email undisturbed for an hour while the office is very quiet.

3 Exercise every morning.

It's often difficult to find a way to fit exercise into your busy schedule, but knowing that some of the most successful businesspeople do so might motivate you to find a way to work it into your routine.

More than 70 percent of the business leaders in my survey perform their exercise in the morning, while 15 percent find a way to do it during the day (one does it late at night before turning in). Only two of the executives admit to not exercising on a regular basis, although one said, "I know I should."

The individual who demonstrates the greatest exercise discipline is the CEO of a high-performing global technology company (I promised him anonymity so as not to blow his cover). "I exercise at lunchtime," he says. "I block the time every single day. This is because I'm a runner and that's the best time to run outside all year long."

4 Be thoughtful about the source, form, and timing of your news.

Much has been written about the demise of the newspaper, and, along those lines, about a quarter of the executives I spoke with has switched to online news. Yet most of the others maintain the morning newspaper as a central part of their routine.

Steve Reinemund, the CEO of PepsiCo, reads the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Financial Times, and the Dallas Morning News. Rafe Sagalyn, CEO of the prestigious Sagalyn Literary Agency of Bethesda, Md., blends traditional and new media. He says, "I simultaneously skim online newspapers from Boston to Los Angeles and half a dozen blogs one really has to keep up with. At about 6:30 a.m., I fetch three morning papers -- the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the Wall Street Journal."

5 Problem-solve.

The quiet of the morning is often the time when your mind is at its clearest and most well-suited to solving important problems.

Steve Murphy, CEO of publishing company Rodale, says, "A line in a William Blake poem inspired me to think differently about my day: ‘Think in the morning, act in the noon, read in the evening, and sleep at night.' This has made a huge difference in my life. Now, I take out a yellow pad every morning and write my thoughts for the day, which allows me to be much more strategic and proactive than reactive."

6 Make family time.

Many business leaders find that the morning encourages important family time. Some have breakfast with their families or make taking kids to school a central part of the morning routine.
Clayton, Dubilier & Rice managing partner Kevin Conway lingers at home when he can to help send off all three kids to school. Greg Maffei, CEO of Liberty Media Corporation, says, "I try to talk one of my kids into going outside to get the paper, but end up getting it myself. I then have breakfast with my wife and kids, help the latter get dressed, and drive the older boys to the bus stop at 7:40 a.m."

7 Be creative with your morning routine.

Despite all the discipline and structure described in the above best practices, it doesn't mean you can't be creative with your morning rituals. Gerry Laybourne, founder, chairman, and CEO of Oxygen Media, maintains a routine similar to other business leaders.

However, she adds a unique twist to her schedule: "Once or twice a week, I go for a walk in Central Park with a young person seeking my advice. This is my way of helping bring along the next generation. I can't take time at the office to do this, but doing it in the morning allows me to get exercise and stay connected with young people at the same time."

The examples cited here have led me to reassess how I structure my early-morning time, and I hope they help you in making the most of your daily routine as well.

Are You Dreaming Big Enough?

Are You Dreaming Big Enough?

by Alan Cohen

I saw a billboard prominently displaying photos of two bottles of liquor. One was a small bottle with the caption, "Regular size." The other bottle was huge, several times larger than the tiny one --its caption was, "Fantasize."

The only dreams worth entertaining are those which are far greater than the life we are already living. If we are guilty of any sin (Self-Inflicted Nonsense), it is accommodation. We hurt ourselves not by what we ask for; but by what we settle for.

When choosing a goal, be sure it is outrageous. If it is something you have already done, or think you may be able to do, you are thinking too small. Worthy dreams stretch us beyond our history and challenge our limits, calling us to live larger than we thought we were.

Here is a powerful exercise that will show you how to step into bigger shoes. On a piece of paper, write the heading, "Know I Can." Under the heading, write down three goals you are confident you can accomplish, and probably will, within a matter of time. Below that section write, "Maybe I Can." Then number 4 through 6, and write down three projects you would like to do, but wonder if you really can. These are the dreams that stretch you beyond your current boundaries, but seem within the realm of possibility. Finally, write the heading, "Outrageous," and for numbers 7 through 9, record the three most outlandish visions you can think of, the dreams that thrill you to consider, but you don't see how they could possibly happen.

The second part of the exercise requires that you read your list daily, spending about twenty seconds visualizing each goal (sixty seconds if you are inspired). Hold each image clearly in mind, and get the feeling that your objective has already been realized.

The exercise becomes even more fun as you check off each goal when it is accomplished. Your visioning will be met with miracles and support from the universe through avenues you could never have predicted. As you complete checking off the first group, the second group will slide up to a higher level of possibility; the "Maybe I Can" section will become the "Know I Can." Your excitement will further increase when the third group ascends to become the second; somehow the "Outrageous" becomes "Maybe I Can," and before too long, "Know I Can." Then you can add more to your "Maybe I Can" and "Outrageous" lists and watch them slide up like credits rolling at the end of a movie. Your only job is to stay focused, keep visualizing, and remain open to receive more than you once thought you deserved.

A recent Amway convention centered on the theme, "Think Big-Settle for More." Life operates according to universal laws which, if you tap into them, will transport you home like a mighty stallion. Life gives us not what we struggle for, but what we allow. You can come to the ocean with a thimble, a bucket, or a tank truck, and you will take with you the volume of the container you brought.

As I was leading a guided meditation I had a vision of a great light shining down on everyone in the room. The light was the abundance of the universe, the vast love of God, replete with infinite good and blessings. In the vision each person was sitting with a basket in his or her lap; some held tiny baskets, and others had huge ones. Those with small baskets were receiving a little, and those with huge baskets were receiving a lot. All was offered to all, and each gathered as much as they were willing to hold.

William Blake boldly declared, "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or else what's a heaven for?"

Outrageous goals are valuable because they expand your belief system and carve wider neural pathways in your brain, by which your good may be delivered to you. Even if you do not achieve your highest goal immediately, you will attain far more than you would have if you entertained a smaller dream. "I used to shoot for the moon, and I hit the mountains; now I shoot for the stars, and I'm hitting the moon."

Be humble enough to admit that you don't see your highest possibilities, yet powerful enough to accept God's vision of your potential. Even our most exalted insights glimpse but a tiny portion of the big picture. In 1949, an issue of Popular Mechanics magazine featured an article by the expert on the then-new field of computers. He predicted that "by the end of the century, computers may weigh as little as 1.5 tons." I am now writing on a laptop computer that weighs 6 pounds-one five hundredth the size he predicted! The most exalted visionary of his time erred by a factor of 500! Imagine that the good you can receive is 500 hundred times more wonderful than you can imagine, and you will be taking your first step toward thinking for yourself as God thinks for you.

Alan Cohen is the author of the bestselling The Dragon Doesn't Live Here Anymore.

Copyright © 1997 by Alan Cohen
All rights reserved. Inquiries should be addressed to
Hay House, P.O. Box 5100, Carlsbad, CA 92018

22 January 2007

Using Frustration

Monday 6:45pm 22Jan07

I've gone into week two of being plagued by constant frustrations. This is usually the point when I leave, disappear out of people's lives never to be heard from again. But I'm tired of running. I'm tired of fighting all the battles or even choosing my battles. The whole drama is too exhausting.

It's taken me a full two weeks to get my energy level back from being sick from a cold/stomach flu combo. The good thing about that is I had to approach the frustrations from a different angle. Instead of fighting it off with words, speaking up about the injustice of it all, I've had to stew in my thoughts.

I've got goals I want to work on, things I want to do with my life. I can't keep my focus on my goals if I'm caught in the mire of frustrations.

I came home one night last week and freeflowed for an hour, my nightly ritual to cleanse my mind of the residual junk or frustration or stress that I may carry home with me that keeps me from writing. In the midst of the mind cleanse, I wrote that the frustrations were there to push me foreward with my goals. They are messages telling me to work diligently on my goals rather than running away which has been my modus operandi my whole adult life.
I lived the motto, "If you don't like it, walk away."
Not these days. These days, although I haven't found a clear motto, my mottos has something to do with not getting too complacent. Don't be too comfortable but know that I'm in the perfect place, the perfect situation to serve my purpose.

Yeah, my frustrations are God's way of telling me to keep focused on my goals.

What do your frustrations mean to you?


05 January 2007

Glory Glory!

Friday 9:46pm 5Jan07

There's an affirmation that I know I have written somewhere but can't find it right now. But basically it alludes to us being in the right place right now. Whatever situations we are in are perfect for what we need to do, for the dreams we plan to realize, for the lessons we need to learn.

I'm really feeling that this evening. It's Friday and normally I'd be in bed by now after a week of work I'm normally wiped. The whole thing of being around so many people and being on all the time usually wears me out by Friday. Like an old girl I'm conked out before 10pm.

I've been focusing on three things as of late. I've been working towards writing 21 hours a week. I've been getting up everyday as close to 4am as much as possible (it's been more around 4:30am which isn't too shabby in the grand scheme of goals) and I've been working on pushing my daily walking from 10,000 steps a day to 15,000 steps. I'm hitting about 14,000 steps most days and more on others.

The results this week have been taking form. Moving me in the forward direction. I've been writing at least 1.5 hours a day with a couple days hitting 2.5 hours (I'm still trying to get to 3 hours a day). I've been getting up at 4:30am basically because I don't always hear my alarm at 4am but always hear my stereo at 4:30am. And with the walking, I've been either leaving a half hour earlier before work or walking longer after work before I come home.

My 4:30am rise does such a great thing for my state of mind. I'm focusing on my goals first and foremost. Making my dreams a priority before I set out for a day of work (realizing other peoples goals) keeps me in good stead to make it through the inevitable frustrations of the day. Pushing myself to write every single day helps me to prove to myself that I'm serious about realizing my goals.

It's funny, I've only told a couple people about my writing goal and one person made a comment, "Wow, That's an ambitious goal," in that tone of voice. Yeah Skippy, it's an ambitious goal and I'm not getting younger as the years pass by. Oh and neither are you, or hadn't you noticed? And the walking is to give my lazy ass the energy to work on that 'ambitious goal' combined with making it through each work day.

Back to that comment about being in the right place right now and all that... I've been thinking about the men (boys?) that were in my life that I had to wipe completely out of my life. Their confusion causing behaviours were too time consuming for one and I discovered that there is a reason for me being single right now. I need all the time I can fit in to the work on my goals and a confusing man just takes my focus away from that.

If a man can't just show his interest without a lot of game playing and strange bullshit, he's not interested enough and at no time will that relationship change, it will only get worse. You can justify anyone's bad behaviour but you'll still keep getting bad behaviour. Bottom line. They were cute, but they weren't Gods. 6'5" built like a brick shit house, now that's a God! If I'm going to have my time consumed, let it be with a God! Here here!

I'm 42 years old soon to be 43. I don't know if I'm going to live for another year or if I'll live into my 80's or if I'll make it to a hundred with all my mental faculties in tact (touch wood). I've really hit my wall of mortality and there are things I want to do with my life before I die. And I'm not interested in sharing that time with people who only want to talk about themselves or tell me about their projects but have no genuine interest in mine except to find an opportunity to criticize me. Or ask me how I am and in the midst of telling them they cut me off because they are reminded about some more information about themselves. My ears are closed to you. I've got bigger and better things on the front and back burners.

I've been the go to girl for my whole life and all it's done was to let my life slip by while others ran off and lived theirs only to come running back when in crisis. If you're in crisis, go see a therapist. They're paid to listen. They're professionals. They do it during business hours. IT IS NOT MY JOB TO HEAL THE FUCKING WORLD! It's not my job.

I'm finally getting it. I've finally realized how much better I feel by putting myself first in my life. If I have anything healing to say, it's to tell you to go and put yourself first in your life.

And for my little friend who hasn't found a new job yet, but will soon, and reads me daily (have I told you I love you?) just remember that you too are in the right place right now, we all are. What do you need to do while you're in this place, if there is a purpose for you being here? I ask only because I want you to feel better in your moment of feeling stuck.


02 January 2007

Tarot Your Year

I tried this ritual on December 31st, it was enlightening...

From Beverlee at astrologybybeverlee (Click the title to access her web site)

As one year comes to a close one cycle ends and another cycle begins to unfold. So I'd like to offer you a ritual to perform as you mark the passing of one year--2006 and the beginning of another--2007.

You'll need a Tarot Deck to perform this ritual.

New Year's Tarot Meditation

To begin, find a quiet spot where you will not be disturbed, seat yourself comfortably and take a deep breath. Now just exhale the year that is ending. Better yet, take in a deep breath for each month and exhale the closing year a month at a time. While you are exhaling, you might like to visualize a calendar and its pages—starting with January—being exhaled out into the Universe. If there is something special that you want to let go of that occurred in one of these months, visualize it moving away from you off into the distance and into the Universe, leaving you forever.

When you complete this visualization you should be feeling much lighter and ready to prepare for the beautiful New Year that awaits you. Now you're ready to begin the Tarot Meditation that will reveal your expectations, wishes and possibilities for the New Year.

This Tarot Meditation is designed to correspond to the Lunar Phases with which we have become so familiar as we've worked together with them over the past few years. You'll begin by shuffling your Tarot Deck to imbue it with your energy. Then you're going to cut the deck towards you with your left hand and draw nine cards.

The first card you draw will be the Creator. Place it in the center of the circle. This card symbolizes your highest potential for the coming year. It shows how you will be connected to your "Great I Am" throughout the year.

The second card you draw represents you and the new beginnings you are committed to making in the coming year. You may use this card for visualization for the entire year because it symbolizes what you are in the process of becoming. This card also symbolizes the New Moon—beginnings. Place this card in the Eastern part of your circle.

The third card you draw represents what you must build and work on in the coming year in order to be successful. It correlates to the Crescent Phase. Place this card in the South Eastern part of the circle.

The fourth card represents what you have to step out and try in the New Year so that you will feel like you are doing something that is expressing your individuality. It symbolizes the First Quarter Phase of the Moon. Place this card in the Southern part of the circle.

The fifth card represents your inner child and what it is seeking in the way of creativity and fun for the New Year. This card can also have a great deal to do with your work and how you plan to make it a pleasurable experience. It embodies the Gibbous Phase of the Moon. Place this card in the South Western part of the circle.

The sixth card you draw represents your shadow issue and what you must learn this year in order to have a good relationship with others. It also represents the Full Phase of the Cycle. Place this card in the Western part of the wheel.

The seventh card represents what you have to give out unconditionally all year long in order to stay in balance and receive abundance. This ties in with the Disseminating Phase. Place this card in the North Western part of the wheel.

The eighth card represents your power for the New Year. This is your goal—what you can achieve when all of the other cards are balanced. This corresponds to the Last Quarter Phase of the Cycle. Place this card in the Northern position of the wheel.

The ninth card represents what you will be letting go of in the New Year. It also symbolizes the part of you that needs rest and healing. This is your spiritual program for the New Year. You can think of it as your retreat card. It's similar to the Balsamic Phase of the Moon. Place it in the North East position in the wheel.

Now it's time to read the descriptions for each of the cards you have drawn in the book or booklet that accompanies your Tarot Deck. You will be amazed by how they describe what's going on with you both on an inner and outer level. Write down the description for each of the cards you have drawn. You will want to refer to them during the year to see whether you are on track with the Grand Design of your life, because each of them mirrors your intention for the coming year.