30 April 2006

Favorites and Ramblings

30April06 Sunday 5:15pm

Favorite Theatre Company

I've seen all but maybe two productions. My all time favorite
production is The Stronger which inspired my idea for a novel in
research mode titled The Fold (3019)

Theatre Rusticle link

See a show and then consider donating money for more brilliantly
inspiring thought provoking productions. I do!

Favorite Yearly Event
The International Festival of Authors
I'm buying a patron membership this year in order to be able to attend every possible interview, and round table discussion I can get myself to. And I'm taking the week off work.
International Festival of Authors link

My Obsessions
The Olympics

Most People Think
I'm extroverted when I'm really introverted. I'm only extroverted when
I'm comfortable with the people I'm with.

Most People Don't Realize
I don't take or ask for advice. I just want someone to listen but many people think that is a cue to tell me what they think I should do. They also don't know that I will always do what I want to do not what they think I should do.

My Prince Quirk
I only ever listen to his newest album once. I play his older stuff more frequently and save his newer music for when I feel a need for new Prince music. I always want to feel like I have something new of his to listen to.

My Take on Christmas

I was like most children that always looked forward to Christmas. Each
year after all the hyped up excitement something inevitably went wrong.
If it wasn't my alcoholic father destroying the Christmas tree and
smashing all the presents it was my step father flipping out for some
imagined wrong doing. Of course not every single Christmas was shitty
but enough of them were to cause me anxious misgivings. If I could I
would go to a tropical island and drink some fruity drinks and work on
a tan that I don't need.

For most of my adult years I've spent Christmas as the add on at
someone's house. I was the orphan that had to be grateful for being
included in on the festivities when all I wanted to do was stay home
and bury my head until the 26th of December. People don't want to hear
about you being alone on Christmas. They think it's depressing and if
they had the guts to say it out loud, pathetic. So for years I was
someones guest. I had to sit through the torture of watching them open
all the presents they received and worse would have to feign happiness
and excitement I didn't feel. It was like being the only kid who didn't
get cake in a classroom of kids who did. No body is interested in
seeing that. Yeah sure, the spirit of Christmas isn't about getting
presents until you have to watch your friends opening three hundred of
them. Ask me if I feel like a loser?

Then something changed.

One year on my walk home from work, I went to the dollar store and
bought a 12 inch Christmas Tree and gold decorations of angels and
stars. Then I bought some wrapping paper, a red stocking and went home.
Every day for the next two weeks, I went and bought myself some little
presents, went home, wrapped them and stuck them around the tree or in
the red stocking. I bought Prince's latest CD at the time, the Rainbow
Children, and wrapped it. Every single person that knows I love Prince
asked me, "How's Prince's new album?"

I had to say that I didn't know because I bought it as a Christmas
present and couldn't unwrap it until Christmas. As I explained that in
my quest to enjoy Christmas that I bought myself presents and wrapped
them most of my friends looked at me like I was nuts.

"Why bother?" they asked, "You already know what you're getting since
you bought them."

I explained that I was even more excited because I knew what I got and
I had to wait to enjoy them. I had never been this excited about
Christmas when I was a kid.

On Christmas day I cooked my own turkey with italian sausage stuffing,
mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce (homemade). I also made a prime rib
roast, rice and veggies. For dinner I had two plates of food: One with
the turkey and the fixin's and the other with the roast beef and mashed
potatoes. Two types of gravy equals two different plates of food. And
wine! I had such a wonderful time that it has become my Christmas
People still try to insist that I can't spend Christmas alone and I
say, "I learned to love Christmas by spending it alone!"

Okay off to do some rollerblading. Been invited for a BBQ at Hugs and
Cinnabon's house. Two of the nicest people I know. I decided to
nickname them Hugs and Cinnabon...

Living an Inspired Life 2

Sunday 3:27pm 30Apr06

I watched Wayne Dyer's latest PBS special recently. It was part of his
new book Inspiration - Your Ultimate Calling. I got into him two years
ago when he did the Power of Intention. I ultimately bought the book
and all the Cd packages that went with it.

The viewing of his chat on inspiration reminded me about how I used to
look for and find inspiration everywhere. Back in the days when I liked
myself more and was more emotionally heallthy. ha ha. But seriously I
used to have a more upbeat look on life and then it plummeted for a
very long time. Part of the subsequent plummeting was that I started
focusing on the wrong things, for my sanity anyway.

Since watching his program, I've been doing a few little things for
inspirations sake. One of the things is getting up when I wake up way
too early and writing down random thoughts in my journal. Enjoying the
silent peace of 4am in my apartment building when my downstairs
neighbours aren't banging their renovation and my upstairs neighbour Mr
Heavyfoot AKA Fe Fi Fo Fum isn't stomping around like he weighs two
tons when he is actually quite small. Why is it that some people walk
so damn hard when they live in apartments? Do you really think you are
the only one in the world? Do I really have to go up and knock on your
apartment and show you how to walk lightly? The thing is I've already
spoken to him about it and he apologized all shamefaced and has since
continued to walk like he's the Giant after Jack in the beanstalk. But
I digress...

Inspiration? What has inspired me lately? There was an article in the
Toronto Star recently about a man that rented out Roy Thomson Hall
after re-mortgaging his house. He rented it because he's always wanted
to get on stage and sing in front of an audience. The guy did it and
sold it out too. It was his lifelong dream. He put his money where his
mouth was and did it.

My second piece of inspiration came from the documentary that was on
A&E last night called The man who predicted 9/11. Rick was the head of
security for Morgan Stanley and got out all of the Morgan Stanley
employees safely except for 6 people. He also died in the tragedy. Now
dying in a tragedy isn't necessarily inspiring but this guy was the
type of person whose calling was to save people. In the documentary his
biographer said that when Rick was in the vietnam war he was the head
of his platoon ( I don't really know what it's called but you get the
message.) In the majority of the other platoons the survival rate was
approximately 50%. 50% of the people died. In Rick's, 6-8 people died
only. And the thing about this guy was that it tormented him his whole
life that he lost those 6-8 men. Come on buddy you did a hell of a
job. But each person was important to him.

As an aside, he met and married the woman of his dreams 3 years before
he died in the World Trade Centre attacks.

From the get go, he was looking for ways that the centres could be
attacked. he brought in his army buddies and asked for their advice.
One friend said that the best way to attack was with a bomb in a van.
Rick tried to forewarn the Port Authority, the people that owned/ran
the buildings and they nodded their heads, smiled and waved him away.
They believed in him more after the 1993 bombing attack that went
exactly as his friend predicted.

After that, he brought the same friend back and the friend said that
the next time could only be from the air. Rick, believing that there
would be another attack first tried to convince the Morgan Stanley
people to move to another building. When that didn't work, he started
regular evacuation alerts. Every three months whether you were in a
meeting, in the bathroom, on a long distance phone call, you had to
drop what you were doing and leave the building on Rick's say so. The
employees now say that that vigilance was what ultimately got them out
alive. Of 2700 employees, 6 people didn't make it out alive.

One of the big executives saw Rick before he left the building and told
him, "You need to get out too Rick."
But Rick stayed in to help the EMS workers rescue the other people in
the building. An impossible feat as we all know. As a character that
would be what would drive the story that this man cannot bear to lose
people in his care.

Every one who spoke about him said, "He would have been a hero if he'd
left the building after he got the Morgan Stanley employees out."
He would have been a hero but he still would have been tormented by the
lives lost. He died doing what he believed in. An inspiring man...

Living an Inspired Life

Sunday 12:40pm 30Apr06

If every single person spent time only where he accomplished the
greatest good for himself and the person he was with, the world would
change in a day. It is important to spend time in ways that promote
your highest good. If something is not for your highest good, I can
guarantee that it is not for the highest good of the planet or others
You may ask, what am I here to do that will bring me joy? Each one of
you has things that you love to do. There is not one person alive who
does not have something he loves to do. Pg.21 Living with Joy - Keys
to Personal Power & Spiritual Transformation by Sanaya Roman

Imagine what we would all be like if we were doing things that were for
our highest good? What kind of attitude would I have?

When my writing was my number one priority, not too many things could
get me down. I can remember when I didn't get involved with petty
gossip and didn't care about work politics. Even nasty customers
couldn't affect me.

My saying years ago was, "If I'm noticing all the crap that's going on
then I've taken my eyes off the goal." That saying really worked for
me. I knew where I wanted to be. I'm not really sure where that all
went. I guess I lost trust in the process. I started to worry about
money. I tried to maintain many friendships and relationships like
normal people. I wanted to feel more included. I wanted to be an

I realize that I have always been an outsider, an observer. It's what
made me want to write. I've always been the one that hears information
of a too personal nature. I knew stuff about the grown ups when I was
little that no other child knew. I witnessed inappropriate and
traumatic things.
I always thought, "that's an interesting story."
I always wanted to write about it.

When I was 7 and 8 years old, my mother used to tell her guests,"I
watch how Shelley reacts to you. If there is ever a person in my house
that Shelley doesn't talk to then I just know that person isn't
trustworthy. "
I truly was an observer.

Maybe writing is indeed my higher purpose. Maybe I'm not meant to be an
insider surrounded by many friends living the overly sociable life.
It's not like trying to be an insider ever did anything for me. In my
quest to maintain friendships I made my writing secondary. I woke up to
find out that their lives kept moving forward and mine kinda stood
still. They became "busy" and I became the loser that still called
regularly living a rather ordinary existence. What the hell was I

With my depression diagnosis I had to face that my thoughts put me
there and my thoughts would also get me out. I had to make time to
focus on what I wanted and come to terms with myself as an outsider.
I'll probably always be on the fringes, some one that doesn't totally
fit in. I am the product of that little girl that went to a new school
every year. Although I have lifelong friends, there is most likely
going to be a revolving door of acquaintances. Is that bad? Do I really
need to feel like I'm in the center of some great big community that I
can turn to? How much of this living have I done by myself anyway?

With the wrong friends comes the influence that makes me want to keep
up with the Joneses when that's not even my personality type. I don't
want to live in a condo. I've never been interested in owning a house.
As long as I have the things that I need, I could care less where I
live. Being an insider puts me in line for the lectures on why I should
want more of what they have. Why I shouldn't be single. Why I should
feel inferior because I'm not pretty enough, rich enough, quiet enough,
loved enough and all the judgements that I never paid attention to when
I kept my eyes on the goal -- being a writer. Plus my real friends
would never make me feel like that.

My higher purpose is my writing. My gift is my writing. It's a gift to
people who want to escape. People who want to survive. People who want
to be inspired. People who want to learn something about how others
live, love and whatever else I want to make it. My writing has to be my
priority, my focus, taking me step by step by step to my highest good.
It's the only time I've ever truly been happy within my life.

Wayne Dyer calls it living an inspired life. I want to feel good. I
want to live an inspired life and dammit I'm going to do that starting
today. ha ha

Well my above thoughts are more than a little rambling but a start on
the focus of what I want for the EY Page. Writing2live. Living an
inspired life. Living my dreams. My mistakes in the process and past
failures in my mind. What I've learned and what works for me now. Who
says I know anything anyway?

24 April 2006

Oma's Advice

Monday 24Apr06 10pm

I always believed I would marry. My dream was to have three children -
two boys because I really like boys and a daughter as a middle child
because every woman should have a daughter. I wanted her as the middle
child so she wouldn't really suffer from middle child syndrome
sandwiched between two boys. The older boy would be special because he
was the first boy and the youngest boy would be special because he was
the baby. I had it all figured out.

Now at 42 years old and no biological clock to speak of, I believe I
may eventually live with someone and children are not in the cards
unless I adopt. I still wish I made enough money to adopt Justin ( a
child I worked with when I was a Child and Youth Worker) 13 years ago.
Justin is 25 years old now and I've lost track of him.

As a child when I said I wanted to be a writer my family told me that
it was a nice hobby but I needed to choose a career. I've wandered
aimlessly trying to find a career that could support my writing hobby.
Through the stress of dysfunctional co-workers and often borderline
abusive bosses I'd nearly given up on my dream. People, friends, family
members, will tell you things to help you to avoid the pain they've
lived through. They tell you things because they love you. Most times
they are best to follow their own advice and stay the heck out of your

My mother always wanted to be a country singer like Charley Pride
(first African American to play the Grand Ole Opry). I know she wanted
me to be financially secure. She couldn't have known that I would feel
broken, not knowing what I wanted to do other than writing of course.

My Oma (Dutch for Grand mother) was the only adult that liked that I
wanted to be a writer and she encouraged my dream. She gave me my first
writing magazine at the time called, "Canadian, Author and Bookman."
She told me that she had to give up her dream to be a housewife and
care for her husband and children. There was a sigh that said that
despite the joy her children and grandchildren gave her , if things
were different, things would be different.

With her biological grand children she always encouraged marriage. The
discussions were about what jewelery would be passed down to them prior
to their weddings. She encouraged me, on the other hand, to wait until
later in life before I got married. There was more than enough time.
"You don't want to give up your dreams because of a man."

Considering how old fashioned her beliefs were her advice to me was
like she could see into my future. I was going to be a late bloomer or
better yet I was going to follow my own self imposed norm. I never
could understand the expectation that a woman should be a constant
follower to her husband's every whim. I couldn't understand how a woman
had to subtly manipulate a man into believing that he had come up with
an idea that she had actually come up with. All those games were tiring
to me. I couldn't stand that my brother got special privileges because
he was a boy there was no way that I was going to live with a man who
made all the decisions.

Had I married young I probably would have given up on writing
altogether. Had I started out as a writer without the multitude of jobs
and experiences I've had I definitely wouldn't have the ideas I have

Favorite Books

Monday 24April06 9:12pm

Favourite Books to Re-read:
The Color Purple by Alice Walker

The Third Life of Grange Copeland by Alice Walker

Five Smooth Stones by Ann Fairbairn

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Favourite Writing Handbooks
Writing the Natural Way by Gabrielle Lusser Rico

Writing Down the Bones by Nathalie Goldberg

Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury

The Weekend Novelist by Robert J. Ray

30 Ways to Help You Write by Fran Weber Shaw (out of print but can buy it through
Abe Books link

Wild Mind by Nathalie Goldberg

Favourite Inspirational Books

Creating Money by Sanaya Roman
Living with Joy by Sanaya Roman
Personal Power Through Awareness by Sanaya Roman
Sanaya Roman link

The Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer

Ask and It is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks
Esther and Jerry Hicks link

Seth Book 1,2 & 3 by Esther and Jerry Hicks

Conversation with God Books by Neale Donald Walsch

23 April 2006

Books - What I'm Reading

Sunday 23April06 10:17pm

The Circle - How the power of a single wish can change your life - By
Laura Day

On The Breath Of The Gods by Ariel Tomioka
- research for novel in progress tentatively titled The Fold (3019)

The Uses of Enchantment - The meaning and importance of Fairy Tales -
by Bruno Bettelheim
Dreamways of the Iroquois - honoring the secret wishes of the soul - by
Robert Moss
- both books - research for novel in progress tentatively titled
Dreamweaver (Life's Miracles)

For General Writing
Writing Fiction - A guide to Narrative Craft - by Janet Burroway
Setting by Jack M. Bickham

I always have a few books on the go.

Disappearing Acts

Sunday 23April06 9:28pm
I feel restless. I feel like I could pick up and leave without a word.
I've been sleeping too much and my energy level is just above zero. If
I could, I'd sleep until this malaise went away. It could be a low
grade depression or just a throw back.

I've always had this element of my character, a need to run away,
disappear. It's something that comes up periodically whether I have
problems, conflicts or not. It's a throwback to my childhood, the
running away from my father. The only consistency was the knowledge
that my mother, brother and I would be moving soon - no matter where we
lived. We never stayed in one place for too long after we left my
violent father.

I went to three different elementary schools when I was in grade three
because we moved three times not including the times we moved outside
of the school year. In one of the schools I even told my teacher and
classmates that they could call me Lynne because there were two other
Shelley's in my class.

My mother was pissed that I would volunteer to be the one that changed.
I didn't understand her anger. It wasn't like I could describe what
home was since it changed so frequently and with almost clock like
regularity. What difference did it make if people called me Shelley or

I went from a personable outgoing little girl who had the same friends
in Kindergarten, Grade One, and Grade Two to an introverted person just
shy of developing a stutter. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone. I
was the turtle sticking its soft fleshy head into its hard shell at the
first sign of danger. I knew it was dangerous to answer personal
questions. It was dangerous to get too comfortable or too close because
in time I would disappear forever from their lives. I discovered early
that solitaire was the game I'd have to play.

The benefit of the constant moves was the guarantee that should a
problem arise with a classmate I wouldn't have to worry about making
amends or worse tolerate a mean child who punished me for some imagined
wrong doing.

In my third school in grade three, I had a crush on Andy, the cutest
boy in the class. he was always friendly and sometimes walked part of
the way home with me because we walked in the same direction.

Sunita, another classmate, called me at home one evening to tell me
that she believed that Andy had a crush on me too. I couldn't believe
it. Sunita convinced me that, "he always talks to you, he walks home
with you after school."

She had me. She added a few more juvenile instances of why I should
believe. She promised me that she would talk to him, tell him that I
liked him and from here on in I'd be the envy of all the girls in our

The next day I walked into the school yard giddy with anticipation. I
waved to Sunita. She elbowed Andy and pointed my way. Andy looked at me
and made a face as if just by looking at me he could smell shit. The
anticipation changed to a need to flee. I think I went home sick that
day. When I found the courage days later I told Sunita that it didn't
matter what Andy thought of me because I was moving anyway.

That lie circulated my class before the day was out and even made it
back to my mother as a note from my teacher in my report card, two
months later, at the end of the school year. My teacher wrote about how
much she enjoyed having me in her class and knew I would be well liked
at my new school where ever I moved to.

"Why did you tell them we're moving when we're not?" My mother asked.

I shrugged my shoulders too embarrassed to say. By the beginning of
grade four we lived in a new apartment and I started yet another new

I notice that today both my brother and I have a shared rootlessness
and lack of commitment. I've improved, mind you. I've lived in the same
apartment now for 15 years. But every so often I'm overwhelmingly
restless and if I didn't have quite as large a collection of books and
music I'd slip away, disappear out of people's lives and call myself

Late Bloomers

A woman I've worked with for ten years at my part-time job has handed
in her resignation. She was called a lifer by many because no one
could ever foresee her leaving her position. In a week she'll be
walking off into the sunshine of the possibilities of a newer and
better job with better pay and opportunities to travel.

It's funny how life works sometimes. People see someone in a job for a
long time and they can't see the possibility of that person leaving.
People see someone as being consistently single and they see that
person with pity and that ever unspoken question of, "what's wrong with
her that she can't get a man?"

It's hard to be a late bloomer, you know, one of those people that
doesn't get married young or never moves in with her first serious
boyfriend. Most people can't see past what your life looks like right
now. Is it a lack of imagination or belief? I don't know how many times
I've endured that question, "Have you met anyone yet?"

And if the answer is no, there is that pitying silence, that
implication that there is something wrong with me because I haven't
walked down the street and run into the one like some kind of freak

It's interesting because often the people that are asking the same old
tired question are in unhappy relationships. After they've let me stew
in the uncomfortable silence of almost making me feel obligated to
justify my singleness they'll turn around and say, "Sometimes it's
better not being in a relationship."

If you really believe that then why do you keep asking me if I've met
someone yet? I meet lots of someone's but it doesn't mean i want to
take it much further than that.

Of all the men I've dated through out my dateable years I couldn't see
myself with all that I know today, remaining with any of them. Should I
really have stayed with one of them so I wouldn't have to be single? I
honestly don't think so. I'd either have an ulcer or a rash all over my
body. If I have too many sleepless nights, develop a mysterious rash or
can't keep my food down repeatedly I look for what in my life is
causing my psychosomatic sickness. And dump the guy. But that's just

I had a chat recently with a friend who has basically left his marriage
except he's forgotten to tell his wife. He's afraid to say that he
wants to break up because of the possibility of a messy divorce. I
would hate to be in that relationship. I would hate to think that the
man lying beside me doesn't want to be lying beside me but is too
scared to leave because he doesn't want the messyness that can come
with endings. But with endings comes the inevitable beginning.

He's a gorgeous guy too fully trained by his wife to be sensitive to
women's needs. ha ha! I'd date him if he was single.

Maybe the man I'm supposed to meet is still shaking like a fraidy cat
too scared to leave what he's got. How many people do you know that are
in relationships that they should have left eons ago?

Maybe the so-called single problem is like the economy. The more people
spend the better the economy is. The more people get out of stale
relationships and take the chance on being single the better the
options. You never know.

In the meantime, my work friend starts her new job in just over a week.
I told her, "you're life is going to change drastically and for the
better." In a few years all the naysayers will forget that they called
her a lifer and they'll still be sitting at that same job talking about
someone else. I cheer her with happy envy knowing that another late
bloomer has proven them all wrong.

13 April 2006

National Novel Writing Month in November of each year

I just realized that I finally had a use for this image. If you are a writer and you have balls of steel check out http://www.nanowrimo.org
before November.

09 April 2006

My Mother's Presence

More and more I feel my mother's presence. As I wash the dishes or prepare a meal I feel close to being able to see through her eyes or what it might have been like to see through her eyes. I understand her more when I can compare my life to hers.

I understand why she would stay with my step-father even though I hated him: It's hard being alone. It's hard to be the strong one all the time. It's hard to be always focused on bills and work and what direction I want my life to move in and having it together. It's hard to want a loving companion on the wheel of life and feel a suitable candidate isn't in the shadows. It's hard to sleep alone when I want the smell of that one strong man beside me. Those days that I want to admire a man's physique before I touch him can't always be alleviated by going to sleep.

Imagine going through all that as a single mother? That's why she stayed with my step-father.

I always believed that she could do it on her own but she just plain didn't want to. Unfortunately the man she chose didn't have the ability to be a full fledged companion.

That is my biggest relationship fear, to be with someone who hasn't the capability to love me fully. I fear that I will give myself to one person who will ultimately betray me in the worst of public humiliations.

I've never felt as lonely as I've felt in relationships although I did learn my own capabilities. With Jeff, I learned that I could forgive if I believe that love was real and that everybody makes mistakes. With Kevin, I learned that I could be the sex kitten in the bedroom and an intellectual equal in the daylight. I also learned that I could survive the crushing heartbreak of losing the man I thought I could marry. The recovery time took me five years, mind you. With Jerome, I learned that I could wait for a man to sew his wild oats. I waited long enough too until I discovered that those wild oats had multiplied exponentially like weeds that thrive the moment you pull them out. But after Jerome I was blessed with Kevin.

In my rush to be an independent woman seemingly unlike my mother I discover that I want that one man I can depend on. I want that unspoken love that is comfortable, sexy, fun and reassuring. My mother settled for as close to it as she believed she could get or more closely what she believed she deserved.

How close to it - to what we want - can we reasonably expect?


Confessional Sundays

Sunday 9April06 7:27pm

In search of topics for my blog I figure today will be Confessional
Sunday. My true confession?
I am an informercial junkie. I discovered this purely by accident. We
were having a conversation at work recently and when I listed off all
the products I've purchased off infomercials I had no choice but to
surmise that I had the addiction condition.
I am an informercial, "if I just buy this one product my life will be
perfect," junkie.
I own an Urban Rebounder, Winsor Pilates, Tae Bo, Core Secrets, the
Magic Bullit and Tony Robbins Personal Power. I'd have the Raised Aero
Bed if it wasn't so expensive. I still want the "Set it and Forget it,"
Yes folks, I'm an infomercial junkie. I admit to it, in three easy

01 April 2006

April Fool

1Apr06 9:57pm

I got my only April Fools joke provided by google.com, if you can
believe it. While in my gmail account I saw a link to some new romance
thing that google was starting. I don't even know why I checked it out
because I'm not exactly the person to try matchmaking via the internet
but because I was at my part-time job not doing much I decided that I'd
goof around. I took the tour of <a
href="http://www.google.com/romance//"> http://www.google.com/romance/
</a> and decided to click one of the links about , "if you're date
doesn't work out click here" and of course that's when I found out that
google had done an elaborate April Fool's joke. Too funny! And it
wasn't their first time. Now I'll have to remember that for next year
and try to find out what their joke is.

A short day at work today. I walked home because I'm trying to move
more and lose a few of those winter pounds. ha! Being that it's a
Saturday, I had the big plan to do my laundry because most people go
out on Saturday but much to my chagrin every freakin' tenant has
learned that it's the best time to do your laundry in this apartment
building. So, I had to do one load at a time. The benefit is that I
walked up and down four flights of stairs about 8 times so it was
another built in work out.

Now I'm just limin' listening to music and enjoying my fate.
tee hee hee!

It's just nice not to be stressed out, arguing with a boyfriend, or
worrying about any little thing that can pop into a person's mind in
any given moment. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

Wednesday night I went out for a drink with one of my work mates. How
is it that these things start off so innocently? W invited Ted and Jeff
out as well. Jeff, who I'd never met before, was very personable. We
hit it off like a house on fire. We talked about all sorts of stuff,
general and personal. Cracked eachother up and the whole nine. We got
into a discussion of what attracts us to subsequent romantic liasons.
He asked me what I looked for or what attracted me. As I am one of
those people that likes different things about different people I
wasn't readily able to say just what it is that I like. In Montreal we
call it a certain, Je ne sais quoi which means, I don't know what but
sounds better in French.

I say to Jeff as long as you are not a Capricorn. All of a sudden he's
at the other end of the bar and I most likely yelled, (because I can
get passionate - some people call it loud!) "YOU'RE A CAPRICORN!"
He nodded his head with a smile and said, "my birthday is December


Then I proceed to tell him that not only have I gone out with two
different men named Jeff they were both born on December 28th. Now how
freaky is that? They both ultimately turned out to be bad experiences.
I said it feels at times that God cracks a joke and this was one of
them. I don't always learn my lesson the first time around but I
certainly learn the second time around.

The first Jeff was a 5 year on again off again stint and having not
learned my lesson the first time and asking no one in particular (or
maybe God?) with the second Jeff, "how bad can it be the second time?"
Well, that relationship lasted a whopping two months. All I'm going to
say in case anyone actually ever comes across this bloggy EY page is
that it only lasted two months for a few reasons.
1 - I sometimes give up on people and I was worried that maybe I was
too hard on people and I should give him a chance.
2 - In the second month it was close to Christmas and it's just not
nice to dump some one at Christmas. But Christmas happened and boxing
day went by and the day before his birthday I was thinking, "I can't
have this person close to my spirit crushing me another day longer and
especially not in the New Year! I'd rather be alone. I broke up with
him the day before his birthday and can I just say, never looked back.
Of course there are bigger reasons that this but I'm not that
vindictive to blab it here. He knows what happened.

Now, I decided that this year would be more of a yes year and less of a
no year. What I mean of course is that I would say yes to trying
different things, meeting new people and getting out more outside of my
comfort zone. I have many friends that I regularly hang out with but
considering the bulk of those people are my work mates from my
full-time gig (married men) and my work mates from my part-time gig
(gay men). My chances of meeting single men that I would consider
dating are beyond slim. It's kind of hard to approach a woman who is
sitting at a table with six men. And the gay bar scene isn't conducive
for a straight woman to meet a straight man, in case you were
wondering. I get copious amounts of hugs from really attractive men and
some of them even give me their number for me to call them and let them
know when I'll be at the gay bar again, but not a date with a straight
man yet. And really, if you meet a so called straight man at a gay bar
are you going to wonder, does he swing both ways? I'm just asking!

Last week, however, I met a woman. Now it's not what you're thinking. I
went to a fund raiser for my friend A. I went with my other two gay
male friends H and J. So here I sit chatting and laughing on one of the
couches with my three gay male friends. Having a wonderful time. I
happen to look over at the other couch and there sits a woman with her
three gay male friends laughing and chatting. Our eyes meet and we both
burst out laughing.
I say, "we got to give this stuff up and go out together to a straight
bar and meet some straight men."

She agreed and we exchanged phone numbers. Let's see if we follow
through on it but it's a step in the right direction.
It's a step in the right direction.

I've spent so much of my time not focused on male/female relationships
that now I'm willing to make it more of a priority. Not still a top
priority but making myself more available for the possibility. In some
ways I really want to meet that one person that I can talk to and have
fun with and share my life with. I do have a lot to offer someone and
I'm a to the wall loyal type of person but I've come to realize that
not just anyone fits that bill. Just because someone is nice doesn't
mean he's faithful etc etc ad nauseum...

One thing I like in a relationship which to me is like my many
friendships is the ability to go to a party and be off in a
conversation with other people while my significant other is off in a
conversation with completely different people and in the midst of
talking our eyes meet across the room and there is a wink, a smile, a
kiss blown in the air, some sort of contact. I had that in one
relationship with Kevin. Every so often I'd go and get him a beer and
walk up to him, not interrupt his conversation, take his empty, slip
the full bottle into his hand and walk back to whoever else I was
talking to. He always commented on how much he loved that. Especially
since he always paid for everything, I think it was nice for him to
have his girlfriend pay and not just wait for him to open his wallet.
He reciprocated by coming and grabbing me away from my conversation to
dance to a song that he knew I liked.

We never felt that we had to be joined at the hip and yet we always had
built in time that we shared together to enjoy ourselves.

I also like a man that can find things to occupy his time while I'm
writing. There's nothing better than having a man's presence without
feeling like I have to give him my undivided attention. I write, he
reads a book, draws, does the dishes (whatever) and I work on my
writing. Every so often I stop to get a kiss or say something that
cracks us both up and I go back to my words. It's a reassuring feeling
and makes writing less of a solitary pursuit. I love the solitary but I
really love a low maintenance companion in my solitary. You dig?

I can remember growing up and my step father would get so pissed off if
my mom was sitting in the kitchen with me and not in the living room
watching television with him. She was in the house for crying out loud.
Why would any one want to watch television only because their partner
is? It seems ridiculous to me. Maybe it's just me. I do know many
couples that have to watch t.v. together.

One of the good things with 'Jeff Dec 28th lasted two months' was that
in the mornings I would read whatever book I was currently on and he
would do his crossword puzzle from the daily star. To me that was
quality time. If either of us wanted to talk, we'd say something and if
we didn't we wouldn't.

Who knows what will happen but this year is more of a yes year and less
of a no year for me amidst all the writing of course.