23 February 2015

We're All Connected

Monday 23Feb15

One of our Managers was let go on Thursday January 30th. We were about to start our meeting, got moved out of the boardroom and into the lunch room because there was another meeting to take place. There seemed to be so much activity in the management office and the energy was a little chaotic but it didn't enter me. It wasn't my chaos.
Those of us who were going to meet in the lunchroom cracked a few jokes and were ready to begin as an executive stopped in the door and called the manager's name, "Can I talk to you for a second?"
"Sure,"she said, then looked at us, "I'll be right back."
And that was the last thing she said to us.

We saw the HR woman who is usually around when someone is being let go and a couple of the ladies made comments of, "oh-oh, if she's here that can't be good. Do you think the Manager is being fired?"
I said, "No, no. She doesn't always come for that. When I applied for a position at Head office she came to see me to tell me personally that I hadn't gotten the position. We discussed why the other person did get the position, she had more experience etc. She doesn't come for just bad news don't worry."
Minutes went by. The faces of the other ladies looked scared. They were that scared silent. The Security Coordinator and I cracked our jokes, trying to keep the mood light.
I said, "Ahh it's probably me getting fired."
He said, "Yes, and I'm going to be the one to escort you out of the building with 3 guards and a taser."
The ladies weren't having it. They kept to that scared silence.

Well, 45 minutes later, our big boss came in, closed the door, and said, "Well, I guess you folks have figured out what's going on. The manager has been let go."
I leaned back in my chair. My stomach turned.
He talked about stuff, my mind wasn't connecting. There were a few, "Whys?" and "I really liked working with her."

And I spoke up. "I just have to say something because my stomach is upset and well, I have to say what's on my mind. I feel so disheartened that after all her years of service that this is how it ends. We were just starting to get into a good groove..." And then surprising to me as well as to every one else I started to cry.

I was asked if I was making this whole experience about me and I said no, that I was upset that it feels like there is no loyalty to a persons years of service. This way of being let go was like a slap in the face. That I imagine that she is wondering what we are saying about her. That we can go through years of feeling abused by one manager and when we finally get a manager who listens that this is what happens. That we don't even get a chance to say a proper good-bye. It was like a death. How do I even contact her to say, "Are you okay?"

He talked to me again later and I said, "I don't warm up to many people. It makes a huge difference between working with someone you get along with and working with someone who you feel is always setting you up."

If there is anything good that came out of it, it's that us non-managers have been confiding in each other more. We've shared stories of the things we'd suffered through over the years. We've realized that we are not alone in some of the mistreatments that have transpired.

Last Thursday there was breaking news that a little 3 year old boy had gone missing from his Grandmother's apartment. It was so weird. As I walked to work in the morning it was so cold out that my knees hurt. When I got to work I was saying to a couple of co-workers that you'd think I could walk faster since it was so cold out but I actually walked slower because my legs were so cold. I had on leggings under my pants.

I think I got the breaking news email just after 8:30am about the little boy Elijah. He'd last been seen at 9:30pm when he was put down to bed. He was wearing a t-shirt and diapers and the apartment door was open.
Dear Lord, let this end in good news.

It didn't. People drove in from Mississauga, from London, Ontario. From all parts to help to look for little Elijah. He was found by a volunteer about 100 metres away from the apartment building without vital signs. I got that breaking news email and 30 minutes later the breaking news email that he had passed.
I felt defeated.

I worked that night at my part time job. As I was getting ready to leave for the evening we turned up the news to hear the full report. There had been a picture of little Elijah in the apartment building lobby before he left the building out into the -30 degree weather to his eventual death. My eyes welled up.
In the report, they said that the volunteers who found him were crying. That the police who took him to the ambulance were crying. They spoke to some of the volunteers on the scene and they broke down just saying, "We came to help. We were hoping for the best. This is just so heartbreaking."

I started to cry.

I said to my co-worker, "When I heard the news this morning that he'd passed away I kept trying to think of a reason for this. Maybe the angels were with him. Maybe they woke him and held his hand and said it's time for the job you were brought here to do - to open everyone's hearts." Because why would something so tragic have to happen?

Friday morning as I had my shower, I thought of little Elijah and pictured his sweet smiling face and I sobbed. I sobbed because so many of us would have offered our own lives in order for his little 3 year old life to continue. I sobbed because this life can be so damned painful and feel so senseless.

I want to believe there is a purpose for this painful story. So many strangers, including myself, are mourning his death. His death tells us that we are all connected. When life is incomprehensible we are all connected. We all cry, we all mourn. In this cold, cold winter that has been bearing down on us, they've been calling it 'winter fatigue' in the news, we can find the energy to help each other. We have to.

There are so many negative things that can be said about this city, any city, but then our hearts open and we show up. There has been an endless year of bad Police coverage in the news in both the United States and Canada and then a story like this brings us back to the real deal, that the Police are witnesses to regular pains that we can't comprehend. Incidences and crimes and senseless deaths that would break us.

There are so many ways to look at life and then the Universe shakes us and we have to find gratitude for our small lives because we don't know what kind of traumas can be around the corner. We have to find a way to live in honesty, with compassion, with love. We have to realize that the minute we feel our connection to each other the less likely we are to continue to do terrible things to each other. And when we're kinder to each other we'll be kinder to animals and mother earth.

Even on the Oscars last night. It was the people who stood up and spoke for something more who received the real applause. Because it is time. It is time we accept each other. It is time that we respect and care for one another.

There are so many levels of us living in fear and living in anger and feeling abused and victimized and vilified. There is so much pain. We have to feel it in ourselves to see it in others. xo


09 February 2015

Over Sensitive Artist

I love Sia Furler's work.

I love her voice and I love her writing. If you go back to my straight for the knife blog entry, she had already affected me with saying what I was feeling about a man. It was painful at first but now I can listen to that song and feel the learning that went with that whole experience.

Last night I was over sensitive about some of the comments my friends were making about her performance on the Grammy's. Several people wrote similar statuses of, "What is this mess?"
I don't know it really upset me.

So I wrote a little comeback on facebook:

"So many people are posting about Sia in a negative way. I love her. She is an amazing songwriter and was only going to write and get out of performing for many reasons. How hard the industry can be on people, women in particular. Her problems with addiction. People not accepting her and her faring better as a writer...
I think about stage fright, and insecurities and still being able to find a way to perform because she turns her back on the audience. Performing through our fears. She has an amazing voice.
And I see the dance as the crazy mental chatter in our heads. People who go crazy. People who suffer from depression and paranoia. The thoughts, the crazy thoughts.
You don't have to like her but take a moment and think about what she is doing. She is an artist.
My grammys rant for the year."

A couple of people responded rather kindly. I don't think I was looking for a response per se. And I said, "all I wanted was people to think about it before they dismiss it. She touches me in my deep place where all my fears live and I want people to see that. They can continue on disliking her, of course, but I want them to at least see the validity of her work."

I think what is happening is that I am seeing myself as an artist again.

Recently, at work, the conversation came up about being mortgage poor. One of the managers said she couldn't do something because she was mortgage poor. I said I couldn't do it because I was music poor. I spend all my money on music.
Someone asked me if I downloaded music for free. "Hell no. I pay for other peoples work. I understand how hard it is to do the work. I understand how hard it is to be an artist and survive off the money you make off it. Heck I'm a discouraged artist and working here because I haven't had what it takes to be a paid, thriving artist."

My boss went into a long monologue about buying a whole album for one good song and yadda yadda yadda. I tuned him out.

There's no excuse for that now. You can buy one song.

I talk so much about healing and themes each year. And I'm slowly seeing that it's my artist that I'm starting to look at healing.

It's funny, as I wrote my little Grammys rant on facebook last night I forgot that Sia's album title is 1000 forms of fear. And yet in my facebook response I said, "She touches me in my deep place where all my fears live."

Yes fear and missing out on so many more flavours.
I've been a multi-talented person from when I was very little.
I always danced. I was the little girl who automatically started dancing to music even before I could speak. My mother would get me to dance in front of the grown ups and they would all watch me with big smiles. Dancing then was just moving up and down but I improved once I got older. I wanted to be a solid gold dancer. Dance training was never an option or even an idea of an option.

In grade 2 or 3, I discovered my singing voice. I can remember that singing class (there was such thing when I was a kid)when we sang the same song as a group and everyone turned around in class to look at me because my voice was louder than everyone else. My singing teacher encouraged me but I wasn't at that school long enough for it to move on to any real training or options. I went to three different schools in grade three. By the third school I was a quieter, shy, child. No one knew I could sing.

My mom would get me to sing in front of the company when she had parties. Often she would get me to sing, Firefly, to the record by The Temptations. It was her favourite song. My mother always wanted to be a singer. Her praise and criticisms were unpredictable. They would range from the sing to my friends to stop showing off, you don't even know what you are doing.

I used to draw. If you ever read my old blog entries you would know that both my brother and I would draw. My brother was the Picasso to my Charles Schultz. I could only draw cartoons. My brother could draw wild animals, people, landscapes and cartoons. Where my brother's drawings were put up around the house by my mother for admiration, my cartoons were completely ignored. So I gave up drawing and picked up writing.

I've been writing since I was 10 years old. I have been offered mentorships by professional writers three times in my writing life. I ran away in fear because a couple of people whose opinions I valued told me they were not interested in helping me, they were only interested in stealing my work.

I've been a blocked and creative artist interchangeably for my entire adult life. I am not blaming anyone, please understand. I am simply saying that I needed others to help me to believe enough in myself and my talents.
Those are a brief look into my fears.

Growing up being in love with music I could never understand why it was so hard to have easy access to all the types of music. You know, radio was top 40. My mom did play jazz on a Saturday afternoon or classical on a Sunday. Classical was annoying until it wasn't and so was jazz for that matter. Right?

As an adult as I listen to the music from my childhood I hear so much more because I have so much more experience and music knowledge. When I listen to Blood, Sweat & Tears song, Spinning Wheel, I don't hear it as a classic rock song, I hear it as a jazz piece. And Queen's, Somebody to Love, I hear as a gospel song.

I guess the more we know, the more we appreciate and the more we see.

The main reason I love Sia's performances is because she turns her back on the audience. She's telling me and every over-sensitive artist, in every performance that there are ways to still put our work out there and carry our fears along with us. We can bring the mental chatter and our crazy along with us.

I'm asking people to open your minds to the artists out there, even if you don't like them. And see the bigger picture.

We all say we're tired of the lowest common denominator ass shaking and boob revealing performances but we can't expect to get through that and past that until we start to see what options there can be out there. I only started to love movement theatre because I was exposed to it. It was a beautifully, brilliant piece done at a fringe show that Theatre Rusticle did called the Stronger. I didn't understand it for the first half of the show until I did. And then it was a cannonball through my soul. It blew me wide open.

We need to make a proper space for our artists. They chronicle our experiences. They help us to articulate our humanity. We can't simply dismiss someone's work with what is this mess?
The two friends who did respond to my facebook rant said they just didn't like the song. Mind you, they weren't the ones who said, What is this mess? So they were never the people I was talking to. You don't like the song, you don't like the song. That I can understand. That's specific.

What is this mess? I don't get why she's singing facing the wall and she has this child and woman making these frenetic moves. Then we're open for a dialogue. Open for interpretation. Open to learn.

What is this mess? A brilliant woman who is finding a way to put her work out there through 1000 forms of fear.


15 Songs you never knew were written by Sia

Criticism of Sia using 12 year old dancer Maddie

I have an Open Head and an Open Ajna

I started working with my open head (or crown). That's the top triangle. All the shapes/centers that are white are considered open or undefined. Because of that open, undefined, triangle I am prone to receiving mental pressure from others and often think that it is my pressure when it isn't. I get lost in all this mental dialogue, mental chatter that I think I have to figure out.
My biggest issue that I noticed I have is solving other peoples problems. I ask all these questions and I feel like I need to find the answers to these questions, not realizing that they're not my questions.
The hardest part is being able to allow those questions to flow through my thoughts and not become attached to them.

My head and those questions is not a place for me to work out what my next decisions are. And the moment I think it is the place is the moment I am overcome with mental anxiety. The moment I think that the questions are valid is the moment I am overcome with mental anxiety.

At work, it was the situation of not ever having been invited by my boss to share my ideas or opinions. I've understood that clearly since I've found out about Human Design. So I know I'm working in a situation where I haven't been invited. That tells me to be quiet. Don't volunteer information. Don't say what I think could be done to improve anything because I won't be heard. That was simple enough. The hard part was the question, How do I gain approval from a person who hasn't invited me?

Still not the clearest question because the question was more, how do I avoid having to listen to being told that I didn't do my work the right way, according to him? I've spent all this time second guessing how he wants me to do my job in order for him not to tell me that I didn't do it right. If I did this first then I'd find out that I should't have done this first. Can you see what happens with that kind of thinking? I'm rushing around trying to get everything done at once simply so I don't have to hear, "Why didn't you do this first? This is more important."

I'm running around in this circle of anxiety, trying to avoid another beat down of disapproval when I know full well that I know how to do my job. I go into stress mode because I'm going to receive another evaluation where I have to fight every negative bullet point of how I'm not very good at my job.

As I started studying what the undefined head center stood for I started to think, "wait a minute, if he's never invited me, he can never approve of me. If he can't approve of my work then no matter which way I do it, it will be wrong."

Damned if I do, Damned if I don't. hmm
If I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't then what do I do?
Don't do and don't don't. Get it?

I've always known what to do at this job. I know that certain projects have to be done by certain dates because accounting needs to process invoices based on my work by certain cut-offs, for example. These cut-offs are company wide. They are not arbitrary dates that can be pushed back and pushed back.

I've been second guessing my own work that I know, I know how to do because of all these questions in my head that have nothing to do with me. I know how to do my work. It is always accurate.
He will always voice his disapproval because there is no approval. What the hell am I getting stressed out for? I can't win.

The only valid question I need to answer, which I have, is do I know how to do my job right?
So, since I do know how to do my job right the only thing I need to do is do my job.

And that's what I've been doing since January. I've been simply doing my job. When he asks me if I've done something yet and I haven't, I inform him no and list all of the activities that are on my to-do list and when I plan on doing the activity he's asked me about. And I keep going on about my business.

I do not need to find answers to all these myriad of other questions that are not my questions.

I can use my open head to help me to relax, remind me to stay quiet (not initiate) and change my negative thoughts. I can use my open head to think about what I want to write.
My open head is good to help me to review but it doesn't help me to do.
Do not make decisions - I don't need to decide to quit my job, nor when I should quit my job. My head center can't help me with that. It's my strategy and authority that helps me with that decision. My strategy is to wait for an invitation and my authority is to find out within my emotional wave how I feel about that invitation.

My little mantra I wrote for myself regarding my open head center is be quiet and focus on my own projects. Think about my own projects. Not my questions, not my pressure, not my energy, not my chaos. I have to differentiate between what is theirs and what is mine. None of it is mine. Because I am open, it is coming into me and it is amplified. It is not mine.
The lesson is to become unattached and simply watch. Be quiet and focus on my own projects. Seeking his approval on the way I do my work is not my project. Doing my work accurately and within the set deadlines is my project.

With the Open Ajna (mind) center directly below the Head/crown center it's the mental pressure (the head) to find the right answers (the ajna).
The mental pressure questions that we think we need the right answers can fall into things like I have to be debt free before I have a baby or before I fall in love. I need to move into a bigger place before I start dating. I don't have to have an answer for everything or anything for that matter.

The Ajna, whether defined or undefined brings mental anxiety and fear. It just so happens that the undefined ajna's fear and anxiety is amplified because we are taking in so much more. We think we have to do this or that (whatever we name ii like x in a mathematical equation) in order to relieve the anxiety.

The combination of the two centers were causing me mental anxiety because I felt like I had to make decisions. I felt I had to fix things. I felt I had to do something to change what's been going on within the environment and only then would I feel okay.

I wrote up a bunch of notes for my open Ajna to help me to hone in on how all this pressure was feeding this anxiety that needn't be here

I do not have to do this (Quit my job; move away)
I do not have to do that (Get my life in order before I quit my job; move before I date)
I do not have to say that. I do not have to speak if I'm not invited. I do not have to help if I'm not invited. I do not have to find a way to resolve my issues at work. I let my strategy and authority decide how and when I speak. I don't have to rehearse possible answers to possible questions. If I make a rash decision about what I think I should do and follow through on it, I will replay that decision for the rest of my life. "Did I do the right thing? What if I had done it differently?"

Ask myself, Does this matter? Is this of value?
I can never be certain of anything I am not like everyone else and there is nothing wrong with that.
I don't need to be uncomfortable when I don't have an answer.
I simply need to learn how to be fully present instead of working to develop an answer or comment. (I was so anxious, I was always rehearsing in my head.)

I don't need to finish anyone's sentence. I can listen without impatience. I cannot solve my personal problems by figuring them out with the mind.

Studying those two centers has relieved me of so much angst.

I had that little conversation with myself like you have. There are two things that can happen here. I can quit my job or I can be fired. If he wants to fire me, he has to have a reason. If he doesn't have a reason then he has to pay me off. There are labour laws. I could quit, but there are still many good qualities about my job and so far, I haven't been invited to something new. And this job has really only been about this relationship. Well if all that is the case then I simply go to what I've always done in every job I've ever worked at. I simply do the best job I can do. And that's what I've been doing.

I stopped getting upset when decisions are made that I think, don't make sense. I remind myself that I'm not invited so there's no need to volunteer my "make sense" ideas because they won't be heard anyways. Ironically enough, we've been getting along much better.

A side note about invitations, in case I haven't explained them properly. If I had been invited then I wouldn't have to repeatedly be invited. I could go up to his office any time and say, I have an idea about saving our department money... Or I could email him and say, I was thinking of another way we could do this that might be quicker... And he would be open to 'hearing' what I had to say/email. Because I haven't received an invitation nor been recognized in knowing what I'm doing, if I volunteer, I am a nuisance.

Any of the notes I've gotten have been from the book I've been studying by Lynda Bunnell called Living Your Design. A Manual for Celular Transformation.

Previous blog entry about My Questions


04 February 2015

Playlists - side bar

2014 Playlist was "Lift Me Up"

1. Turn it Into Something Good - Earth, Wind & Fire
2. I'm Going all the Way - The Sounds of Blackness
3. Get Up - Amel Larrieux
4. You Can Do It - The Brand New Heavies
5. You Gotta Be - Des'ree
6. I Believe I can Fly - R. Kelly
7. On Top of the World -Imagine Dragons
8. Am I Wrong? Nico & Vinz
9. We Give You Thanks - The Sounds of Blackness
10. Please Take My Hand - The Sounds of Blackness
11. Happy - Pharrell Williams
12. You Can Make it if you Try - Sounds of Blackness
13. Yes We Can - Sounds of Blackness
14. Do it for love - Dannielle DeAndrea
15. Superwoman - Alicia Keys
16. Never Stop - Brand New Heavies
17. Optimistic - Sounds of Blackness
18. Stand - Sounds of Blackness
19. His Eye is on the Sparrow - Lauryn Hill
20. Magic - Olivia Newton-John
21. Your wish is My Command - Sounds of Blackness

2015 Playlist is "FUNK"
1. Affection - Tamara & the Seen
2. Lost You - Zed's Dead
3. I love Myself - Kendrick Lamar
4-7. Uptown Funk - Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars
Uptown Funk plays 4 times in a row, if that can't get me going, I'm the walking dead!
8-11 Check up on it - Beyonce and Slim Thug
12. Holdin on - Flume
13. Still Got Me - Mark Ronson featuring Daniel Merriweather
14. If you want me to stay - Eric Benet
15. One more day - Glenn Lewis
16. Tell me Something Good - Rufus and Chaka Khan
17. Ain't off to the back - Ben L'oncle Soul
18. Ain't no other man - Christina Aguilera
19. Groove Thang - Zhane
20. Hey Mr. DJ - Zhane
21. We run this - Missy Elliott
22. Love will never do without you - Janet Jackson
23. When I think of you - Janet Jackson
24. There you Go - Pink
25. Raise your Glass - Pink
26. Funhouse - Pink
27. Love you Honey - Randy & the Gypsys
28. High wire - Ernie Isley
29. All about that Bass - Meghan Trainor

That's just a taste. There's 252 songs in the playlist. I've been listening to it daily and tweaking it, like putting Uptown Funk and Check up on it 4x's in a row. And it was originally only funk but it really is more dance than strictly funk.

Do you have a playlist for the year to set the tone?


Being Here

The above quote and picture came from Jovian Archive

I'm feeling like I'm in 2015 energy and out of 2014 energy. Thank goodness. I was happy to see that year behind me. Mind you, It was a big learning year for me but you know what that often means right? The learning curve came with much pain. But like that GoDaddy.com commercial that makes me laugh 2014 can stick it! Stick it! Ha-ha!

I'm in my personal 3 year of Numerology and although I don't have many notes on my previous personal 3 years there are some great themes:

1988 - at 24 years old - I left my job as a nanny to 8 children.
I started a part time job at a bowling alley where I subsequently got bar-tending experience that experience subsequently got me a job as a waitress/bartender and then restaurant assistant manager and brought me downtown. And a co-worker at that job got me into working at a performing arts centre of which I've had a job within the performing arts either full-time or part-time ever since. You just don't know the gifts one little part-time job can give you. All the theatre and musicals and dance that I've watched because of my jobs and the people I've met including eventually my Australians!

I met one of the Warren Beatty's of Straight for Knife blog entry that year.

1997 - at 33 years old - I ditched the other Warren Beatty once and for all.
I spread my mom's ashes in Montreal

2006 - at 42 years old - It was a fun year.
I worked the final children's festival of one of the performing arts centres that I'd worked at for over 10 years. Every children's festival I'd worked I'd always get scheduled with the crappy guy. Everyone would be scheduled with their buddies and they'd ask me, "what did you do wrong that you have to suffer that punishment?" When I finally brought it up on the previous year, I was told that not every one could be scheduled with their friends. "You have to understand that we need people in specific places. It's not personal." But EVERY YEAR?!?
So for the final year I gave availability that made it impossible for me to be scheduled in the shitty position. It was my nice way of saying that the years of taking advantage of my accommodating nature were over.

And now we're in 2015 and I'm thinking of my personal 3 options. Thinking of what no longer serves me. Those were the themes of the previous 3 years. How might I begin something new, with a foot in the door, and what gifts might come with that beginning? Or better yet, what invitations might come with my preparation for them?

As I move into 2015 energies, I feel like I resolved the issues and blocks of the previous Warren Beatty with the help of George Clooney. He really did serve a fine purpose. I'm living comfortably with the knowledge that he is not for me. I've watched myself through a very important cycle, a full cycle with him. I don't feel any bitterness about it whatsoever and I understand emotionally that my cycle (It's actually called a wave in Human Design) is at the very least one full year. The brilliant thing is that we've gotten to a point where I can ask him questions and he answers them. It's like that episode of Sex & the City when Burger tells Miranda, "He's just not that into you." And she says,"Thank you! That information is so freeing."
Why doesn't he call when he says he's going to? He's just not that into you...

Old things I've learned about myself prior to starting this Human Design journey are being confirmed again and again with the HD experiment.

Things like:
- I need to know what a person wants from me so I can say either yes or no. In HD, it's the invitations of course there's the proper recognition of me that goes hand in hand.

- Something my mother told me when I was a young child, "You have to learn how to play solitaire. You have to know how to have fun all by yourself." In HD, it's what do I do while I wait for the invitations.

- I've always had a delayed reaction before I know how I feel. It can take me days to know How I really feel about a situation. In HD, My delayed reaction is my emotional wave.

- Be seen and not heard; Don't speak until spoken to. A childhood mantra I was raised on. And ironically enough in HD it's about me not initiating. I have to wait for the invitation. I have to be recognized first otherwise it's disastrous.

- Whenever I'm really happy in my life and I've got things going on is when men/people/friends approach me. In HD, the best quote that resonated with me is, "A Projector happily engaged and intrigued pulls the interest of others to them." I'm the person quietly reading on a flight somewhere and every body keeps asking, "What are you reading?" or saying, "Oh you look engrossed."

- I've always been an aloof person. I've never been one who makes friends quickly because I know that the energy of the wrong people wears me out. In HD, Tune into subtle energies to get the cooperation and attention to fulfill your purpose. Pause to assess situations and intentions of others.

So yes, Human Design is still on my roster. I think I'll make another blog entry to discuss my Head Center which has cleared up my mental anxieties because -- they weren't mine!

I usually have a specific theme for my year or a knowledge of what it will be but so far it feels wide open. When I listen to my intuition I hear words like Love, Self-Care, Faith. Faith has been coming up a lot. But more like faith in the process. I get a sensing, they tell me, 'it looks like chaos but have faith. When it's time, you'll understand.'
So I believe, I surrender, I find my faith.

There's a newness. It's like everything has been interwoven and all I have to do right now is simply Be Here.
Be here with the noise. Be here with the peace. Be here.
And as I'm here, I bring music with me. Where last year's playlist was called, Lift me Up, and it was filled with gospel music and songs of positivity this year's playlist is called , FUNK, and it's all about dancing.

I haven't talked about dreams in a long time. Hmm, Have I ever? LOL! Anyway, I've kept dream journals since I was in my early 20s. Dec 1996 is when my mom passed away, which was my personal 2 year and last year was my personal 2 year. In my dream on the early morning of the day of her death, last December, I dreamt about pandas. Playful, baby, pandas. I got off the public transit to help their caregivers coral them all to safety because they were running around playfully in the streets. One of the pandas jumped into my arms for a cuddle.

I love bears. I've always known that one of my animal spirits is the bear. It's been interchangeably a black or brown bear. It's been with me since childhood. When I'm/ it's scared it rushes at what scares us, then stands up on its hind legs and makes itself as big as possible. It lets you know don't fuck with us. We will do damage. It only comes out then. It came out most recently a couple summers ago when a man scared me in the grocery store. He backed away quickly. There is a polar bear too that joined up with us around 2006 but that bear is really quiet, still. The elephants joined me around 2010 (Thursday and Good Friday). There are quite a few elephants I still don't know how many. And Ganesha joined me by 2011, I think. The baby Ganesha in my dreams. A little playful guy, really adorable, who I could sense was telling me, "I go where ever you go." And a giant, adult Ganesha who leans in the doorway when I go for my massages and simply waits for me so I can really go deep into my relaxation.

And the cuddling, baby pandas that my mother sent me on the anniversary of her death. I originally thought it was simply to help me to cope with the day especially since I'd had nightmares every night leading up to the date. Because Pandas? Adorable! :-D But then as I researched pandas I realized that Panda is my animal spirit for my Human Design journey. So many of the things that my mother taught me, when I was a child, that upset me, are now turning out to be the perfect training for this Projector trip.

The Panda is about finding pleasure in what you are doing, not multi-tasking or over-working or being busy. Conserving energy; waiting and patience. And they can be as fierce as a tiger (the projector anger or bitterness.)

Dancing and Waiting Patiently and Being Here.


19 January 2015

Aquarius New Moon Jan 20th, 2015 8:14 am EST

Tomorrow is the new moon in Aquarius.

It was Astrologer Dawn who got me into making the 10 New moon wishes with each new moon and last year I started building on the previous ones each month and keeping track.

Some notes from her email:
Each new Moon we all have the opportunity to make 10 wishes around the sign for that month. These 10 wishes need to be made within 48 hours of the New Moon and need to be in writing.

Aquarius possesses qualities of uniqueness, inventiveness, originality, flair, experimentation and friendliness. Aquarius energy allows you to embark on new friendships and new projects this month. The stubbornness of Aquarius can be used to stick to your plan of action that allows you to live more of a life that's congruent with who you are.

Do you want to create the opportunity to apprentice in a career about which you have passion? Are you drawn towards an unusual or unique group that plans on changing the world for the better? Then get involved.

Career and Income producing area of your life. This is the New Moon that will give your imagination a boost on how you can create work that is fulfilling as well as income producing.

Assess whether you have true friendships in your relationships. If not, what's your plan for moving on?
When creating wishes in an Aquarius period around relationships it's best to focus on the friendship part of the relationship. Get clear about the type of relationship you want with each individual in your life. Look at hose relationships with honesty and decide if they are staying or going. If they are staying then you will have to have more fun in your intimate relationships and there needs to be more spontaneity. Create a wish around having fun with your partner. You might write something like, "I easily find myself enjoying the adventures that ______ and I have together." If you are looking for a relationship then, "I want to easily attract a mate who is a friend first."

Action - Write out a list of characteristics, values and beliefs as well as interest that you are looking for in a friend or partner. What do you want?

Make sure the wishes are about you and what you want rather than what you want for someone else.

And in April Elliott Kent's New Moon pdf some notes include:

Things to Initiate (From the Aquarius New Moon up to the Full Moon)
- Websites, podcasts, radio shows, new media
- clubs and organizations
- regular activities with groups of friends
- activism
- long-range goals
- finding an audience for your creative projects - especially the ones you initiated during the Leo New Moon

Things to Finish (Between the Full Moon and the Pisces New Moon)
- social connections that no longer suit you
- groups that don't honor your individual contributions
- goals that no longer reflect what you truly want to accomplish
- things you do simply to 'satisfy the audience,' but that don't reflect your creative spirit.

The New Moon Phase
Start fresh: The week following the New Moon is always the best time of the month to start new things. Initiate your vision for the month ahead. Make a list of your goals for this month. Then create a second list of somewhat longer-term goals that you'll review six months from now.


03 January 2015

What are my Questions?

3Jan15 Saturday

There's a bit of a blizzard outside. Our first for 2015. a perfect Saturday afternoon is being able to look out the window at the blizzard and not be in it. haha!

I'm still quietly moving along with my experiential learning of Human Design. Knowing the centers are next on my list to incorporate on the experiment I've been living. It's so funny too because I finally came up with an answer yesterday that brought the pendulum swinging from the extremes down into the middle territory.

You know how New Years go, I've been thinking about my focus in my Personal 3 year. Now that I've resolved some of the stuff of 2014 how do I move forward? With the Straight for the Knife guy, (S for KG Blog entry), we seem to have found a comfortable space with each other. He's opened up a whole lot and I notice something about myself.

I am filled with so many questions. I always have been. It's the questions that pull me out of my retreat to help others. It's the questions that I feel so strongly that I need to find the answers to. The questions can distract me and I can run off for years taking care of the wrong people, not being focused on myself.

You're having troubles with your in-laws? What solutions can I help you find to make your relationships with them work? Or how can we find the words for you to approach this subject with your husband/wife without alienating him or making him feel he has to choose between you and his parents? I am not well! ha-ha!

With the Knife guy, after a year of interesting interactions, we have more and more honest conversations everyday. In my maze of questions I've had many questions for him. Not about me, mind you, but questions on how to solve some of his situations. It's so weird because I'm at a rubbery detached place with him. I'm willing to be friendly. I understand that given our situation, how we are often thrown together, I have to find my comfortable place. I can no longer have designs on this person. And that's where the rubbery detached comes in because I am detached but I know how easy it is for me to be drawn back in.

We've had a couple weeks break from each other and I notice that his questions keep jumping around in my thoughts. His questions. How am I going to remain detached when I keep asking myself these questions? I'm involved in this. I have a stake in figuring things out.

Last night I journaled about energy. I've always noticed energy but in 2014 I made it more of a study. Sometimes I can feel anxious when I'm around a certain group of people and then I realize I'm not actually anxious I'm simply feeling the energy of the group. There's the energy of the wall, the closed down energy of workers towards their boss. There's the energy of fear that filters through the group. It was with the fear, one day, when I mentioned a few things/actions of others that went with it, the person looked at me like I was crazy and I realized, you can't feel that? Not every one can feel energy in the way that I do.

I spent serious time asking myself in 2014, 'Is this my energy?'

I spent time noticing energies that were inviting. Energies that spoke. There was a moment when I slipped with my boss after he'd asked me how I was and I started to complain about a work frustration and I felt his energy say,"Fuck! Why did I ask her that?" ha-ha! I stopped in mid-sentence and ended with, "I'll figure it out," so he could make a hasty retreat from my office. Which he did.

It's funny. It brings me back to being a quiet child. The time my mother said to her party guests, "If Shelley doesn't talk to you then I know there's something wrong. That child has a sense about her."

So as I come back to an old realization that I feel these energies and not everyone can feel them in the way that I do, yesterday I finally asked, What is my question?

If I'm going to find a way to remain detached from this person who has to be in my life I have to realize that all these questions are not my questions. They're his questions.

To remain detached from him and from everyone who distracts me, I have to ask myself, what are my questions?
If these are your questions, do I have to answer them? NO! If this is the energy of the room or the group, do I need to take it on? No. I just simply observe, wait for an invitation or not, accept it or not.

As we move into the new year energies and we get back to near daily contact I can go in and ask myself, is that my question? What is my question?

And that crazy rigmarole is me approaching learning about the Head (Crown) center and Ajna (Mind) center.
Being focused on other peoples inspiration, answering other peoples questions.
Both of my centers are undefined. Defined is when they are coloured in and undefined is when they are open or white. Obviously there's different meanings if they're defined or undefined.

So that's what I'm dealing with for the next while. Reading about centers and testing the information experientially as part of my experiment.


28 December 2014

Being Human

Spent a very lazy day yesterday. I'm learning how to be lazy without guilt tripping myself.
I've been watching the Blue Bloods marathon. Why? I have no clue but watching it (anything) is teaching me that I have way too much mental chatter simply because it's starting to calm it.

One of the episodes made me wish I was able to articulate my truth when I was a teenager. Erin's 16 year old daughter, Nicky, wants to go to a college party and of course her mother has said no. Nicky goes to her grandfather (The Police Commissioner) for his help. She tells him something like, "I've done everything that's ever been asked of me to the extent where all my friend's parents say, 'why can't you be more like Nicky.' I've never done anything to make you embarrassed. At what point do you start to trust me?"

At what point do you start to trust me? Brought a little tear to my eye. There were so many restrictions in my child hood home especially on me and I was the good kid.

I've been watching child hood stuff come up at work. I said recently to a co-worker, "It's like we never escape being children. We still have to give that fake smile and fake, Thank You, because being honest makes us seem like we're difficult people or we're ingrates."

The Christmas parties were a big thing this year. The invitations are emailed out for the Company party, the Team party and the party that we extend to our service providers. Our guys are the worst for responding to (or not responding to) invitations. How many times I've said, "Guys just click accept or decline and call it a day." They simply rebel against it. Then it turns into a thing where I have to become the babysitter because I'm "asked" to find out who is going and who isn't. I have to ask Grown men.

I compile a list and send it to all interested parties and then we're still continually asked, "Are you going, Are you going?"

Anyway one of the guys, 'Andrew', has never been the guy to participate. In the 14 years I've been there he's never been to the Company Christmas party. He's attended a handful of the team parties and he usually avoids the SP party (he's been to two). He's not the guy to attend these things can we just let him be?

He is asked every year if he's attending and if the answer is no, he is guilt tripped. These things are planned for you guys, you're not social enough, you're ungrateful blah, blah, blah.

For whatever reason this year every body comes to complain to me about him. Complain!
I've tried to explain him away. I've said you know you have to understand he's had a rough year. His dad has been sick. Or, He's not always in the mood to be social. I've explained that he's been trying really hard and participating when he's not really the guy to participate. And finally I just came right out and said, "Why can't he just say no? Why does he need to explain himself? He's a grown man. And quite frankly there's always so much pressure."

After the year I've had I'm turning to the place of living a life less bullshit. I'm getting tired of sugar coating what I think and how I feel.

They really put so much pressure on something that is supposed to be FUN! At our team party someone said, "We should have set up the seating so that everyone was alternated between the Operations and the Management office."

I'm like, Why? Why can't I sit with whoever I want to sit? Now you're telling me who I can sit with? "That idea right there is why Andrew isn't here."

Like children we have to continue to smile. Smile through bullshit pressure to be social on our own time and possibly have to sit beside someone who fucks with us all year round.
Like children we have to show we know how to take a joke when the boss blatantly insults us in front of everyone, but it's only a joke.

I was telling Andrew the next day, "the fucking picture taking did me in. Did me in!"
We're in a dinner atmosphere and our pictures are being taken by one of the staff. She criticizes me because I don't like having my picture taken. I say, Okay you've taken 4 pics of me, you can leave me alone now. But it's too bad for me that I'm assertive enough to say I don't want to have my picture taken. I must be mocked. She yells my name across the restaurant and continues on taking pictures. There are a good 25 people there. Once the food comes, please don't take pictures of me eating. I had to sit there for 2 minutes before I could bite into my food while she took pictures.

Life is so bizarre. We can spend so much time faking it.


05 November 2014

Straight For the Knife - Romantic Invitation?

It's an energetic invitation. the energetic invitations always get me in trouble. I'm learning that I can no longer entertain an energetic invitation.
You know the ones. He hovers around the vicinity a little longer, past the end of a valid request. I have to ask every single time, "Did you need something else?"
He has a little grin. Shy. He looks up like he's seriously thinking about the answer and then , "No ,no, I think that's it."
I'm a little slow. I never think anyone is interested in me until I think someone is interested in me. He has to hover a long time and consistently before I even start to clue in.

The energetic inviter is really the guy who uses innuendo as his weapon. He never comes right out and says anything specific. His interest hangs in the air waiting for me to meet up with it. My problem is that I believe that if he shows an interest and I have a reciprocating interest, my natural move is to show enough of an interest as acknowledgement that I'm willing to at least start the dance. Nothing is ever that simple.
I have marveled at the amount of people who jump into relationships quickly and have long-term relationships. I have never been that person. It has never been as simple as meeting a guy and it goes from there. Never!

The gift in all of this interaction with the hovering man is having him as a practice person to work my Human Design out on. The importance is in understanding how detrimental it can be plugging into the wrong person. Allowing the wrong person into my personal life.

I swear I was listening to this Sia song one night and I found it to be the perfect metaphor a charming, seemingly shy man who shows up and gets a Projector woman's hopes up ...I've put the lyrics in quotes.

Put on my best dress, I wanted to impress
I put a little make-up on
Put a bow in my hair, wore pretty underwear
hoping you might take it off
Don't know your etiquette but
I'm strapped to my chair, and it ain't 'cos you're pretty
You were charming, until
You saw your chance to kill, your chance to make history.

I've been reading about Projectors. The warning is that we wait so long between invitations that we get excited when we are finally invited. I think that is where the energetic invitations get me in trouble. I know it's an invitation. We both know it's an invitation. But there is a missing ingredient.
I'm so cheerfully willing to get to know this man and it's like the moment I show that willingness he becomes too sure of himself. Like I'm a done deal when I'm so far from it. Buddy I have to get to know you first.
It's funny how I can be the most difficult person to get to know with people in general. With non-romantic options, I can make it next to impossible to get to know me. I understand how people can wear me out so I don't accept too many people into my personal space. I know how much I give emotionally to my people and how trying it can be. I'm always at the ready to be there whenever I'm needed. I can't be that person for just anyone. With a man, if I've asked myself about my level of interest, I can be so willing to believe that what I want is possible, if he'd just...
There have been some great signs from him but they are simply short lived. His follow through is a mess. A chaotic, confusing mess.
And so we approach the beginning of the end. I lose faith in him.

You went straight for the knife, and I prepared to die
your blade it shines
looked me straight in the eye, you turned the gas on high
held the flame alight, you wonder why
I'm scared of fire
you wonder why you make girls cry.

I've listened to Ra Uru Hu's recording about Projectors and some of what I loved was that he said, "You know that you know about the other." There can be a sense that it's not the proper recognition, not the right person but I ignore it. I want to try to make things fit. Ra's comment that I re-wrote in my notes, "I am here to recognize when the right person shows up. I don't go to find him. The other is so important and it's often the wrong other - which puts a projector into bitterness. We do a lousy job in picking partners because we shouldn't look for them, we are here to be found."
I've wondered if he was just trying to see if he could get my interest. And that was all he needed.
I can remember with an ex-boyfriend how I could always tell when he was talking to a woman on the phone. It was that tone of voice.
It's that innuendo. He had a girlfriend, me, why did he need to speak to other women in that tone of voice? Was he setting up the groundwork to have someone at the ready if things didn't work out with us?

This man talks to me in that certain way that's not professional and not that of just a buddy.

When we have contact with each other, everything is so intense. It's a good intense. It makes me feel alive, it makes me feel good. And there is a promise of more to come, like he means it and then there is radio silence. The contact is unpredictable. Never there when I say okay to his promise, always there when I don't seem to care about his promise. It's such a great lesson for me because I've dated this guy repeatedly. The more this man is around me and not around me I see so clearly this timeline of the same boyfriends who I had the inkling weren't for me but I went out with them anyway. I call it George Clooney in the Role of Warren Beatty.

I love the information about Projectors plugging into others. Aside from what I mentioned earlier about how people can wear me out, that part I understand, the scary part is when it feels good and then it's abruptly pulled away. I wrote in my journal, "Maybe it's just an addiction to your energy. We all know about addictions, right? They are not good for us. They deplete us. They shame us."

My Mascara a mess, harsh words for your princess
boy, you and your promises
if your goal was to love, you scored an epic mess
now you'll just have memories

Projectors, we think a person is one thing and they are something else.
It was the day that I called him a nick name that he didn't love. I said I'd decided that he would be my little brother. I wasn't just putting him in the friend zone, I was putting him in the not an option for sexual intimacy zone. Only then did he volunteer that he was in a non serious relationship, aka friends with benefits, more harshly, fuck-buddies. Projectors are not meant to be fuck buddies. I don't think. Anyway it's not my game, not my thing. It certainly doesn't endear me to a man.

Men who have fuck buddies learn how to treat women like they are disposable. That kind of man doesn't know what to do when he gets a good woman. He's so used to picking the low hanging fruit he doesn't know how to make the effort to pick the fruit from the top of the tree and he doesn't feel like he has to bother.

You went straight for the knife, and I prepared to die
your blade it shines
looked me straight in the eye, you turned the gas on high
held the flame alight, you wonder why
I'm scared of fire
you wonder why you make girls cry

Boy, you draw me back in
I'm hungry for your bad loving
but will someone find me swinging from the rafters
from hanging on your every word.

The lesson brings me in so many directions.
How good an energy from another person can feel that can pull me into a dangerous place emotionally. What I know about myself and learned long before Human Design is that my recovery time is long. I've never been the person who went out with a lot of men or jumped from relationship to relationship because I'm not built for it.
An energy can feel so good that I can lead myself to believe that he'll improve, he'll change, if I just wait it out. He just doesn't know what he wants yet, right? Ha!
When I was in my 20's I had the energy to date this guy. That was how I learned what I know now. When I was 22 and he talked to other women with that tone of voice, I just had to be cool, not jealous, he'd realize that I was the catch. He simply needed to sow his wild oats. When I was 25 and he wasn't a person of his word, I thought if I acted cool he would come around more consistently. I knew never to make a big deal about it. I knew that it was up to me, it was my behaviour that would get him to change his.
I was well-versed in all the ways to take my own recognition out of the equation. I forgot about my own power because I was so busy feeling insecure chasing after people who didn't value or recognize me.

I've played a lot with this interaction. I've tested my feelings within his energy. I see how the energy pull is so easy to get swallowed up in. I can easily be pulled back in. The moment I feel that I mention his fuck buddy to him but I call her his girlfriend.
"Oh you went scuba diving this weekend? Did you go with your girlfriend?"
"I don't have a girlfriend."
Girlfriend is my safe word. It's the reality check that helps me to stay in my field of knowing that I have to reject this person. He is just a test.

I firmly believe the quote from Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist, "What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream."

I feel like this whole interaction falls into that quote. The best part is that the man has become more and more beautiful to look at as the months have passed. He has become more physically attractive. I swear he's grown taller. ha-ha! It wouldn't be a good test, a good lesson otherwise.

You went straight for the knife, and I prepared to die
your blade it shines
looked me straight in the eye, you turned the gas on high
held the flame alight, you wonder why
I'm scared of fire
you wonder why you make girls cry.

In my journal I wrote, Reading Paulo Coehlo's the Alchemist and the boy meets Fatima and ultimately admits that he will have to leave to seek his treasure but he will be back for her. That whole sequence brought me to writing this: I've always known I'd have to wait and the fearful question was, 'What if I have to wait forever? What if he never comes back? (that's the Great Gatsby and Wuthering Heights - He came back but neither woman waited). Now I understand that it's in the recognition of the other that will tell me and how I feel will help me to decide.

With George Clooney (this current man), the Universe is asking me, Have you learned your lesson? Are you willing to love yourself this time around? And when you put it that way, I have to love myself. I have to step forward, then step away and not look back.

With Warren Beatty (the ex), most recently, I have had to keep rejecting him and rejecting him and his invitations have been filled with full out recognition of the type of person I am. But in my heart, I've had to turn him down because he has never given me the one consistent show of action that he meant what he said. I've found that I will have to do the same with George Clooney.

My confession is that I am sad because he is so beautiful and physical and macho. He is such a guy. And boy do I ever want to know what he's like in every possible way... to feel the way he would touch me...AND THAT'S WHERE THE TROUBLE BEGINS!!! All those good feelings go with a man who cherishes me and protects my delicate, sensitive heart. A man who recognizes me and gives me the formal invitation that is just right for me.


30 October 2014


Thursday 30Oct14 10:30pm

The best vacation is when you don't know the date. I have to check the calendar every single morning. It's been a good feeling. I've been on vacation since Wednesday the 22nd and am off until November 4th.
It's been such a great break from focusing on the experiment, from focusing on being a projector. Although I have been listening to Human Design recordings, it's still been a good break.

I think the main reason is that I'm away from all the junk from work. In the middle of telling my boss, on my last day of work, that the woman who does the invoicing actually had access to a certain work system he cut me off to say fairly loudly, "Do you know how busy she is?" He didn't give me a chance to say what I was trying to say which was, if the approval hadn't gone through by end of day, the woman who does the invoicing has access to the system so she will have to check to see if it's approved because I won't be there to check it. That's all. But somehow I'm accusing her of not doing her job or something. sigh. Nothing like being in a place where you're not valued.

So it's been a great break from that. And all through my vacation I haven't worried about invitations at all. I've been attending the International Festival of Author's as I've done for close to 20 years now. I don't worry about interactions with others for the most part. Of course I know a lot of people there. So I receive a lot of welcoming smiles. But I really do stick to myself. One of my guys at work called it my reading week. I like that.

I've been a bit of a hermit in public. I don't initiate conversations. I walk around in my own little bubble. It is good.

I've been relaxing into the fact that I need/ want a new career/job, a new place to live, that the man who has seemed closest to a love interest is really not the right man although highly charismatic and attractive. It's weird to feel so good around a person and yet...so many things are just not right.

Since I've embraced the fact that 2014 is an alone year I've been having a ball. I went to Stratford, Ontario three weekends in a row. I saw A Midnight's Summer Dream; Hay Fever and Crazy for You. I tell you the Stratford Direct Bus has been a godsend. It's nice to be able to climb on the bus and get dropped off in front of the three theatres. Easy Schmeasy. Although the person sitting beside me has been a crap shoot. I had to give a guy shit for reading over my shoulder. "Buddy, I have to hide my personal writing because you don't have any manners? Shouldn't you be talking to your girlfriend over there?" His girlfriend gave him the look, he stopped reading over my shoulder. I think he was hoping that I would change seats so they could sit together. I get places early so I can sit where I want. I don't give up my seat to people who show up at the last minute and think they are entitled. Okay, okay, steps down from soapbox. :)

I went to see a friend and co-worker from my part time job do her stand up. It was part of a stand up competition. My co-worker is 22 years old. It was a great funny night. I felt special too. When I met her mother she said, "I can finally put a face to the name. My daughter talks a lot about you." It was a nice feeling. Sometimes I feel so bogged down in being around people who don't want me there, it's nice to know that some people do value my presence. It was also nice to see her gratitude in having me show up for her. She had so many friends there but she made it a point to tell me that night and again when I saw her at work how grateful she was that I'd take the time to see her perform.

One of the things I did notice from the Author's festival is that I do feel a bit of a surge of energy from being around so many people each day although it varies, I have felt tired as well. I'm thinking that I may become one of those people who goes to a coffee shop to write. Make use of the energy surge of others to my advantage yet not have to talk to anyone.

One of the benefits of following Human Design is that I feel as though it has given me permission to write. The key direction is that a projector focus on their passion, what they love, while they wait for the pertinent invitations. It really feels like the invitation I've always needed. I've spent so much time looking for the right job and being practical about my life and following the conditioning of parents and society that we need to live our lives following certain things. Well that hasn't worked for me anyways. Following my passions feels so much clearer.

It's good to get clarity on not worrying all the time. That feeling that I have to continue on in a certain direction just because. Who knows what my future has in store for me but I'll face each change as it happens instead of being focused on what ifs. I don't know who said it but I'm feeling it, "Do what they ask you to do until you can do what you want to do."

Of course when I go back to work I will have my evaluation. That should prove interesting. Last year he made up a bunch of bogus criticisms that he had to erase from my eval because I shot holes in each one of his criticisms. No doubt there will be more this go round. It seems to be the thing. I keep hoping that he'll find a way to give me three years pay as severance and I can skip my little black ass out of there for good. ha-ha! You never know.

And so it goes. A long weekend left of vacation and back to grind, hopefully maintaining the better state of emotions.

I'm hoping to blog about the man soon from the Human Design lense. I have a lot of notes. He has been a great gift.


07 October 2014

Human Design - The Experiment

Hey, What's Your Sign?

I've always loved Astrology. I like to find out what sign a person is. I like to have an idea of what a person might be like, of who I'm relating to. Of course I know that a person is more than simply a Taurus, that the deeper we delve into a person's full chart ,as opposed to simply their Sun sign, the more we can know about a persons possibilities. Some people still think that if you believe in Astrology that you're flaky but more and more people know their signs if you ask them. Some people will tell you their sign but will add the comment, "but I don't believe in it."

I get that.

To me Astrology is like creating a character for a novel. It's a part of figuring out what kind of person Kali is going to turn out to be. What's her personality. How does she view the world. Is she a sensitive Pisces? A witty, glib Gemini? a Passionate Leo?

I actually see that Astrology was a natural interest for me. There was so much confusion growing up. Confusion with people and who was going to be a good person and who would turn to violence to manipulate and who could betray your confidence and the multitude of options that people use to relate. When I meet people they really are characters to me until they become full fledged human beings. I create a profile of them in my thoughts and rule in beliefs about their personalities. Or rule out beliefs.

I think learning more about Astrology over the 30 or so years that I've been interested in it could be called an experiment. I find out what sign a person is and I notice what similarities that person has to other Aquarians I've met. The certain antics I've noticed that all Pisces men pull when they are playing at romantic interest versus the Pisces man who has a genuine interest. A pisces man will flirt, flirt, flirt and then when you show him an interest, when you want him to shit or get off the pot he'll turn around and say he has a girlfriend. But he won't come right out and say that directly. He'll say something like, "I've got this good thing going and I can't mess it up." or "My ex-girlfriend and I hang out together with our daughters. We lie in bed naked and ..." some random thing about their daughters coming into the bedroom and one daughter asks why are you naked and the other daughter knows why. You have to sit with it for awhile, asking yourself, "What does that mean?" before it sinks in. In other words, they have convoluted ways of telling you they are taken.

Anyway It's a long preamble to say that as I read other blogs and websites about The Human Design system that the thing I like the most is that just about everyone talks about it as the experiment. Because really we can only test things out and see if they are true for us or not. So I'm in the experiment. I'm looking back at where I've been invited and trying to understand the depth of invitations.

I've been looking at my full time job for instance. When I applied to work there it wasn't the first job I'd applied for. I had actually applied for a completely different position at another building. I was interviewed by three people at once. A nerve-wracking experience for sure. One of the interviewers was really shy so I'd make eye contact with her whenever I felt nervous. One person I asked the pointed questions to because he talked the most and seemed like the person who would make the ultimate decision. And I'd look at the HR manager for reassurance because she always had a smile on her face. It took them four weeks and they still hadn't made a decision. The HR Manager gave me a call and said, "Listen, they are taking too long to make a decision and I don't want to lose you. I've got another position available. It's a one year contract and it's a foot in the door. Would you be interested in interviewing for that?"

She told me about the job, the requirements, which I had in droves and off I went. When I got the job I called Joyce to thank her for being the smiling face in my original interview. "You really helped me to feel comfortable enough for me to show my best side."
"I just knew you'd be a good fit."
I've been at that job now permanently since 2005 after I worked it twice on two separate contracts for my predecessor's mat-leave. It's been a fun job. It's had its challenges but it's been a fun time. I see as part of the experiment of being invited that I was actually invited to that job. And with all that is said about Projectors and the right invitations and being recognized, I see how that was a great fit.

In the recent few years, everything has changed. None of the original people who hired me are there anymore. There is a whole new batch of people and the realization that I haven't been invited. And every time I attempt to make things happen, if I voice my opinions there is resistance. If I ask for anything there is resistance. In Human Design terms it would be called initiating.

So now what? I'm learning that there is an expiry date on invitations. That just because an invitation is perfect at one time it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to last a lifetime. It's time to get silent and wait for the next invitation. And I'm learning how to be comfortable around people who haven't invited me. That means keeping my mouth shut. Even if I have an idea on how to do things a better way, a more efficient way, a different way. With tests, I've watched how my emails are completely ignored. It was upsetting at first but now I see that I don't have to waste a lot of energy in trying to get my views across on deaf ears. Nor feel jarred by resistance.

As part of the experiment, I keep quiet. I stick to my office and do my job and as Bill Cosby would say, "just wait for my name."

A Projector's theme is bitterness. If I continue to bang my head against the wall, initiate, voice my opinions on deaf ears and meet the resistance, my natural progression would be to devolve into bitterness. I admit, I was going there. But I don't love bitterness. It feels crappy. It's exhausting and I have so many other interests. So I'm experimenting with simply being. And noticing energy.

There's a feeling of being invisible when I'm around people who didn't invite me there. It's interesting. I may start to say something and notice that no one is paying attention to me. I'll smile and say to myself, "You've got the invisibility cloak on." And then I'm happily silent. It's been saving me a whole lot of grief.


07 September 2014

A Need to Retreat

I just finished watching an interview of Paulo Coelho by Oprah Winfrey on her Super Soul Sunday.
It amazes me that I haven't read the Alchemist yet. But I will, of course, I have the book.

He has some gems, some words that help me to formulate in my mind, in my heart, what I want out of my life.
It's been a challenging year this 2014 Personal 2 year. It's been challenging because I've been so stubbornly fighting against all that was happening. I didn't want it this way. I didn't want this to be such a solitary year. I am 50 years old now. I wanted this to be a very social year of celebrations and laughter and change. I was caught off guard that my time in Australia was the big social, celebratory, laughter filled opportunity and that was all I was going to get for the entire year. I'm hurt. I want more, I'm not getting it.

I've finally stopped struggling, like you do eventually. It was that silent whisper that's been following me around like the perfect gust of wind at the perfect time. The whisper has been following me and I've been trying to shake it off. I just couldn't, I didn't want to hear it. I'm not prepared in any way for what I know deep down it has to say. And then I saw the message pictured above: I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I'm tired.

I'm tired. And I'm willing to say the whisper out loud. "I don't belong here anymore."
The year would have gone by so much easier if I'd simply paid attention to all the signs the Universe has been giving me since April of this year. Perhaps I could have used the past months to prepare myself. But life happens as it happens.

I had a good cry with a girlfriend on August 8th when I listed off how shitty things have been. That I've learned to avoid the passive aggressive punishments of the boss by practicing what I'd learned as a child. Being seen and not heard. And when I'm really good, not being seen nor heard.

There is so much fear and anger out there. I can't be the sponge for it anymore. I can't guide anyone in my immediate environment to understand that there's another perspective because they don't want to hear it, see it, believe in it.
We all want to place blame because it's easier than facing what we're hiding from ourselves.

I don't belong here anymore and I don't know where I'm supposed to go next. I haven't heard it yet. So I wait.

I've been studying Human Design for the full month since that traumatic Aug 8th full moon. I've got a box full of books I've bought, articles I've printed off various sites. I've subscribed to newsletters and joined Facebook groups. As I narrow my studies down to the proper focus, the order of what's most important to study now and what I can learn later, I feel more and more clarity. My latest messages, silent whispers, have been about retreating and sabbaticals. I'm not clear if I should use my savings and take the rest of the year off or wait until the New Year and see what the new energy is saying. So I wait. I wait. I wait and listen.

This has felt like such a dark time because I was looking at it in the wrong way. It's actually a huge, beautiful beginning in the making. It's just starting to wake up within me. My life is telling me that I have to make the room to allow the good, new changes to come. I have to accept that all I thought was going to happen didn't happen for a good reason. So many people weren't around because they no longer need me or they aren't joining me on the next stages.

Chief Webber to Dr Bailey on Grey's Anatomy (paraphrased) "It's not that they are forgetting you , they are setting you free to go and use this time to do all the magnificent things you have the potential to do"

Tomorrow is the Pisces full moon. Committing to what we intend to change in our lives is a good focus during a full moon. And Pisces is so well-versed in retreating. Me, I'm committing to feeding the Hermit during my retreat.

"I fought the good fight and I didn't lose faith." Paulo Coelho


09 July 2014

What is a Joke?

a thing someone says to cause amusement or laughter...

make jokes; talk humorously or flippantly

I have a friend who said to me, “You better watch that you don’t turn into one of those women who lives alone with 30 cats.”
I didn’t laugh.
I called him on it and said, “that was a stupid thing to say. People with 30 cats usually have psychological problems. And in a lot of cases they are hoarders.”
He said, “well you brought it on yourself for saying that you’d prefer to just spend a night a home with your cats after work.”
He didn’t apologize for insulting me. He didn’t get that the point was after work I’m too exhausted by people to want to spend time with people.

What is a joke? I know he was trying to be amusing. And I also know that his behaviour has gone towards snide remarks. Those comments that take pot shots at your way of life, letting you know that in his opinion you’re a loser.

What do we do when a joke falls flat? What ever happened to people understanding that if others don’t laugh, it’s not a good joke?

It’s not that I can’t take jokes but when did it get to a point when the only jokes a person makes are ones that are at my expense? Or someone else’s expense? We’ve all been there. We laugh off the potshots as jokes and walk away with a bad feeling in our stomachs. Those potshots as jokes become these insidious thoughts in our heads that slowly transform into insecurities. (And as an aside, it’s the beginning of the end of a relationship. We don’t stay with people who don’t make us feel good. right?)

I especially take issue with potshot jokes about our bodies. I have a male friend who cracks jokes about his girlfriend’s body. As if women don’t have enough body image issues especially as we age and our body changes in ways we couldn’t expect.

“Yeah they were talking about you baby. They were talking about pears, just like you except you’re a juicy pear.”
She gave him a look before she asked, “what did you say?”
We all knew she wasn’t laughing at his ‘joke.’
He covered it up by clearing his throat and saying he was craving juicy pears.
She shook it off and didn’t push the issue.
In my body of uncomfortable breathing and thoughts, I said nothing, even though I had a lot to say. But the experience has stayed with me.

As a 50 year old peri-menopausal woman, I am ever in touch with how quickly my body has changed. My body flashes hot at the most inconvenient of times. I have a running joke that in Human 2.0, we will be able to program our hot flashes when we need them. Like in the winter when it’s minus 30. Right?
I have never studied my body as much in the mirror as I do now. I study my body’s changes. I study what I deem flaws. I have never checked and re-checked how my body looks in what I’m wearing before I leave the house. “How will others see/judge me? Will they notice this bit of fat, that jiggle. Do my thighs rub together in these pants?”

I think it’s time to start calling people out on their jokes. Because, truly, a joke is supposed to be about everyone’s amusement. I’m no longer going to accept so-called jokes about my life and jokes about my work or work ethic and jokes about my body. I don’t need other peoples garbage in my head. Insults veiled as jokes.

What is a joke? When is a joke not a joke and who gets to decide? Is it a joke or is it a manipulation to get me to lose weight, change my way of life because you don’t approve, or a myriad of other judgements? Aren’t those jokes an undercurrent of unexpressed anger?

Deep down I know there’s nothing wrong with me finding sanctuary in my tiny home with my three cats. After a hard day’s work, that’s what soothes my soul. As does writing and listening to music. These are the activities that my resources currently allow.
Deep down I know there’s nothing wrong with my body. Whether I’m a pear shape, an hour glass, I have large breasts or not.

I’m saying it’s time we become “joke” detectives. It’s time to start asking the questions. What was the purpose of saying that? Oh, it’s a joke? Why would you think that ‘joking’ about my sagging breasts is something to laugh about? Is the fact that my thighs rub together so offensive to you that you have to crack a joke about it? What are you thinking I should change about myself because you think I’m not good enough the way I am? Because I look in the mirror, I already have my list. What are you still mad at me about that is bubbling out as potshot jokes about my so-called flaws?

It may make me come across as crazy and I think I’m willing to be crazy for a time. But the gist of all this is how we feel, how I feel. If it doesn’t make us laugh, make me laugh... If it doesn’t make us feel good, make me feel good, it’s not a joke.

When Harry Met Sally - 1989 Film written by Nora Ephron and directed by Rob Reiner
Harry: You know the first time we met I really didn't like you that much.
Sally: I didn't like you.
Harry: Yeah you did, you were just so uptight then. You're much softer now.
Sally: You know I hate that kind of remark. It sounds like a compliment but really it's an insult.
Harry: OK, you're still as hard as nails.
Sally: I just didn't want to sleep with you and you had to write it off as a character flaw instead of dealing with the possibility that it might have something to do with you.


19 June 2014

Opened to the Magic

I’m always reminded that magic happens whenever I look for it. I simply need to look for it. If I put a note on my wall of all the things I need to remember to live a sane and spiritual life I swear my walls would be covered. Needless to say I’m always working on finding that regular focus of wonder, I guess is the best way to put it.
Anyway I attended the final Bloody Words writing conference/ festival a few weekends ago. As I was walking in on the Saturday morning I was kitty corner from a woman cop and her horse. She was standing on the pavement talking to several people who were taking pictures of the horse. The first thing I said, out loud, on the street corner, was “HORSEY!” Yes my inner child is loud and present when it comes to animals.

Then, in my head, I said, “Let me go over there and show this cop what I can do to her horse.” Half joking/ half serious.

I got to them just as she was situating herself back on the horse. I smiled and said Hi and asked her if it was okay if I pat the horse. She said yes. “His name is Timmus.”

I let Timmus smell my hand then I patted him and chatted with him about how beautiful he is and how his eyes were so lovely. Like I do. Then I said to him and the cop, that I would let them go and started to say my good-byes which consists of me repeating like a nut-bar, “Okay good bye, good bye beautiful, goodbye.”

Doesn't Timmus gently press his whole head up against my breasts and stomach and stay that way? I moved my face up against his and we cuddled as I said, “That’s the nicest goodbye ever. I’m so glad that I stopped to meet you.”
The cop looked down at us both in awe. She said, “Wow, He REALLY likes you. He’s never done that before, to anyone!”
I said, “Ahh, he’s just getting a little emotional because he understands how emotional I am.”

“It must be because he’s not emotional in the least. He’s simply not an emotional horse. ”

I smiled and waved my goodbyes to them both and I trotted off with a huge smile on my face.

Last night I had pre-screening passes to see the Jersey Boys movie. I didn't look too hard to find a friend to attend with me. I asked three different friends and they all had plans and I was done looking. I asked myself why I didn't feel like going to the trouble of asking around to find someone who might want to go. I decided to listen to that feeling and go to see the movie on my own. Maybe I’d have a piece of magic.

I had two hours to kill after work and before the movie started so I figured I’d choose a restaurant/ bar close to the theatre and have a glass of wine. I walked up the strip and chose a place that was not busy and sat at the bar.
I wasn't even hungry but ended up ordering their Indonesian chicken wings. Any one who meets up with me at restaurants knows that I have my two go-to favourite meals, chicken wings or bangers & mash. I had bangers & mash in Bermuda and chicken wings in Brisbane, Australia. Ha-ha! Anyway I was sitting at the bar away from the three men who were on the other side of the bar. I’d had a conversation with one of the bartenders about tattoos because she had three. (I promised her I’d go back in September once I got my next half-birthday tattoo to show it to her.) And I had reading material. I was reading Christine Delorey's article “The Lesson Continues Until It Is Learned” (something I firmly believe) and highlighting pieces that mean something to me.

A woman comes in and doesn't she sit right beside me? Not leave an empty chair between us but right beside me. So I think, I wonder what we have to offer each other today. I over hear her ask about the Riesling and Joey tattoo bartender says, “well this lady right here is drinking it.” They both look at me. “What do you think of it?”

I smile and say, “Well it’s my 2nd glass. It’s lovely, not too sweet.”

And I did the weirdest thing EVER! I look at the lady and say, “if it doesn't freak you out you can try a sip of mine.”

I do not know where that came from except maybe I was being a bit of Timmus the Horse to her energy. There was a gentleness in her eyes. You know some people just exude it. So she said, “yes okay, I will take a sip and I promise I don’t have the cooties.”

She ordered a glass of the Riesling based on the sip. It was a tasty Riesling. Ha-ha!

And we cracked jokes about cooties and our conversation was off and running. She asked me what I was working on and I told her about the numerology report. I told her about Christine’s work. I swear in 3 minutes she had typed in three websites in her phone that I recommended including my blog address, which she asked for once I said I am a writer.
We talked about energy and energy vampires. We talked about being sponges to other peoples energy and understanding more and more a need to protect ourselves from it. We talked about social media and how difficult it is to be a kid and have someone post crap about you and the negativity and she likened it to being “common people paparazzi.”

“I know right?,” I said, “You can’t make any mistake in public ever because the first thing people are doing is pulling out their phones to take a picture of you to post.”

That 45 minutes talking to Shauna (Shawna?) flew by like five minutes. Then her dad showed up for them to have dinner before they attended Jersey Boys the movie, as well. We shook hands, said nice to meet you, thanks for the great conversation and she was off with her dad.

I said to Joey the bartender, “Wow I really liked her. I’m so glad she sat beside me”

“Yes it’s funny how that can go when someone sits right beside you when there are so many empty seats. My first thought is always, why beside me when there are so many other places to sit. But if we just open ourselves up we could have a really great experience. I try to remember that when someone sits beside me on public transit when they could have sat in the bunch of empty seats instead”

I agreed with Joey wholeheartedly.

And that’s what I know I am opening myself up to now that I’m getting over most of my friends being engrossed in their own lives and too busy for meet ups. That’s what guided me not to find someone for my extra pre-screening pass. I’m embracing ‘being alone for a reason.’

There’s something that I need to open myself up to that I can only do alone. I’m also testing my energy as a projector. I’m asking the energy, my energy, ‘okay show me who embraces my energy today. Show me who is sending me an invitation.’

And as I walked into the Scotiabank Theatre to watch Jersey Boys a man asked, “Would you happen to have an extra pass for Jersey Boys?”

“Yes as a matter of fact, I do. Here you go. It never hurts to ask eh?’ I smiled at him as he thanked me profusely. Probably because I didn't try to sell it to him. And I was up the escalator to a movie based on a live show that I love that has brought me such great pleasure, memories and friends! I’m super happy Clint Eastwood made it into a movie. I love that he loved the show that much. I loved being able to sit in the theatre with all my sentimentality and be surrounded with so much that I got to love for a few years when the live show was in Toronto. And I love that they incorporated the finale in a way that tips their hats off to the live show. I danced the live show finale everyday at work and when I was an audience member in the live show. I left the theatre giggling like a school girl

26 May 2014


I keep wanting to write about fears but I feel like I have a whole long and dragged out story that has to go along with it. And I don't want to discuss the story here. It's too personal.

It's funny how we get so used to running our lives a certain way that we don't realize that there are certain feelings we've learned how to block. Of course they're not really blocked, they just manifest in certain behaviours. Like the survival behaviours.

I've been saying that April was a month of anxiety but that's not entirely true. It was actually a month of discovering that I was in fear mode and what my racket was, how I react when I am in fear mode. I was anxious, no doubt and my breathing was that adrenalized breathing, fast and panicky. I was doing everything to get off that roller coaster of feeling embarrassed for hoping and having the upper hand in the situation. Oh and I assumed I knew what was going on. I knew the story, this is why you are doing this and saying that and well, I have to win at all costs.

So I'm anxious, embarrassed, feeling like I'm being laughed at and thinking that I know the full story. And I'm reacting and I'm not breathing. That's a disaster waiting to happen.

Breathe. Thank God I journal because everything I know about taking care of myself went out the window.
Breathe. I wanted to flee the scene, never to be heard from again.
But I couldn't escape. Holy cow, what kind of a Girlfish am I when I can't swim away from my troubles?
Breathe. All is well in my world.
BREATHE. Oh My God, this feeling is fear. What am I scared of? Shoot, I'm scared of not getting want I want and even worse I'm scared of getting what I want. And this feeling is fear?

I'm so fascinated by what we bring along with us from childhood. There is so much that I've healed and I'm proud of that. I've worked hard. But it surprises me still how deep it goes. And now my work, my healing, my focus gets into feelings. Growing up with violence doesn't allow for feelings. You can't get emotional when the father figure comes home ready to beat up the people who love him. You have to be ready to react. You have to be focused on the sliver of an opportunity. And believe me, it's a sliver.

I was five years old and I was trained to wake up at the first sign of his violence. I was trained to get dressed in the dark and be ready for when my brother or mother would open my bedroom door, turn on the light and say, "Come on , let's go."
It was usually while he was having a pee so truly a sliver of opportunity. I didn't cry. I didn't have emotions. I wasn't a baby. I couldn't afford to be a baby. I was trained.

I've held on to that training for 45 years because that was all I knew.
In an ironic twist, I think I've healed enough and feel safe enough to actually feel. Safe and fear. Safe with fear?

So you're fear? Take a seat and let me get to know you. How do I look at you face to face? Breathe? Breathe.

As I retell the story of April in my mind I constantly tell myself, I was scared. If I'm going to move forward I need to actually know how to identify what I am feeling. I know anger oh so well. Anger and I have walked hand in hand, it's in that invisible knapsack of weapons I carry on my left shoulder. It sits snugly beside the dagger eyes I've been known to use.

Fear. Can't say I like you but I'm sure glad to know that I know you.


08 May 2014


Thursday 8May14 6:16pm

I've been working on putting some of this Human Design information into practice to test out how it all pertains to me. And it can't hurt that's for sure.

I'm finding out interesting information about myself. My type of course is a 'Projector' and my strategy for success is to 'wait for an invitation.'

It's ironic that my strategy is to wait for an invitation because I perfected waiting when I was a child simply because I was always told, "you have to wait: Until I say so, until I'm good and ready, until we have the money, until the sisters get comfortable, until until until..." I perfected waiting but I promised myself that when I grew up I wouldn't have to wait for anything anymore. I did some waiting but I didn't always wait and I suppose it has put me in some sticky situations. So now I'm being guided to wait. Impatient one that I've allowed myself to become.

I've gone to church three weeks in a row to pray for patience amongst other things. ha ha! And this past Saturday I woke to an email from a work acquaintance asking me if I would be interested in meeting for a coffee to discuss possibly working together on a business opportunity. The part of the invitation that made my heart swell was that he said that he's always enjoyed working with me at my part time job because I am friendly, fun to chat with and am a hard worker. I met up with him and we discussed this business opportunity and I left with samples of this product. I was really enthusiastic at first.

A few things came up as I thought about that invitation:
I was enthusiatic, as I said, but I questioned why was I enthusiastic? Was it simply because I'm looking for an escape from the same old same old and I think this is my fastest way to escape? Do I really believe I can get rich quick with this? Oh wait do I even like doing this? One of the things that I promised myself about a year or so ago is that I would stop looking for a job and instead I would create a life. Because the job to job and chasing money hasn't worked for me. Yes I get paid well enough, obviously, I went to Australia. But I wasn't going to jump from what I'm in now into the same old shit just for the sake of moving on.

The invitation was so bang on in recognizing me was it clouding my judgement? I have to laugh because as I've been contemplating everything I even said out loud, "No body would ever expect me to sell makeup or skin care products." I don't wear makeup and I wash my face with Johnson's baby wash and Witch Hazel. I don't have an elaborate cleaning regime. So how am I going to 'sell' when everyone who knows me knows I don't give a crap about that stuff? Can you see the winds changing my enthusiasm with a dose of grounded reality?

And Time! How much time will this take away from what I really do love? As I practiced every thing in my mind, I saw that this was more of a committment than I was willing to make. It won't help me to live more of what I want to live, more time to write and travel. It will have me focused on building a salesforce and clients and well, that's not my thing. How would I feel about this, all this time that I would have to commit to something that doesn't make my heart sing? Well we all know the answer to that, right?

And the final big thing about accepting invitations or not, is that desperate fear that no other invitations will be coming so if I say no to this have I shot myself? Can I afford to turn down this invitation when I am so clearly recognized for who I am? I added a little research to back up my decision, just so I knew that even though I didn't feel this was the right invitation for me, that I put in some sort of effort. I mentioned it to a co-worker at my day job and she told me that her friend in Calgary is doing this same thing and she loves it, LOVES it. She has a facebook page and she sends all her friends all sorts of invitations and has parties... "Yeah, no I don't sell to my friends, so that would never be an option for me."

I spoke to my co-worker at my part-time job about it, he frowned and said, "I told you about this, that's what Liz is selling!" Oh shoot I remember that, it's that? Oh shoot! And he left me with his final words of wisdom, "I'm not trying to stomp on your ideas if this is what you want to do but basically 'product name' should be called how to end your friendships." Then he told me to ask my Armenian brother about it, who I was meeting with the next night. My Armenian brother frowned immediately when I asked him. Okay, that's all I need to know. LOL

So it's interesting. It reminds me that what I said in a previous blog entry was to wait for the gold and not jump for the glitter. Monday night when I was hearing about this opportunity I kept asking myself, 'is this the glitter or the gold?'

I'm glad that it will be a week before I meet up with this business opportunity person again although I'm ready now to give an informed no. It was good to take this opportunity to use these techniques that are recommended in the Human Design: Wait for an invitation; allow the emotional wave of my feelings to calm down so I can feel my feelings alongside my intuition and asking people I trust for advice. And of course questioning my motives for considering this as a yes which is my tendency towards escaping. I can say yes to anything just so long as i can escape.

On the day job front I've noticed that since I've stopped volunteering information on deaf ears and wait until I'm asked, that my work life has been calmer and less frustrating.

I bought a reading for a co-worker who was promoted to another building so I'm looking forward to see if the Human Design has as much of a profound affect on her as it is having on me.

I was going to talk about men in this entry but alas this was a long entry. LOL


P.S. I didn't want to mention the business name because it's not about the business it's about the invitation. Plus I don't want to insult anyone who might do this, love this, thrive on this business...