Being Small

On Grey's Anatomy tonight Bailey said, "I don't want to make myself small. If I stay here I'll have to keep making
myself small"

You can always tell the woman's touch in the writing of Grey's. There's always a good quote that makes me think about how I feel about things.

How often do we make ourselves smaller just to keep the peace. I won't be honest, I won't speak my mind just to avoid an argument. I won't show how happy I am or mention my good news because some people may feel insecure about it. I won't look like I enjoy myself too much. Won't bring too much attention to myself. Really, I'll just stop being me.

Do we always have to leave situations where we're made to feel small? If we stay, how can we stay and keep some sort of balance? Maybe the people who keep challenging us, taunting us to be small are really here to remind us to be our big selves, our true selves, our full selves. We need to stop being small because it doesn't work anyway.

No person in an abusive relationship has ever stopped the abuse by being quiet.

EY

Gratitude 2013

12Feb13

I made plans with my friend Ben back in May 2012 to meet up with him and his family in Niagara Falls in late December 2012. We hadn't seen each other in 16 years. We'd lost contact for about 10 years and with the beauty of social media, namely, Facebook, he found me and we've been in touch ever since. I still can't believe he found me or that he remembered my last name because NOBODY ever spells my last name right. Just goes to show you, me, when someone really really cares...

We met up in Niagara Falls and it was like we'd never had all those years between us. We got on like a house on fire and laughed and insulted each other and kept stopping in mid sentence to just look at each other. His family asked the questions like, How did you two meet? And when I told the story, Ben laughed out loud, "that's exactly what happened!" ha-ha! He would tell me a memory of us that was still in the forefront of his mind and I would tell him my memory.

Shit! I'm smiling as I'm typing!

It was a wonderful trip. So wonderful to be around him and his boyfriend and his family. The over priced tours of which we paid too much for the crazy pictures the tour organizers took of us. I never buy those pictures! But they are such special memories for all of us. We paid. One of the best things that was said was after his boyfriend asked me about my cats and I made a funny face like, How so you know about my cats, and Brett says, "oh Ben always shows me your facebook page and status updates because he's usually laughing."

Can you hear the girl's high pitched, Ahhhhh!? Yeah it was said. lol

Anyway, once the parents went up to their Hotel room and the three of us went to the bar and chatted and caught up and reminisced, Ben asked, "When are you coming to Australia?"
Without skipping a beat I said, "for my 50th birthday, in a year."
So I'm saving up to go to Australia in March of 2014.

I came back to Toronto after our whirlwind weekend of silliness and new inside jokes and a smile to end all smiles and that's when I knew that this year was going to be all about gratitude. I have a lot to be grateful for, I want to focus on that.

Some of what I'm grateful for today:

Earlier in December, my cop friend sent me a message asking, are we going to see each other before Christmas? I replied that I'd understand if she was too busy being married and with a young child. But I could really use seeing you because such and such happened. She messaged me right back saying, I just spoke to my husband and he'll stay home with our daughter on Saturday can we meet up then? I was working but was available the Sunday, could she? Yep, spoke to husband and he would stay with their daughter on Sunday night instead. I am grateful because I never say I need anyone and one of the few times I did, they really moved mountains. They both work shifts and can be on opposite shifts and the like. This was no easy task.

My friends who know I'm a little hokey and never make fun of it. Hey a lot of people aren't into Astrology and Numerology and Messages from the Universe and half the things that I live my life by. But more people are starting to.

My cats. If you live with animals they really get to know you and they do things, special things. Yesterday morning during my anxiety Gatsby did something that he hasn't done in forever. He bit my feet while I was doing yoga. I think it's been about 2 years. He used to bite my feet during every yoga session and I would laugh hysterically. I got onto my yoga mat with my head hung a little low and when I did the move where the opposite leg and the opposite arm come up as my leg came back down he jumped my foot and bit me. I did a girlish squeal and started to laugh then I hugged him for being my pal. ha! Zelda has been super affectionate and Stormy has been really funny, as kittens are.

Budgeting! I'm committed to budgeting because of Australia, obviously. And it's been great. I've been getting the best groceries, getting the flyers, cooking based on sales and I've lost 5lbs in the mix. Grateful for that. Could lose another 20. Give 'er time! ;)

My Apartment. It's not extravagant but I can afford where I live, it has all that I need and it has peace and silence.

Blogging. I was telling a friend last week that he doesn't know the gifts that writing a page a day will bring him and that I'd been blogging off and on since 2006 (where have the years gone?!?) and because of it I've been able to find clarity on an idea that I've been bouncing in ny head for a few years. So I'm working on that idea.

Grateful for my new rocking chair. Been wanting one forever and overheard a co-worker discussing rocking chairs in her phone conversation. I said, not that I was eavesdropping but are you getting rid of a rocking chair? She didn't want to unless she was giving it to a good home. I have the good home. (smiles)

Another co-worker, my son, worked an event that had a lot of leftover cheese. He left me a box in the fridge at work with 10 different types of cheese. Full packages. I laughed my head off when I opened the box. I don't think I can eat all that cheese but I'ma try! Too funny.

My motto in 2010 was, 'I want to feel good'. I want to graduate that idea to 'I want to look for the Good.'
When you see it, you feel it.

EY

Challenging People

12Feb13

The most challenging people in your life are there for you to learn how to maintain your light. The real value of the connection is for you to be able to remember who you are and to evolve from lifetimes of suffering, sacrifice and martyrdom into the power of your own presence. Our healing occurs when we stand in the light in spite of the darkness we are surrounded by. When we release our guilt over being in the light when others appear to be in darkness (which is their choice), we become better teachers and leaders. We can lead others out of darkness not by showing them how dark it is in the dark, by become an example of how much more powerful it is to live in the light. We didn't come to the world to turn our light off but to shine it brightly, so shine on and live in joy, without guilt.

I've been trying to ask the Universe for help lately. You know how you can ask yourself a question and get an answer to it in random places?

I've got a couple of really challenging people in my work life. One of them looks for ways to punish me repeatedly because he's mad at me. I told him he was nasty when I discovered him flossing his teeth in the office. I'm sorry, that is nasty. And the other challenging person has been a challenge for 6 years now. I've tried everything. I've tried to avoid this person. I've tried to befriend this person. I've tried to ignore this person. And then some.

This person is like my Mercury Retrograde Nemesis. She'll be calm and forget about me for months at a time and then like Mercury Retrograde she'll peek back around wreaking that murphy's law type of havoc in my life. I don't get it. I've always been of the belief that we agree we don't like each other so let's just stay away from each other. The Challenging ones never seem to live by that motto.

It's been about two weeks now since she's begun her campaign again. Lord only knows what set her off.
But the one Wednesday she blamed me for something that clearly wasn't my fault and I knew it was time to move into avoidance mode as much as possible. Hey I'm a Pisces, we can disappear while standing right in front of you. We have skills. lol Sadly the avoidance mode hasn't been working. It's like she made a pact with herself to remember to pick at me from every angle.

I started to feel anxious about the whole thing because I was thinking it through too much. I was thinking, preparing, myself for all the angles she was going to come at me from. Thinking about where I might need to cover myself. Thinking about what I might say in my own defence. Thinking, thinking, thinking and driving myself a little crazy. Okay more than a little.

Yesterday I got up to get ready for work and I felt dread. The chatter in my head was about: I've fought all these battles before, I've proven myself time and time again, I don't want to have to do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, Oh My God I'm going to have to find another job! I worked myself up and then I realized, I can't go to work like this. So I got quiet.

What am I going to do? I looked up a little and said, "Okay, can you help me out here? I need your help, I don't know what I should do."
I thought I'll do some yoga to stretch out my body and calm my mind. Now I usually just slip a DVD into my laptop but instead I decided to slip it into my TV DVD. I turned on the TV and the channel was on an informercial on depression. Some CD program that you listen to that gives you tips on how to deal with depression and get you off the meds if you're on them. "Yep, yep, it's my thinking," I said and thanked the Universe for the quick help.

I did my Kundalini Yoga session and during the meditation portion of it I heard the thought, you can heal your life.
Right? I pulled out Louise Hay's book, You can Heal Your Life and went straight to the Relationships chapter and read it. This book was the first self help book I ever bought and I turn back to it when things get beyond tough for me. The gist of it is that it's not others we need to change it's us. So I kept it in my mind that what will change this challenging relationship for me is me changing somehow. Good direction.

I got myself bathed and as I was getting ready for work I thought that listening to the news wasn't going to help me none so I flipped around looking for some TV church. I found a channel and the Evangelist was talking about FAITH. Having faith, keeping faith, believing with faith. Good good.

As I walked to work I thanked the Universe for the help. Actually I looked up at the sky and said, "Thank you for that. I know you heard me."

I read more of You Can Heal Your Life last night. The stuff about blessing the person. Whenever the person comes into your mind, "bless them with love every time you think of them." I've been working on it. A part of me wants to ask her, Are you okay? Or maybe ask, can we go to lunch and have a chat? And the other part of me is still pissed at these years of torture. Hey I'm only human.

In my 'only humanness' and flipping back and forth today between blessing her and being pissed off I came across this message from Jennifer Hoffman that really was a strong message and reminds me that blessing her is my only option if I want to move forward in my joy. Being pissed off just attracts more of the same.


Here is Jennifer's full message:
“The most challenging people in your life are not there for you to heal their darkness, they are there for you to learn how to maintain your light. While their healing is an option (which they have to choose for themselves) that your presence affords them, the real value of the connection is for you to be able to remember who you are and to evolve from lifetimes of suffering, sacrifice and martyrdom into the power of your own presence. Our healing occurs when we stand in the light in spite of the darkness we are surrounded by, not by how many people we convince to leave their darkness for the light.

When we release our guilt over being in the light when others appear to be in darkness (which is their choice), we become better teachers and leaders. We can lead others out of darkness not by showing them how dark it is in the dark, by become an example of how much more powerful it is to live in the light. When we live in the darkness for the sake and purpose of reminding someone of the darkness' limitations (which they already know), we aren't serving anyone.

We didn't come to the world to turn our light off but to shine it brightly, so shine on and live in joy, without guilt. How powerful is it to stand in a dark room and tell someone that there is a better option that we'll show them, as soon as they decide to get out of the dark room. How much more powerful is it to be in the most brightly lit, joyful and powerful place we can imagine for ourselves, see them standing at the doorway and inviting them to come in?
Jennifer Hoffman from my upcoming book: Evolving at the Speed of Soul”


I expect there will be more challenges before things change for the better but I have Faith that I can stay within my light and I don't need to be dragged into the darkness that this person chooses to live in.

2013 feels like a year to focus on gratitude. These messages from the universe are definitely things to be grateful for.


EY

2013 - Personal 1 Year

2013 brings me into a Personal 1 Year and a new 10 year cycle. It's a big time to set my focus for what I want within these ten years and what I want to change.

My biggest focus is to live in gratitude. I've listened to so many people complain about what they don't have, what they thought they'd have, what they didn't receive, what they expected, what other people have... It just stops the flow of everything. Happiness, more good in your life, everything. When we're focused on all that we think we don't have we can't be happy for others when they receive their good. It falls into abundance that there's enough for everyone.

I feel like I've done more emotional work in the last 10 year cycle then any other time of my life. I took a deep hard look at the cycles in my life that have repeated themselves and repeated themselves some more. I feel like I've genuinely worked through major issues. I'm calling it a bit of a heroes journey. lol. Might as well make it big in my mind. It is actually big.

I'm feeling like this 10 years will be more sociable. I needed the solitary before. I now know how to seek the solitary without guilt, so I can be more sociable. I feel more optimistic. I feel like I've shaken off the serious demons. I am responsible for myself, my dreams, my joy.

I find I've been looking at the disagreeable people in my life with a different perspective. In the midst of steering clear of their drama I'm also seeing them as tortured people. This one person who, even in the New Year, continues to hold a grudge against me but that's not enough. He goes out of his way to try to cause grief in my life. I got his number. He doesn't affect me but I feel sorry that he still doesn't see that you can waste your life trying to get back at people. We can be so stubborn. We can waste our time. We can torture ourselves needlessly. Part of it is we're too scared to do the work. That's not my cross to bear. I don't need to heal him, guide him, lead him. He is not my responsibility.

If I watch any reality shows, there are two that I will catch. Hoarders, because I can't make it through 15 minutes without getting up and cleaning. lol.

And Intervention. I have a fascination with Intervention. I have a fascination with addiction and the torture that sends people in the direction of their addictions. There's usually something, some upset that precipitates the addiction. I've been through some of the things that some of those people have gone through. Grew up watching adults with addiction, was a witness to domestic violence. I realize that I could be one of those addicted people on intervention if I didn't handle my demons in writing. Us humans, we can be such a tortured lot.

We have to work through our torture, our demons, otherwise they have all sorts of unknown powers over us. I want my power. I want to focus on my power in these 10 years and beyond.

2012 was an awesome year for me, when I look back at the year as a whole. There were a couple of low points but that's life. Going back to my old homes from my childhood really provided a real shift in my mind for me. I felt less jinxed and more possibilities. I feel like I worked through some serious stuff and I was rewarded for it and the benefits in the coming years are unimaginable.

Ha! I think I just finally grew up! It was bound to happen.

EY

Adults Acting Out

On Dec 4th, 2012 my friend Sarah's facebook status said that her mother passed away that morning and later on in the day Sarah's husband of 3 years, Neil, also passed away.

I burst into tears. How? How does one person have to endure such devastation at one time? And so close to Christmas. I sent her a message right away with all my phone numbers and said, "call me when you need to scream, cry , talk, whatever you need."

She had a memorial for her husband on the 10th of December, the day before his parents were returning to England. It's bizarre how life works out sometimes. His parents had come to Canada on vacation and while they were here their son dies. It's so hard to wrap your head around stuff sometimes.

At the memorial I just wanted to keep my focus on not crying. I could cry after I left. I simply wanted to be a support. Sarah mentioned at one point to a handful of us who all used to work with her and each other that another mutual friend/ ex co-worker decided not to show up because he said it was too hard for him.

Sarah says, "too hard on him? I've lost my mum, my husband, and my cat, all on the same day and it's too hard for John to show up."

That is the way it goes though, doesn't it? People find the worst times to act out. What is with people acting out anyways? When my mom died, my Uncle's girlfriend spent the bulk of my time in Montreal grasping for attention. If she wasn't crying uncontrollably over some random something, she was getting rip roaring drunk. No, I wasn't a fan.

I've been thinking a lot about people who act out especially since there was a fair amount of it in 2012. I've decided I'm no longer rewarding people for acting out. I'm not going to react or give them my attention, neither positive nor negative. At some point we all have to get over ourselves. We have to work through our issues.

This is the next step in my healing and letting go of the energies that pull me down. I've overcome hanging out with people I don't like in order to spend time with pople I do. I say it straight out, if you've invited so and so I won't be there because I'm not a fan. And now I'm not giving my energy to people who act out in order to manipulate me into giving them my attention. I believe that acting out is a manipulation.

We only have so much time in a day and to spend it buried in crappy energy then with the hours or days of angry thoughts and feelings that follow the crappy energy. It's not worth it. Children act out. The rest of us should know how to use our words or figure it out.

Some people use anger to control us or stop us from speaking honestly.
Some people insult us in order to get us to change a "no" into a "yes."
Some people guilt trip us.
And some people act out when they feel insecure about some attention they think they deserve to receive at the expense of your feelings or what's really happening.
I'm simply not going to reward them for that behaviour.

In the grand scheme of attention, some people, some of my friends, are really going through serious hard times. I get choked up on a daily basis thinking about my friend Sarah. I've been sending her messages and ideas on how to cope. Telling her what helped me when I was grieving. I can't even imagine how to recover from such pain.
EY

Enjoying the Quiet

I haven't had much to say over the last couple months. I feel like I'm plugged into a unit recharging myself. I've been mostly okay with it thinking, if you don't got it, you don't got it. I do have to keep reminding myself that it's part of the cycle of living. We go through quiet moments and it's okay to simply exist in the quiet.

Things have been great at my day job. Great in the way that staying and fighting the good fight and witnessing the changes in committing to stay rather than run away. All through my life I've been the person to move on. I think it's a symptom of having moved a lot as a kid. No problem was ever too big to walk away from. Or, if I had a problem it was no big deal because we'd probably be moving soon and I wouldn't have to face the problem anymore. It's not easy to speak your mind every single day at every opportunity when people misunderstand us. My worry was always that I would come across as the angry Black woman. I know if I'm just seen as the angry Black woman then no one will ever 'HEAR' what I'm saying.

I stayed even with the worry. I stayed and consistently spoke my mind. I stayed and things have become so good for me in my position, relationships have surpassed what I could ever believe they could have become. I stayed and this current state of contentment has made me quiet. Last week I was able to move into the realization that I don't have to fight anymore. People are listening to me. People are valuing the work that I do. So now that I don't have to be on hyper alert what shall I do?

I've been contemplating my personal 9 year and what past junk I can get rid of, heal myself from. Behaviours and mind sets that have served me well in the past but are no longer needed, like my nature to run away. I remember a friend Jordan saying to me years ago that we often carry survival techniques with us that served us well when we were in crisis but can sabotage our lives when we are no longer in crisis. Those words have always stayed with me in a profound way.

It is astounding to me to have witnessed someone who didn't believe a word I said to seeing that person value my opinion and ideas. That has been a truly powerful experience and lesson for me. And so I'm still in my quiet. I am deep breathing, meditative breathing, into my quiet. I am listening to what my silence has to say to me. What other powers might I have if I stick to one goal? What other survival techniques can I transform?

I've been quietly unearthing my buried treasure. I've been thinking about the light, my light, that I have to offer. It's a little flickering candle at the moment. I've been nurturing it and very mindful of those who would blow on it with insensitivity. I've been acknowledging my fragility, that's the part I never admit to. I like to scare people out of affecting my fragility. I scare people by being the elephant trampling everything in her path. I scare people by being the deadly Mother bear who runs at danger with hysterical fear protecting her baby cub.

Now that I know how to do that, use those survival techniques to protect my fragility, my little flickering candle, how do I learn how to share myself with openness? How do I bring the self protective side and the fragile side out together? That is my goal to work on in my Personal 1 year in 2013.

Sabbath Progress Log for 15Sept12 Sat

I went to bed after midnight Friday night and woke up Saturday around 6:20am.
It really is nice just to wake up when I wake up as opposed to waking up to alarms. That jarring is so bad for the nerves.

I woke with a happy smile and wished myself a Happy Sabbath. It felt appropriate. :)
I gave myself a Reiki treatment (which I don't do enough) while using the Doctor Ho unit. My back has been still sensitive since I pulled it out a couple weeks ago.

I did my morning pages and ate a fruit salad of oranges, raspberries and strawberries. Ate a couple apples and promptly went back to sleep for a few hours.

Around 1pm I found I was struggling with not turning on the television. I didn't care about the internet or the phone but the TV, especially since I knew that the Gilmore Girls was on. Crazy since I've watched all the episodes. But once I got over the struggling, I did some reading and later in the afternoon I did some writing and wrote up all my blog entries. I also worked on New Moon wishes reading to get an idea of what my list will be.

The main thing I'd noticed by the end of the day was that I wasn't feeling the normal anxiety that I usually feel on the weekend. That anxiety is the feeling that time is passing by and I'm not making good use of it. By the end of the day I felt like I had a fully relaxing day, aside from the TV struggle of about an hour. Bad habits die hard.

I feel like I could have got more accomplished writing wise but that's my schtick, I never feel like I accomplish enough. I did get a lot of much needed sleep and it was super nice not to have spent my day doing laundry and grocery shopping and all the chores that normally eat up my Saturday. And cat cuddles. The cats were very enthusiastic about spending all that extra time cuddled up in bed.

So, that's one Sabbath attempted and enjoyed. The true test is how I'll feel during the work week. Of course it's only one so I'll monitor the changes over the month of Sabbaths. I think it's something I can continue.

EY

New Moon in Virgo

For the New Moon in Virgo, Simone says Mercury, the planet which rules Virgo, conjoins the Sun and Moon at the lunation. This hyper-mental energy requires placing our thoughts in service of our goals.

Well that works with my commitment to observing a Sabbath.

I also liked this idea ...

It’s time to acknowledge that despite some failures, you’ve also experienced successes, whether great or small, since the spring. Write down these successes and celebrate them. Virgo likes making lists and tallying progress; it also supports regular practice—the dedication which slowly moves us in a new direction. Whether it’s a daily walk, a morning blessing before heading off to work, clearing clutter one drawer at a time, sending out resumes to find a more fulfilling job, or volunteering for a cause you believe in, small acts will yield big shifts over time.

I read up on Virgo New Moon Wishes using Jan Spiller's book, New Moon Astrology She says no more than 10 wishes total for the month (new moon to new moon).

Here are some ideas for wishes to focus on:

- developing a healthy eating plan
- developing an exercise routine
- removing addictions to cigarettes, bad sugars etc
- completing work projects with minimal stress and maximum efficiency
- creating a routine for work/play life balance
- creating neatness and order in our home
- paying bills/ debts on time
- discerning what's important and what is not
- appreciating the opportunities that are offered to us
- focus on the here and now moment

Happy New Moon! Hope you are making new moon wishes and making them come true for you. :)

EY

Sabbath - Feeding and Enriching My Artistic Soul

I wrote up a set of my rules/ guidelines of what my Sabbath will be. I kept in mind my work schedule because I do work some Friday nights. I want a level of flexibility that will help me to succeed.

I got groceries on the way home from work Friday night and after I put them away and turned off my alarms, my 25 hour Sabbath began. I've already decided that should I have to work on a Saturday night I will have my Sabbath on a Sunday. Like I said, keeping it flexible. And during my writing festival, I think I will do this during a week day since the festival is 10 days long and I'll have all that time off during the week.

Anyway, here are my current guidelines:

Do's
- Starts 25 hours from the time I get home on Friday
- Eat healthy, cleansing foods and juices
- can attend anything that enriches my artistic soul
- Can attend writing festivals
- Keep a Progress Log


Don'ts
- No chores
- No television
- No email
- No phone
- No internet
- No cooking unless crock pot or simple meal


Observance Activities
- Prayer
- Meditation
- Kundalini Yoga and chanting (use ibook - it has no internet connection)
- Qigong (ibook)
- Reading
- Music (maybe, haven't made a decision, yet)
- Work on Novel in progress
- Write blog entries
- Write Essays
- poem
- Draw
- Walks
- Goal Setting:
a) What I'd like to study in 2013
b) 50th birthday ideas
c) Finances


EY

Observing the Sabbath

I've decided to observe the Sabbath!

July and August were weird months for me. I felt like my insides were struggling to get a proper space within my body. That's the best way I can describe it. It was the caterpillar struggle to get out of its gunk to become a butterfly. Except of course, I haven't had any major transformation yet, just the continued struggling.

I've had face to face discussions with a number of my girlfriends and I noticed one theme. We all feel as if we've given up doing the things that kept us enthusiastic. You know? Keeping a journal used to be filled with pictures and quotes and ideas and song lyrics. Now our journals are bland, "The weather was nice. I bought groceries today."

I marveled with one girlfriend about how I stopped doing my morning pages because I was boring myself! I seemed to have lost the stream of consciousness rhythm that I normally have when I do my pages. The rhythm that digs into the subconscious because the self editor is asleep. We both sighed that, "where did I lose my enthusiasm for life," sigh.

I told the same girlfriend that I'd started going to cheap Tuesday night movies weekly just to add something, anything. And I'd written up a list of healing activities that might actually push me toward the butterfly type transformation that maybe my insides were struggling for. I've got the list, I still haven't done what's on the list. (hangs head)

To make matters worse, my part time job has kicked back in since the beginning of September. So I'm back to working two jobs and in my free time, heck, during my work time, I'm always tired. And my list has been burning in my thoughts. Each day that I don't do anything on that list I'm disgruntled. Every day I begin the day asking, "How am I going to fit this in?"

Thursday, September 13th, I woke up and said out loud, "I'm going to observe the Sabbath." It's been something that has floated in my mind since July 6th when I read Gretchen Rubin's email from her Happiness Project blog. It was an interview of Joshua Foer who, you guessed it, attributes his happiness to keeping the Sabbath.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

I keep the Jewish Sabbath, which is not something I did when I was 18. For 25 hours each week, everything gets turned off. No email. No phone. I don’t make anything. I don’t destroy anything. No matter how much stress I have in my life, it all evaporates on Friday night.

Joshua's mention of keeping the Jewish Sabbath brought me back to almost 30 years ago when I was a part-time live in Nanny for an Orthodox Jewish family. I was hired to care for their 6 kids specifically for the Sabbath. The family had their lights on timers so the proper lights would turn on in specific rooms like the dining room during Sabbath lunch. The Mrs used a crock pot for their lunch and put the food in before the Sabbath started and it was ready in time for lunch.

But the best part of observing the family keep the Sabbath was watching the kids devour books because there was nothing else to do. They'd each borrow a pile of books from the library before the Sabbath started and they would read, for hours! I remember telling my mother about it all those years ago. "What a great idea," I'd told her, "It's a great opportunity to slow down." The Mister and Mrs had a nap while I kept an eye on their children and the children read books and books and books and books!

Of course I'm not Jewish, nor am I religious but I know I need something drastic. I need to give myself the gift of time. So just in time for the new moon in Virgo, I've committed to observing an Artistic Sabbath for at least 4 Saturdays in a row and I'll revisit my commitment to see what changes I can make.

Here's the full interview. Oh and in the comments someone posted this Sabbath Manifesto for those who are doing it for non-religious reasons. Awesome! I hadn't thought of wine! lol

EY

I Need a Champion!

I feel like I've been so much more calmer inside since I had my "secrets" breakthrough. Something about that makes me feel like everything is okay and will be okay. It's a welcome change.

I've still been maintaining the, "Slow down, stop racing, and simply be," advice. As part of that, I've been watching movies. I don't have a vast collection of movies but I am growing a decent collection. My corner store started selling DVD's and I normally ignore them but last weekend I decided to ask the clerk how much they were and they are $6.99 each or 2 for $10. Really? hmm.

As I was looking at them and trying to narrow the amount of DVD's I bought, I decided I wanted to watch some movies on second chances. It's feeling like a theme for me and any inspiration is always good.

I bought The Vow with Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum.
Larry Crowne with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts.
And The Man on the Train with Donald Sutherland
The 4th movie I bought had nothing to do with 2nd chances but simply filled my 2 for $10 purchase.

So far, I've watched The Vow and Larry Crowne.
The Vow was surprising because it wasn't what I expected. It's the line, "I have to make my wife fall in love with me again," in the promos that is misleading. They really don't spend much time showing him doing that. They have one date and he attends her sister's wedding and then that's it. He backs away. It was a sweet film but if I were to re-write it, I would go deep into the husband courting his wife who doesn't remember who he is. Isn't that the point?

Larry Crowne I did like a lot. I liked the quirkiness of it. Of course Nia Vardalos was one of the writers and that makes total sense. Her best writing is the quirky, lovable characters who might be perceived as ,I hate to say, losers. They are the other people, the people that we don't rush to tell stories about. Not the history makers.

Larry Crowne as a character who had to start over, decluttered his life and downsized. And went back to school. And the gist of the story, for both his character and Julia Robert's character is it's never too late. A great, inspiring reminder.

Watching both those movies made me want to buy Eat, Pray, Love. Which I bought yesterday and watched last night. This movie I had actually watched before and ultimately bought the book and read it. This really is The Second Chances movie.

In the book Elizabeth Gilbert gets into excruciating detail of her 'male' issues. So as I watched the movie that information was in my head, even if it was more brushed stroked in the movie. It's important to know who we need to be for ourselves when we're in relationships.

I love the discussion of muffin tops and enjoying the pleasure of eating and no man has turned away a naked woman because she has a muffin top.

And the Italian's joy or perfecting of doing nothing. Dolce Far Niente. Yes, I thought of my 9 year numerology forecast when that was mentioned.

In India, of course, I enjoyed the struggle with meditation. The struggle to quiet the mind, to surrender, to give up trying to control.

And I loved everything about Bali, er, Javier Bardem. Really? Could they find a more beautiful man? I could be inspired by anything that Javier Bardem told me. lol

His comment about how she looks, "you are thin and elegant from a distance and then up close you are soft and fleshy!"

And what she needs, "You don't need a man, you need a CHAMPION!"

I feel like I shed emotional poundage this month. I've grown more comfortable in spending time in Dolce Far Niente.

And my take away tools for my Second Chances starter kit:

- A man worth his weight, will wait. I want a Champion. I want a man who knows how to court a woman.
- It's never too late for second chances. Declutter, downsize. Study and practice my passions.
- Eat what I love. Tone down the criticism on my changing body. I am 48 years old. I'm not going to have the same anything that I had as a 20 or 30 year old.
- Pray. I've got my Kundalini Yoga practice but I would like to add sitting in silence and smiling for 20 minutes a day. I LOVE THAT IDEA!
- Love. Love myself exactly as I am. And Love others more openly without holding back.

Oh and if anyone has any suggestions on any movies that cover "2nd Chances," I'd welcome them! :)

EY

July 9 Year - Breaking Through

We eat too much, drink too much, smoke too much and whatever too much because we're not always in touch with what we're really feeling.

I've been standing in quicksand this month. Stuck and not able to move forward despite knowing what I want to do and even knowing the steps I can take to do it. I have to admit it's been bugging me. Shit! I'm always doing this work, always looking within, always looking at ways to move past all the garbage I've lived through, the hurts, the beat downs etc. I'm always looking at the ways that I've played a part in all of it. Quite frankly I've been sick of it.

I've tried to adhere to Christine Delorey's advice to "Slow down, stop racing, and simply Be." Well that part has been easy if you put it in a being lazy perspective because, to me, I've just been lazy. On a more enlightened plane, I've been waiting for some answer for a question I haven't asked yet. Yes.

It's half way through the month and Christine always mentions to re-read the forecast for the month to find deeper meaning. Two things stood out for me yesterday when I re-read my forecast. The past reappearing and some secret that will surface. I kept asking what was showing up now that was like a repeat of my past. And what possible secret could there be left? I've dug through all the secrets.

It's a good thing that I believe in Christine's work because this month's forecast was a pain in my ass. ha-ha!

It says,

There is a strangeness about this cycle and you may be unsure of what your next move should be. You want to do something, but the feeling persists that whatever you do may not work the way you want, and may be a waste of your time and energy.

I have been weaving in and out of sureness and unsureness of indeed what my next move is. How do I keep motivated with my writing, work my two jobs and have a social life. It's summer for crying out loud, I can be disciplined in the winter months when I'm happy not to leave the house.

This fear of inadequacy is being triggered by the voice of guilt telling you that you must constantly be doing something – and that doing nothing and getting nowhere in this human ‘race’ is unacceptable. Stop judging yourself by these outdated standards. Slow down. Stop doing, stop racing, and simply BE. Accept the uncertainty of it all and know that no matter how much pressure you are under, the situation will change in due course.

First thought, "I don't know if I feel inadequate" and mid month, "okay maybe I do feel inadequate." But at least there is a positive that the situation will change in due course. More waiting but what the heck am I waiting for? Why can't I just plow through?

Be aware of how past actions have led to your present situation. You are likely to be more ‘alone’ than usual and, if not, then it is up to you to take some private time and space for yourself. You have some very important thinking, feeling, and healing to do. The question is, “What do I really want?”, which can only be answered by another question: “What do I really feel?”

I keep looking at my past actions but am coming up blank. I look at what I call my laziness. Whenever I say I'm lazy to others they remind me of all that I actually do that proves that I'm not lazy. But I always feel like I can do better. Last year I realized that what stops me a lot is that I think 'that could have been done better' about everything. It's a level of perfectionism that buries me.

I have been more alone than usual and that I've been mostly fine with. I keep telling myself that I'm alone because I need to be, if I didn't need to be I wouldn't be alone. But how can I use this alone time wisely. How can I do it better? ha ha!

And I've been constantly asking myself, What do I really want, What do I really feel? And I haven't always been sure about what feel I'm looking at. What do I really feel about work? What do I really feel about my life? What do I really feel about what I really want to do? Yes, I can drive myself crazy.

The reason the events of July are so confusing or contradictory is because your sense of direction has become muddled. The only way you will be able to see your options, let alone make a decision, is to go inside, back in time, and determine what it was in the past that led you here; to this state of being lost.
In fact, you are likely to find yourself in the past whether you put yourself there or not...
Look for a connection between mistakes you see others making and mistakes you have made yourself, as there could be a futile case of the pot calling the kettle black going on.

What is it from my past that has led me here? I do feel lost. In my 'lostness' in the first half of this month I kept trying to think of the past. What is happening now that 'seems' like the past? I touched on it a couple times in conversations but didn't really realize that that was it. On my walk with my friend I'd mentioned my frustration with some friends about how I feel like they punish me when I don't do things the way they want me to. You know, someone ignores me for awhile so I don't chase after him or her and I feel this distinct punishing energy coming from him or her?

And in the other conversation I was cracking a riff on being Brown Snow. I said that in my childhood I could compare my story to Snow White but since I'm a black woman I couldn't call myself that, I'd have to call myself Brown Snow. It cracked us up. But it did delve into the punishment for just being me idea that has been bugging me.

Secrets from the past may reappear. Deal with them because, in the 9 year, past issues that you don’t deal with usually find a way to deal with you. Either bring a secret into the open, or accept that the matter is unresolved. Then work through the fear or guilt you are holding in as a result. You may find that an issue no longer needs secrecy, but if you stand to hurt yourself or someone else by “coming clean”, ask yourself what would really be gained by making a painful revelation. Perhaps the only person you need to reveal your secret to is you. Or, perhaps someone else’s secret will be revealed to you. Maybe someone will shock you as they reveal how they secretly feel about you.

And that damn secret! I was secretly hoping that the secret was someone revealing to me how he secretly feels about me but then I realized I didn't actually know anyone who I wanted to profess some love for me because you know, exes are exes for a reason. And most of the other men I know are married and the ones that aren't, not so much. Unless Dwayne Johnson (the rock) appeared suddenly and saw me once and was completely dumbstruck by his instant love for me?

The secret about finding the bio-father isn't such a big secret except he doesn't know I've found him.

Okay Christine, you're killing me here!

Last night I walked home from work and as I was, I reminded myself that this alone time is good, it's what's needed otherwise I wouldn't be alone, in the middle of a Beautiful July. That I just need to make better use of this time. I got home and got my writing stuff all organized in one spot to dig into my novel rewrite. I attached my Livescribe pen to my computer to charge. Then promptly started to play Cubis and drink a couple glasses wine. Woo hoo! Better use of my time!

In my dream last night, my mother and I were looking out the window watching these grown men playing. They were helping one man move out and came across hot wheels and proceeded to set up hot wheels tracks and were getting the cars to do flips and stuff. My mother and I were watching them and laughing at how men can be boys.

I woke up at 2:15am. I had the debate about whether I should get up or sleep until 3am. I couldn't decide if that early was really a part of my normal early rising or if I woke up because the fans made me cold and I just needed a sheet to cover me. I tried to fall back to sleep but by 2:30am I knew it was probably my early rising time and I'd get up and do my morning pages. I can always go have a wee nap after yoga.

And my morning pages wrote themselves. My first sentence was, "Is the secret that I am lonely? And from there delved into what I am still grieving about men, about my family and feeling that I've done everything wrong. And I delved deep into what my fears are that are related to the punishing thing that really stops me from being intimate with others, sharing myself (my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams). It's causing me to remain stuck, this feeling that some of the people I trust and love and give to beat me down and don't value me the way I need to be valued. My hurt and fear is the quicksand that is keeping me stuck. Okay, I'll say it, I am scared to have everything that I want, I know I can have it, because I'm scared that the moment I feel good in it, comfortable in it, confident in it, some one I love is going to wipe it all away and it will be lost and how will I ever recover.

There's a lot more in there. My morning pages are three legal size pages after all. And the ironic thing is about that dream this morning. A couple years after my mother passed away a psychic told me 'when you're mother appears in a dream, ask her what she has come to tell you." Man oh man, every time my mother appeared in a dream I'd wake up frustrated because I'd forget to ask the question. It wasn't until I said good-bye to a work friend who had passed away, whose funeral I couldn't attend, as I was falling asleep I wished her well and told her to look for my mother that my mother would help her out on this new plane, that I finally had the dream and asked my mother the question. In that dream, like in the dream this morning, my mother and I were looking out the window watching people and their antics outside.

Some how those two dreams feel like bookends to me right now. And the connection clicked in as I was writing the dream this morning in my pages. I had tears streaming down my face and I was laughing. It wasn't the painful tears of release. It was the happy tears of how powerful our lives are and our value in life. And our connections to EVERYTHING!

And P.S. if the Rock would like to come meet me and profess his undying love for me, I'd still be okay with it.

EY

Live Now - Art Exhibit.

Last night I went to an art showing of Simone Frank's at the BAND Gallery.
Her exhibit was a series inspired by a bar brawl.
Her description :

About this collection:

"This body of work was inspired by an altercation I had with a man in a bar called The Painted Lady on Ossington Ave. in Toronto. At first he was full of compliments, but when his affections weren't returned he became quite ugly. Another man I met, a gentleman had just asked me out to dinner but instead of basking in that, the inappropriate behavior of his employee enraged me. I pushed him before he could hit me. He threatened my life verbally. Long story short, a bar brawl ensued. I felt quite guilty about that act of violence as I prefer peaceful resolutions. The incident inspired me to create this series.

The full story is told in a book submitted for publishing called, No More Kissing Frogs."

Beautiful work. I'm really liking the idea of doing any kind of series. I talked to someone last night about Ntozake Shange's, "For Colored Girls who have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow is Enuf." I've been carrying that book around with me since I recently watched the Tyler Perry movie for it.

Yeah I like the idea of doing some sort of series and looking at a topic or a feeling or an incident from every angle.

I'm glad that I went to the opening. Thankfully I promised myself that I would go to it no matter what and once I make a promise... I can be shy with new people. Even worse is I can talk myself out of going places because I get caught in what I think is going to happen and then I don't show up. I think I'm going to be the only single person and I'll be standing by myself in a corner trying not to look awkward. I've done the no show so many times that it really has to become the fear that I walk through. Especially since I'm always glad, at the end of the outing, that I showed up.

I've also noticed that I get shy about talking about myself as an artist. Simone introduced me to people as "my writer friend" and I got scared of the inevitable questions. I added the qualifier that, "I'm her unpublished writer friend."

I shouldn't have worried though. In a group of other artists, they totally get it. There wasn't that normal look that you get from people sometimes where you feel that they think you're not really a writer if you're unpublished.

Some of the different conversations I had with the different artists and friends of the artists were about self-publishing and e-books in particular and whether I was thinking about going that route. I think certain types of genres are more appropriate for self-publishing, straight to e-book. We talked about blogging and social media and putting yourself out there and how much do you focus on stats vs just doing your work and letting the right followers come to you. If you build it they will come.

Some one asked me if I did any other art and I told her about the two times I've met the cartoonist Lynda Barry.
How the first time I met Lynda, she asked me "do you draw?"
And I told her that I used to draw cartoons.
She told me, "start drawing again."
From that suggestion I started doing my scribble drawings. The 2nd time I met Lynda, I mentioned that she had told me to start drawing again and I showed her the drawings I'd been doing. It was such a positive experience. Lynda Barry is a wonderful, wonderful woman!

Needless to say, talking about myself as an artist/writer last night turned out to be good for my soul. I felt good. I felt comfortable. I felt like I was with people who understood. Which of course is the whole point of having a weekly artist's date, right? It's to feed your artist's soul.

And part of the universe's message to me of Living Now, I think, has to do with walking through my fear that stops me from going out and meeting new people. I always feel good after I've shown up. I'm still that scared kid who went to a different school every year. I just keep forgetting that I always made a new friend on the first day of school. :)

EY

Do It Now!

What kind of messages has the Universe been giving you lately? Have you been listening for them?

I've been going through at least a week of "Do it Now" messages. Everywhere!
I know what it is too. I'm feeling like I need to make some major changes and the big picture looks so daunting. Of course, I'm too busy looking at the end result, the realization of the goal as opposed to the baby steps that I need to take to get me going on the journey.

I'm feeling such a sense of urgency though, in all the Universe's messages. I'm feeling the sense of urgency and I'm feeling stuck in place all at the same time. But of course, as is normally the case, Christine Delorey's forecast for me for July is giving me suggestions on how to deal.

Slow down. Stop doing. Stop racing, and simply BE. Accept the uncertainty of it all.

And that's exactly what I've been doing tonight. Just sitting and relaxing and writing in my journal and giving myself some space to breathe.

The June portion of Cancer was emotional and moody and crabby. I went through four days where I was really struggling with depression. In a way that I haven't in years. It worried me but I realize my version of cabin fever is depression. I've got to be the Squirrel who plays and works. I've got to find more balance.

For the Canada Day long weekend, I played. I got out and enjoyed the festivities. I walked through a neighbourhood that I would love to live in and caught myself thinking about why I couldn't live in that area then decided that I would simply have a driver and the problem will be solved. lol.

On Sunday, I got freaked out by all the people out in the streets during the gay pride festivities and bee-lined out of the crowd. Heading home, I came upon a group of buskers playing some funky, horn heavy music and ended up hanging out and listening to them for four hours and making a new friend. Another single woman like me, just hanging out, checking out what's going on in the city and happening upon these crazy talented young men. We sat together and cracked each other up and pointed out good looking men and people watched and laughed like we were long lost kin.

And Monday I met up with my walking buddy to walk. We got our sweat on and caught up and laughed and made a couple beer pit stops and six hours went by in a flash and we were hugging our good-byes until the next time.

Balance.

When I had all my neck and shoulder and arm pain, my physical therapist told me that I needed to take more breaks at work. Through our discussions over the months I went to see her, we agreed that the better way for me to do my work for my physical well-being was to stretch out what I was doing. Instead of printing three reports and going to retrieve them all from the printer at once, it's better to print one report, get up and go to the printer, print the next report, get up and go to the printer etc.

I need to do that in every area of my life. Slow down. Stop trying to race through every chore to get everything done. Take a breather. Go out and enjoy the amazing weather and discover what magical things come my way.

I get it now, the urgency isn't simply to do it now. The urgency is to LIVE NOW!

You paying attention to your messages? I hope so. :)

EY

Sun in Cancer - Cancer Focus

I wrote in my entry, The Women I Follow that "Guru Rattana helped me to look at the signs we are in and create a focus pertaining to that signs qualities."

Well, as of yesterday, we moved out of Gemini and into Cancer.

Here are some notes I highlighted from Guru Rattana's Monthly New Millennium Being for the Sun in Cancer.

Cancer's evolutionary themes focus on
(1) finding security, i.e. feeling safe, secure, and protected in life,
(2) receiving nurturing and love,
(3) figuring out how to deal with intimacy and vulnerability, without getting lost or used,
(4) finding an inner identity that honors and supports (not try to transcend) the above human needs, and
(5) learning how to use our subtle sensory system to tap into the power of love in our feelings and emotional body.



The Cancer/Capricorn polarity pair is about creating a sense of security and nurturing within ourselves (Cancer) and sustaining this consciousness in the challenging circumstances of worldly activities (Capricorn.)

Cultivate a stable inner foundation using strategies that include:

(1) accepting our feelings
(2) the examination of our painful past and identifying the programming that keeps us in a state of trauma and fear, and
(3) choosing to learn from our tests, forgiving and loving ourselves exactly the way we are, and moving on to more satisfying soul experiences.

How do we know when we are avoiding the lessons that our emotional responses are trying to teach use? If the same emotional problems and relationship dysfunctions keep surfacing, the verdict is 'denial.'

Learn to pay attention to and to trust our instincts, which operate at a very subtle level. Instincts don't give us verbal messages. They give us feeling messages. It is critical that we train ourselves to pay attention. It is also important to validate ourselves and our sensitivity.

We need to legitimize our human needs and not feel guilty or shamed by our humanness. Accept and honor, not apologize for our sensitivity. When we acknowledge as valid our needs (and essence), it is easier to ask for what we want without fear or shame. And our self-accepting projection helps us get what we ask for.

Learn how to separate ourselves energetically from situations and relationships that cause us to feel overwhelmed, invaded, and sucked dry. The purpose of the separation is not to escape, but to give oneself the space to do the inner work necessary
(1) to be able to emotionally handle life,
(2) to be able to receive love and experience the juice of life, and
(3) to love ourselves with all our heart.

Every life experience offers an opportunity to test our inner progress. When we can stay present and relax into what we are feeling without being bothered and burdened by fear, without judging and criticizing ourselves, we are making real progress.

Relate to everyone and every experience as carriers of messages from the Universe.

An impediment to our human and spiritual growth is the expectation that life can be perfect and that we are supposed to be perfect ourselves. This belief sets us up to be even more vulnerable and afraid. We don't accept, and in extreme cases, even hate ourselves. We make ourselves miserable when we cannot accommodate and accept the imperfect human condition.

It is easy to identify where the 'should be perfect' belief shows up -- recurring situations that we must face over and over again despite our efforts to escape. These include changing locations, relationships, jobs, and even spiritual paths -- and finding that we face the same challenges in the 'new' situation.

We have to deal with the way we are. We are each born to find our power from our 'weaknesses' (undeveloped gifts). We find resolution in learning our life lessons.

The human path is not about transcending, or more accurately denying and suppressing our physical and emotional desires and needs. Our human path is about accepting our state as a child learning about life, ourselves and others through experience, i.e. trial and error, failure and success.

Our ability to embrace our own emotions and love our inner child, awakens us to subtle sensitivities of the inner child in every man and woman. When we witness how every human being is a child in this world (doing the best that they can!), we can relate to others with both respect, kindness, and compassion. We feel the deep longing to love and be loved and can speak to the heart of everyone's soul. Others feel accepted in our presence, which gives them the space to love themselves.


Of course, Guru Rattana's newsletter has far more in depth information. When I printed it off it was ten pages!

The three pieces of these notes that speak the loudest to me are:

1 - "Relate to everyone and every experience as carriers of messages from the Universe."

This is something I've been working on for a few years now. What is the Universe trying to tell me in this situation? What are the lessons in this experience?

2 - "We are each born to find our power from our 'weaknesses'(undeveloped gifts)."

That's beautiful. What are my weaknesses and how can I work with them, work on them, to turn them into gifts?

3- "Our ability to embrace our own emotions and love our inner child, awakens us to subtle sensitivities of the inner child in every man and woman. When we witness how every human being is a child in this world (doing the best that they can!), we can relate to others with both respect, kindness, and compassion. We feel the deep longing to love and be loved and can speak to the heart of everyone's soul. Others feel accepted in our presence, which gives them the space to love themselves."


This one hit home today after an altercation with someone which didn't have to turn into an altercation. I saw it mounting and didn't change my actions to stop it because I felt I was in the right.

The quote makes me think, "What if I could see this person's inner child, what would he look like to me?"

There is this one side of this volatile, grown man who has temper tantrums. And those cannot be tolerated. But then there's that aspect of an injured inner child, he's hurting inside and he doesn't know how to make it stop. I still won't tolerate the temper tantrums, mind you, but I can have a bit more compassion for him when I look at him this way. Interesting.


EY

Sun in Cancer and other Astrological Events

I just got the latest New Millennium Being from Guru Rattana yesterday. I decided that I would start to journal around certain dates, things that are going on in my life to add to my Numerology and Personal Years notes that I keep from what I learn from Christine Delorey's forecasts

One of the things I've noticed in the more in depth Astrological forecasts that astrologers will discuss something like a current eclipse being similar to one that occurred in 1993. And asking if you can remember anything from that time and if so, a theme that emerged then may be repeated now but in a different way. If you read my piece on my cycles of personal years and discovering the repeated themes that I've faced, you can see the importance to me, anyway, of keeping track. Whatever I can learn and use. :)

Here are the dates and Astrological Events that will be included in my notes, stuff to focus on, stuff to keep in mind, stuff to look for:

(Of course, if you subscribe to Guru Rattana's New Millennium Being, you'll get far more info and a Kundalini Yoga mantra to practice during the month of Cancer.) I'll do another post with some Cancerian themes to look for during the month.

The message is CHANGE!



JUNE 20 - SUMMER SOLSTICE and Sun moves into Cancer - The electric Gemini energy gives way to softer, more nurturing energy.

JUNE 23 - Ceres the dwarf planet that symbolizes the Great Goddess moves into Gemini. Our alliances and communications are now empowered by feminine expressions as we are less in our head and more in our hearts.



JUNE 24 - First of 7 exact Uranus/Pluto squares between now and 2015. Uranus calls for freedom, reform, innovation, and revolution. Pluto obliges us to look at what is hidden in our subconscious that gets in the way of expressing our authentic soul power. Squares mark major turning points. We are obliged to transform from deep within and to make major changes in our personal and collective lives. You may have noticed that the pressure for transformation is increasing.


JUNE 25 - SATURN goes DIRECT. Notice if you feel like a burden is lifted and that you can finally move forward with the projects that have been held back.



JUNE 27 - Venus goes direct at 7 degrees Gemini More forward movement and now you know what you want.

SATURN (JUNE 25) AND VENUS (JUNE 27) GO DIRECT - going to feel a sense of relief and more energized . Will feel less resistance and be able to finally move forward. It has been a strange year with these long periods of retrograde including the Mars retrograde. So don't be so hard on yourself if you feel like the time has passed and you haven't gotten much done. (June 27 to 12July to feel relief and energized - take action and advantage of the direct movement while it lasts.)a couple weeks and plunged back into retrogrades - take action and advantage of the direct movement while it lasts. After August 7, only the outer planets (Uranus, Neptune and Pluto) will be retrograde, until October 4 when Jupiter goes retrograde in Gemini. We have 2 months (August 7 - October 4) when we can flow with the cosmic tailwinds. These 2 months are going to be the action months of 2012 - plan now.




JUNE 29 - Sun at 8 degrees Cancer opposes Pluto and squares Uranus. Transformation! intensity and force for change.

JULY 3 - MARS enters LIBRA

JULY 3 - CAPRICORN FULL MOON - talk less and feel more.



JULY 13 - Uranus goes RETROGRADE - When an outer or slow moving planet like Uranus changes direction, its presence and influence is intensified for weeks. The 5 months that Uranus is retrograde (until Dec 13 on the Sagittarius New Moon) gives us a chance to identify what programs, beliefs, and cultural conditioning enslave our psyche and to let them go.


JULY 14 - MERCURY goes RETROGRADE - in Leo invites us to pause and identify if we are operating out of our ego or heart.



August 7 - MERCURY goes DIRECT 



JULY 18-19 - CANCER NEW MOON (28 degrees) - Our ability to fearlessly move forward in our life (Capricorn) will be a good way to monitor the progress we have made in dealing with our Cancer issues. Since our inner reality (Cancer) greatly influences our outer reality (Capricorn), our outer life will demonstrate our inner success.



July 18 – 19 - Mars opposing Uranus and squaring Pluto - intensity and force for change. their effects build up and continue through July. the cardinal dynamic is active and may play out in relationship issues. By taking action, you will relieve some of the pressure and feel better. If you want things to happen, know that you are being supported by the planets to co-create what you want.

Hope this info is of interest to you too.

EY

New Moon in Gemini

I subscribe to Astrologer Dawn's email newsletter and one of my favourite emails to receive is on the New Moon and New Moon wishes to focus on.

The New Moon started today and is in Gemini. Gemini rules communications. Last month's new moon was also in Gemini on May 20th. She wrote two similar newsletters for both of the new moons. The 2nd newsletter gives more details. I'm going to quote from both newsletters.

I chuckled as I read them both today (I'd kept a copy of the 1st one last month) because I realized that the newsletters were actually applying to my recent blog entries.


In Dawn's email she says, "When the New Moon enters Gemini your wishes need to be around expanding your communication skills."
In relationships she wrote, "Moon in Gemini revolves around being heard and hearing and seeing others. You might write, I find myself easily communicating my thoughts, emotions and needs in a loving gentle manner. Or I want to find myself setting healthy boundaries and the ability to communicate those boundaries in a positive light." This applies to my blog entry on Social Media and friend requests.

"This month is also about changing your perception about issues in your life. Make some wishes around clarity, I want to find myself peaceful and calm in the face of difficult situations." My blog entry Snake Venom and the Wolves

"Another wish might be I want to easily find myself looking at situations in a positive manner; coming up with a variety of solutions." Both blog entries
Snake Venom and the Wolves and Today's Investing in my Happiness.

"Until we design the life that we want to live we are just reacting to the world. We need to be responding so that the decisions we make fall in line with who we are, where we want to go and how we are going to get there."

I've worked with setting New Moon goals for several years but since I've been following Astrologer Dawn's I've been getting more clarity on specific things to focus on with each Astrological sign the moon is in. The closer to the new moon that you make your wishes, the better. And the new moon period is up until the full moon.

I'm off to tweak my new moon wishes on some other bigger changes I want for myself.

Hope it's something you'll consider doing too. :)


EY

Investing In My Happiness

Since Saturday’s question of where the venom comes from, I’ve been taking another look at what makes me happy. I took an uncomfortable look at the ways that I am filled with venom. The ways I can be dismissive or downright mean. Hey I’m no saint. :) The more I thought of those difficult, woman in the mirror, realities of my personality, the more I thought about ways to solve it for me. And that is to focus on making myself as happy as possible as often as possible. I know that when I have a focus that is larger than the annoying realities I can shrug the annoyances off. My best example is when I worked in retail and kept my focus on my writing and never got caught up in the work place dramas or affected by nasty customers etc.

If I’m going to continue to transform the venom injections of each day, I need to have a ready repertoire of what makes and keeps me happy. You know, simple and manageable stuff that keeps me going.

Have you ever checked out Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project? Gretchen spent a year “test-driving the wisdom of the ages, the current scientific studies, and the lessons from popular culture about how to be happier.” And then she wrote a book. She can guide you with far better information on, well, making a project out of it.

My little list started with the promise that I would get back into getting up early to write and do yoga. As a motivation, I decided to tell myself that it was an investment in my happiness, so I wouldn’t press the snooze button and roll over. The rest of the list is just choosing from things I already own or things that are free or cheap. To remind myself that I don’t have to spend money. Although it’s nice to spend money once in awhile. :)

1- My number one goal is to get back to doing stuff for me in the mornings before I go to work. That’s at least my morning pages and a session of Kundalini Yoga. Truly, that investment is the one that pays me the most. I just plain old 'feel good'. I am putting my goals first, making my goals a priority by getting up to do them. I feel more motivated when I get to work, less distracted. Some times I can be in a bad mood simply because I’m mad at myself for not getting stuff done. So I’m getting up when I wake up. Monday it was 3am and this morning it was 4:07 am. I used to be a religious 4am riser but then I let it fall by the wayside. Dr. Wayne Dyer mentioned it in the most enlightening way quoting Rumi –“ The morning breeze has secrets to tell you, don’t go back to sleep.” I love that idea, I will hear the secrets if I simply get up. Get up! Get up! And the secret is that I’m way more productive and happier if I don’t press snooze for 15 more minutes of shut eye. Plus when I get up the moment I wake up, I’m actually less tired than if I sleep by the snooze button.
A good article on reasons to rise early

My other ways to invest in my happiness in no particular order are:
2- Sitting somewhere to feed the squirrels. I love squirrels, they make me laugh, they are fun to watch and feeding them reminds me that the Universe always provides so trust in the Universe.
I love what Squirrel Meaning and Symbolic Thoughts about Squirrels has to remind us about squirrels.

It's not commonly known that the squirrel only actually finds 10% of the nuts he hides for safekeeping. This is another message from the squirrel that we can also foolishly over-prepare.

Although, I like to think that what one squirrel doesn't find, another squirrel does.

This one says:

The gathering power of Squirrel is a great gift.
It teaches us balance within the circle of gathering and giving out.
They remind us that in our quest for our goals,
it is vital to make time for play and socializing.

Squirrel teaches us to conserve our energy for times of need.
If your totem is Squirrel or Squirrel has recently entered your life,
lighten your load of things that are unnecessary –
things that you have gathered in the past and may be cluttering your life –
thoughts, worries, and stresses.

3- Music & Singing – I have a vast music collection because I love music and I worked at a Record Store back in the day. I used to meet up with a girlfriend every Sunday for breakfast and she also has a vast collection. One year, she decided that she would play all of her music in alphabetical order and every week we'd meet up and she'd say, "I listened to the Bangles, The Beatles... Next week I'm moving onto the C's."
I'm going to pull that idea out of the vault and start doing that.
And the singing part is self explanatory. lol I love to sing and my cats tolerate it. :)

4- Playing with my cats (speaking of the cats). Gatsby , my tuxedo, loves to play fetch with a straw. He will sometimes bring the straw to bed to remind me that anytime I’m ready, he’s ready. Zelda, my grey domestic long-hair, loves to get under the sheet just as I’m flicking it in the air to put on the bed. She meows as I tickle her through the sheet. And I giggle! I've been trying to do that earlier every night so I can play longer with her before I have to go to sleep.

5- Ken Burns Jazz . I like to slip in a DVD while I’m getting ready for work and listen to stories of Jazz. I wish there were more affordable Jazz collections.

6- Crockpot cooking. I used to do more of this. And would try out zany recipes. I need to pick that up again. Cheap, easy, set it and forget it and leftovers!

7- Scribble Drawing – I literally scribble on a piece of paper. And then look for shapes and colour them in. It’s like looking for shapes in the clouds only doing it on paper. I have a sketch book filled with them. Perfect to do in a waiting room.

8- Long Walks – walking dates. This is my favourite way to get together with friends. A good walk across the city, through the ravines, along the water, anywhere. Sadly, not enough of my friends say yes to it. My one friend Lolo will walk until I say stop because my joints are hurting. Lol It’s free, you spend quality time together, you get a work out, you get to see the city.

9 - Spiritual Cinema Circle – I’ve been a member for several years now, so I have quite a collection of movies and shorts. They are a nice change from the Hollywood blockbuster. I watch them more on a winter weekend and I’m always thrilled with what I watch. One of my favourite shorts is about a little girl who outgrows her imaginary friend.

10 - And of course the zillions of physical books I have in my place, still unread. Plus my kobo and kindle that I carry every day!

11 - And Food! The summer and the best fruits. Blueberries and raspberries for breakfast makes me smile with each bite. Walking with a bag of CHERRIES! Oh Cherries, how I squeal the moment they are available. lol Fresh Strawberries in an almond smoothie. Watermelon, morning, noon and night! It's so easy to eat healthy in the summer!

So, yes, that's my easy list. Are you thinking about yours? Please do tell me what you do to invest in your happiness?

EY

Snake Venom and The Wolves

Hay House was live streaming Dr. Wayne Dyer's movie My Greatest Teacher this weekend. I guess to fall in line with Father's day.

The quote from it that started my day yesterday was, "It's not the snake bite that kills you, it's the venom." The interpretation was that we stay so focused on the bad things that happen to us that they become a venom in our systems.

So many little things can get into our systems and affect our reactions to everything. You know, so many of us walk around with a negative spin on life and we don't even notice it.

I went to my cats vet clinic for their open house, yesterday. I've always wanted to know what it looked like behind the scenes. What a gorgeous place. When I adopted my Gatsby from them, I had promised that I would use them for all my cats because my experience with them had been so positive. They've cared for my 4 cats and were beyond compassionate and gentle when I had to put down Picasso in 2010 and Quincy in Feb. I love their staff, so it figures that I would get a large dose of inspiration going there yesterday.

I left my house with the question, "Where is the venom coming from?" Because I knew I wanted to write about it. I know I still have a lot of work to do with my level of patience in certain situations. I have to admit, I am so tired of working with people who don't know how to do their jobs, after years or months of working in their positions. I can't always hide my disdain. It is becoming venom in my system. I need to remind myself to keep my eyes on the goal, my goal.

I sat with my co-worker on Thursday and we had a conversation about a disturbing news piece that has been swirling around Canada for the last little while. The news has been about a guy (I refuse to mention his name and give him more air time) who killed a Chinese student in Montreal, mutilated the student and mailed his parts to a political party office and to Vancouver. It's such a disturbing story and with every new breaking news piece, it just gets to become more disturbing.

My co-worker and I were talking about how these news pieces can really set us up to think that the world is one big cesspool. I'd commented that since I got rid of my television that the only way I can watch the news live is by watching the morning shows like the Breakfast television livestream. Of course every hour they cycle through the same news stories and it almost becomes like a mantra of murder and violence and the incomprehensible. It becomes venom in the system. I've made a new promise to myself that I will only listen to the news in one cycle and then I'll turn it off.

There are so many areas in life, my life where there are opportunities to be injected with venom. Am I going to let the venom poison my bloodstream or am I going to transform the poison to make me stronger?

I was processing all these thoughts as I entered the vet clinic. Everyone was smiling as I walked in. The vet clinic manager walked right up to me the moment I got in there. Big friendly smile, her little poodle named Reggae in her arms. Reggae is a poodle with dreads. Cuteness overload! The manager says with a smile that she will be happy to give me a 'backstage' tour but would I like to help myself to something to eat and drink first? I opted for the food and drink first, I was hungry. lol

Now just as an aside, are you thinking, "oh of course everyone is smiling, they are having an open house. They want your business!"? Sometimes I think that and it's a little negative spin on something that is nice. It's a drop of venom. It takes away from the friendliness. It gives everyone an ulterior motive and I can't fully enjoy myself. Thankfully I wasn't thinking that when I went it. What I was actually thinking was, 'it will be nice to see how many people work here.' Every time I've been there with my cats, I've met someone new.

I got to see the vet who put down my Quincy in February. She had been so touched with Quincy and me, when I had to put her down, that Jamie sent me a condolence card saying so. I balled my eyes out when I got that card, saying that she was touched to have been a part of my experience with my girl and that even though she didn't know me that she felt the love that I have for my pets and that I was a good cat mommy for doing the right thing for Quincy.

I gave her a big hug when I saw her and told her, "I was hoping I'd see you."

I had some strawberry cake with a crazy, tasty fondant. I chatted with a guy who has a hot-dog dog. Yes, I know what they're called. I still like to call them hot dogs. lol
I got my tour, got to pat some kitties and dogs in boarding and got a good appreciation for what their place is.

There was a woman painting a painting of Reggae, the dread-locked black poodle. Her name is Emilia Jajus. I watched her paint a little and I was ready to go. Then out of the blue I looked at her and asked, "How long have you been painting?"

She's been painting since she was a kid of course, said that she moved to Toronto when she was in her twenties, realized that Toronto was more of a 'business' town and got herself a job in a corporate office. She kept painting on the side and as she put it, "my entire cubicle was filled with my work, all my co-workers kept saying I was in the wrong business."

When the economy tanked she was laid off and took that opportunity to put her focus on painting full-time. It wasn't a difficult transition because she had been doing it on the side. And she literally had a painting gig for Starbucks, I think, to sit in one of their coffee shops and paint for a week. She's been painting full time since 2008.

We exchanged contact information and she emailed me yesterday, as promised.

I left the vet clinic feeling inspired by Emilia.

I went to get my groceries and in the grocery store, they made an announcement that the BBQ chicken that is normally $8.99 was on sale all day for $6.99. I thought I'd grab one so I could have a readymade lunch. I wanted a relaxed day, might as well have cooked food, so I don't gotta! :)

I get to the check out and the chicken rings up as $9.99. I mention it to the cashier and she says the price will reduce in the end. It didn't. She checks and rechecks my bill, then says, "I think you have the wrong chicken."
I say, "but those are the only chickens there."
She offers to take it off my bill and I originally say yes, then I change my mind. I wanted that chicken, it was the best looking golden, brown chicken of the bunch. And then a drop of venom as I was leaving the store - "Stinkin' store, they tell you they have a sale and then only offer the expensive chicken that's not even on sale."
And I caught myself, I could have refunded the chicken but I chose to keep it because I wanted it. GET OVER IT AND JUST ENJOY NOT HAVING TO COOK!

It was tasty. I had a couple chicken legs and thighs and a beer. And the rest of the chicken made into chicken salad for sandwiches during the week. A nice Saturday afternoon bite, some leftovers, and a great day overall.

And Emilia. She reminds me of another friend of mine who got laid off from her radio job and decided to focus full time on her singing. Every time I go to her gigs, she just looks so happy. She told me, "I may have to get a part time job in a few months but I really love the way my life has turned out since I've made my singing a priority."

It really reminds me that the main key to transforming the venom in our systems, in my system, is to be focused on what we love. Back in the day, when I worked in Retail, I always had my mind on writing. What I was going to write that night, what I was going to write in the morning before I went to work. I didn't have the venom. Or better yet, I transformed the venom before it affected me. Nasty customer? Shrug shoulders, as soon as this shift is done I'm going home to write.

This morning as I was checking Facebook, my friend Che had shared the picture up there of the two wolves and which wolf you choose to feed. I commented on her share that it was timely. ha! It sure was.

I want to feed the wolf who looks for the inspiration in life. It's everywhere. :)


Check out Emilia Jajus website and gallery. She is as talented as she is beautiful


EY